A gesture of support in therapy

You know how there was that thread where people were posting whether their therapist had ever hugged them before? I was one of the people who had had no physical contact with her T, although we are very close.

Well, that changed today. On the way out of my therapy session, I paused right next to where he was standing to exchange a few more words. Then as I turned to go, he said "I'm proud of you--hang in there" and gave me a pat on the back and a kind of sideways squeeze with his arm around my shoulder. The warmth and support I always feel from him was given this physical expression. It was appropriate and welcome (understatement). Really gave me a boost. By all appearances, I handled it fine, but inside I was kind of doing this:

I feel like my T is really taking care of me. I feel really safe with him. We've had a couple of hard sessions recently where he was really pushing me and saying things I didn't necessarily want to hear (but that served an essential purpose). He asked immediately at the beginning of the session today how I was doing with that. I appreciate his checking on me. I am pretty strong, so I've been handling it OK and let him know that.

The other thing to mention is that I had a pinksoil moment in therapy today. I tried to tell T that I would like to see him twice a week instead of only once. I started by saying I have so much to say to you. He responded by saying well, tell me, and then waited expectantly. I said I just have so much stuff to get through and it's hard to fit it all in. He said, I'm all ears. Grrrrrr. That was as direct as I could be. Don't these T's know how to take hints? pinksoil, I was thinking of you when this happened, remembering how you held up your journal and hid behind it. I'm afraid I was even less direct than you.

Hmm. It is hard, isn't it...

I thought long and hard about how I was going to ask this. After a lot of agony I figured this would be the best:

I understand that you are really busy and stuff... (that is to pre-empt a little speech on how busy he is)
But I wish I could see you more (so i'm expressing a wish rather than making a direct request)

Still a bit indirect...
But kinda direct too...

And of course i mumbled so much that he had to ask me to repeat myself. And so then it didn't come across all smooth at all. I was kinda hanging my head and mumbling LOUDER into my knees.

But...

He said he would think about it. And increased my sessions the following week.

((((guys))))

Wow, it sounds like you have a wonderful t! Your description reminds me of my old t.

If I were you, in the next session I would blurt out..."with everything we're doing, what do you think about twice a week?"

Good luck. I know that's hard to do. I've been there. I think my biggest fear was that of rejection and I tried to remember that if he said no, he wasn't rejecting me but doing what "works".

Please keep us updated!

KD

The first time we terminated back in 1987 my T squeezed my shoulder when I was leaving that final session and I didn't wash it for years :-) LOL Not really but it was very memorable and helped me in ensuing years.

I wish my T would hug me. I need him to once in awhile but I'm afraid to say so.

I'm glad you got a pat though! That is something and it sounds like you needed it.

I am of two minds on this one....part of me wishes that I could ask my T for a hug but I don't want him to think that I am a freak or that I am getting too close or anything and maybe that would be crossing the boundaries because he is male and I am female??? I don't know but I am just fearful of this. Second of all, I don't like to be touched by anyone to start with but I think that it would surprise my T to know that I would like a hug from him as to me he is a "safe" person who I would be okay with even though he is male.

I was very close with my first T that i had last year ... she was such a sweetheart and i remember the first time she hugged me she actually asked if i wanted one (uh yea! lol)and after that she would always give me a hug and rub my back telling me that everything would be okay and that she was proud of me. Now of corse i realize that most people don't do this so i always want this sort of relationship with my new T. So to answer the question about my current T ... no sort of contact at all I dont know why, but i always feel like i need reasurrance after i talk alot with someone so that makes it harder when i leave T because i never know what she's thinking

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sunrise said:
The other thing to mention is that I had a pinksoil moment in therapy today. I tried to tell T that I would like to see him twice a week instead of only once. I started by saying I have so much to say to you. He responded by saying well, tell me, and then waited expectantly. I said I just have so much stuff to get through and it's hard to fit it all in. He said, I'm all ears. Grrrrrr. That was as direct as I could be. Don't these T's know how to take hints? pinksoil, I was thinking of you when this happened, remembering how you held up your journal and hid behind it. I'm afraid I was even less direct than you.

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I'm not laughing at you, Sunrise, I'm just laughing at the whole situation!! I can totally picture it, you trying to make the point, and T missing it, thinking that you just need to tell him a lot of stuff, saying, "I'm all ears." Hahaha. I love it. It's completely something that would happen in my session, only I would normally be obstructing his view of me with some sort of prop, lol.

Seriously though, that's awesome that your T gave you that physical contact. I would have passed out, lol. You sound like you really have a wonderful, close relationship with your T. Do you think you are going to try again to ask if he will see you more than once per week? Or maybe you could try asking if you could see him twice every other week... so one week you'd see him once, then the next twice, then back to once, and so on... Do you feel like you've cracked the surface at all, and maybe you will be more direct next time? I know I won't, lol. Well I'm really planning to tell him everything this Friday, but we'll see if that really happens.

I know that physical contact is definitely something that would never occur with my T. The closest I ever come to touching him is when he hands me a pen, lol. As warm and comforting as he is, he does follow the traditional psychoanalytic model of no self-disclosure, and no touching. The only thing he ever self-disclosed to me was that he doesn't like American Idol, haha. (Long story). He said, "Well, I don't think it would be too much self-disclosure if I told you..." And although he never self-disclosed this to me, there are little hints that he gives out that let me know that there are things we have in common in regards to appreciations, such as literature. This is very important to me because I write a lot of poetry and read a lot, and often bring that that stuff up in therapy. In little ways, he has let me know that he has read certain books I've mentioned, is familiar with certain writers that I love, etc. I love when he does this. It's so important to me because it encompasses so much of who I am, and I love that he appreciates similar things. One time he quoted something Virginia Woolf had said about writing. It meant a lot to me because he said he had read the quote and thought of me, but the context of our conversation was actually pretty funny. I'll tell you what it was, and then I'll shut up because I have to end my lunch and go back to work.
(This was said a couple of weeks ago when I was in a pretty bad depressive episode, and T was encouraging me to use my writing even more, to let things out):
T: You know, I read a quote from Virginia Woolf and I thought it would pertain to you. (Then he seemed a little hesitant).
Me: Well, what was it? Tell me.
T: She said, "Writing eases the pain..."
Me: Um, but didn't she kill herself?
T: Yeah. That's why I wasn't sure if I should tell you.

I love my T.

I just typed in my post and lost it. I hate that.

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You sound like you really have a wonderful, close relationship with your T.

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I do. I love my T. He is saving my life.

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Do you think you are going to try again to ask if he will see you more than once per week?

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No, at least not for a while. I gave it my attempt, pitiful though it was, lol. Right now, T and I are working really well together on my core issues, and making a lot of progress. I don't want to devote too much energy to obsessing about the frequency of our meetings or talking about this in session. I'll pass on that for a while. Besides, T asked me to read a book before next session and then we will discuss it, so I really need a full week between sessions this time to buy the book, read it, and think coherently about it. I'll go out later today to the bookstore and try to find it. I hope I can complete this assignment... Then we will have our book club.

I'm still feeling so great today, after our session. My overriding feeling is one of "being safe." I feel so safe with T when we are together. I really trust him to not do anything to hurt me, only to help me.

I just bought some fresh chicken tamales for lunch. Yummm.

ETA: the Virginia Wolff quote is cool, pinksoil. Also, I would like to hear the American Idol story sometime. One of my kids has a friend who is competing on the show right now, so we have been watching the competition to see how he does (he's actually not that great, lol, but hasn't been kicked out yet).