[lostandunsure]

Just to get you up to speed. I'm 37 years old and lost my father when i 15, my mother was there for me finacially as long as i did as she said and was her maid until i was married at an early age. For many years now all i have wanted is for my mother to love me and be there for me emotionally. She is detached it seems from any feelings and has always been with this way. I have 2 sisters and a brother and she is only close to one sister out of all of us. I don't get it!!!!!!!!!!! How can a mother not love and be close to their children??????????? My daughter and I are very close.
Anyway what brought on this bought of depression and feeling bad is i finally moved back close to my home town about 6 years ago...my mother has only been to my house twice even though i'm only an hour away. Well this coming Monday i have to go into the hospital and she said she would like to come go with me and stay with me afterwards. I THOUGHT "GREAT" THIS IS WONDERFUL. When i called her yesterday i was going to ask what special things she might need while she is here so i could have everything she would need on hand. I didn't get the chance to ask....she told me she wasn't coming. Even though i'm 37 years old, it still hurt. I thought for once "JUST ONCE" she would be there for me emotionally. I haven't even told my husband yet that she isn't coming because it hurts me to know that my own mother doesn't really care...His family is so loving and they have always been good to me, so i guess i'll have to break down and tell him and then i'll have to ask his mother to come on short notice. HOW CAN A MOTHER BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DETACHED FROM HER OWN CHILDREN>??????????????????? I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS I wish my father was still around...he was all around when he was needed.

[Fuzzybear]

I am sorry lost, both my parents were cold and very emotionally detached. (I eventually detached myself from them even more) ... I understand your pain (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

[texdave]

Is your mother aware of your feelings? Are you afraid if you asked her why she was detatched it would hurt her? Maybe if you knew what was going on inside her head it would help you not to take it so hard. I have tried to detach myself from people and avoid getting to close sometimes in order to avoid what I percieve as the inevitable pain of loss when they go. People always go, they move, they die, they move on to other experiences. My Dad lived some miles from me, and when I would visit him it seemed he would just sit and watch tv, football which I hate,etc., and go to sleep. I wanted a closer relationship with him and my T told me if I wanted that I would need to do what my Dad liked to do, go fishing or whatever, since my Dad was not likely to change. I never really did that, but having the choice, knowing it was my choice allowed me to let go of the pain.

[texdave]

P.s. up until the last few years I felt the same way about my brother. I let go of my resentment when I finally realized that I was expecting something from him that he simply did not have. It wasn't about me, it was just his personality, who he is. It doesn't seem fair, but life isn't fair, it's just life. Today I know I can get my needs met by asking from people that I know that have what I need. It would be great if my brother was a touchy feely guy like me, but he's not, so I accept him the way he is. I know if I want to talk to him, I have to call him, he won't call me. He won't call anybody! Yet, his daughter recieves all that he does not give to everyone else, he pours his love, affection, time and attention onto her. He is a wonderful father and that is a beautiful thing to witness.

[lostandunsure]

Thank you fuzzy...like i said my father passed away and i thank God he wasnt like her...he loved us children and would do anything for us....I'll never understand how those two got together...lol

[lostandunsure]

Hi tex, thank you for sharing with me...i know i have to accept her for the way she is and i do...i think what happened was i let my guard down thinking she had changed some and that she wanted to be a part of my life and really be a mother who cared...i mean i know she cares to some degree, or maybe she does care alot i don't know...she's never shown or spoke her feelings. Her parents aren't like that..i'm very close to them and i just don't know how she turned out this way, but i won't judge her, afterall she is woman who gave me life..lol...I just thank God...that i was able to love and care for my daughter and show her i love her...my daughter is almost 20 and still to this day we talk everyday and i always tell her i love her before we hang up or before she heads home. I never want my daughter to feel the way i have about my mother. But, you are right...we just have to accept them for the way they are, even if that means not understanding them... thank you so much, i can tell you know what i'm feeling.

No i've never asked her why she's detached and yes, i do think it might hurt her, i never want to hurt her and you sometimes i wonder if it's just that she didn't have the motherly insticts when we were growing up.

I've seen her watching me and my daughter and sometimes i wonder if she wishes she had that closeness with her own children...

[texdave]

Your daughter is fortunate that you have turned a hurt into a positive thing for her. Perhaps some time when it seems right you can discuss it with your mother in a way that could minimize the possibility that it would hurt her, maybe just expressing how you feel without putting any blame or judgement into it, and see how she responds. You may be surprised, or she may not respond well, but you are not responsible for her feelings, that is her choice. Whatever you do my prayers are with you. It's good that you're sharing your experience, whether you are able to talk to your mom or not, you don't have to carry the pain alone when you can share it. I'm lucky to have a good relationship with my mom, it wasn't always the case. It was about me and my old resentments surrounding my parents divorce when I was 8 yrs. old. On the surface I was a loving son mostly, but deep inside I harbored resentment and pain. When I got into the 12 Steps of AA I was able to let go, forgive and be forgiven. I was 35 when that happened, but it's better late than never!

[LookingForMe]

Hi lost...

I understand that pain. I felt it for so many years. My parents have no interest in my life or the lives of their grandchildren. It was only just a few years ago that I found out that it wasn't just me (I thought I was the black sheep of the family so I blamed myself for their behavior). They are the same way with my brother and sister and their families. My sister is especially hurt by it...she did everything so right so its harder for her to understand.

I call occasionally and have visited them. My mother sends a Christmas card every year. But in 20 years my parents have never visited or even called me.

[Rapunzel]

You're not alone in having parents like that. My father is unbelievably clueless, and has no idea what is important to anyone around him. My mother is very controlling, but once I broke free of her conrol there was nothing. My parents never made any attempt to keep contact with me, or showed any sign of knowing that there was anything wrong with that. I thought that nobody else had parents like mine, but have since heard of others. It is very sad, but now that we are adults I guess we just have to live our lives knowing what we can and can't expect of our parents. They just are who they are.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

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