[breemarie]

about my depression. Everyone is sick of me. I'm sick of me. I wish I was not here, it would be the best thing for me and everyone else. My therapist said that I am getting something out of being depressed because I don't want to change anything or get better. That is because I don't have hope. I don't think things can get better for me therefore I have given up trying. I don't like being depressed or negative it has ruined my life. I am not acting this way on purpose to get attention or to get out of doing things. I hope everytime I take a new medication that my thinking will change, I'll look at life differently and want to live and experience things. It never happens. No one would want to be me and feel what I feel. I feel as if people are judging me and speculating about me and they have no clue what I deal with. I sometimes wish I could just let others feel the way I do, just for a day, then maybe they wouldn't be so quick to say the things they do. My bf is sick of me not working. I feel tremendous guilt about it but that is not helping us pay bills. He keeps getting on me and making me feel like crap. Which I am. I feel like the lowest form of scum right now. He just said that this was killing him. I feel like I want to take all of my pills and be done with it so that he can live his life and I can have peace. I am not going to do that but that is what I would like to do. This is not a suicide post, I am not planning anything. But when he talks like that and when others say the things they do and give me the looks like, "you need to just get your act together", it makes me want to die. If I ever get out of this dark place that I'm in it will be a miracle. I don't know if I will ever be the same though. I will not look at people the same either. I feel very alone and misunderstood right now.

[Fuzzybear]

breemarie,
When I read your post, it just struck me and I'm not even sure why....... but have you read any of Dorothy Rowe's books? They have helped me get through some very dark times......

Take care,
Fuzzy

[sabby]

((((((((breemarie))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low right now. I wish I had the answers to help you out of this feeling, but I don't. All I can offer is a hug and a shoulder to lean on. I do care....

*Gentle Hugs*
J

[snowflake_48888]

breemarie,
I am sorry that you are going through such turmoil in your life. Maybe the doctors haven't found the right meds for you yet. I too have experienced those types of feelings but through counseling, reading, and talking to others that have experienced this type of illness I found the light at the end of the tunnel. You can too.......
Snowflake

breemarie

I care and I'm sorry you are struggling.

Keep working with your therapist. Meds help with symptoms but can't change your thinking. Working with your therapist can help you do that. Try not to resist it with hopelessness; that is, allow enough hope in to help you in therapy. Trust therapy. Trust your T. Trust yourself.

There are many types of therapy and what works for one doesn't help another, so maybe you just haven't found the therapy for you yet?

Here's a site that has a lot of information and I found the Questions & Answers section really interesting and helpful. There are links to many topics on this site. I go there often and I really do like it. I'll share it with you here: www.guidetopsychology.com.

I hope you will do something kind and loving for yourself today and keep in mind that you are a wonderful person and you can feel better.

(( hugs ))

[DePressMe]

Hi Breemarie, I have struggled with depression for most of my life—something like 25 years. I have had moments where I had hope and things seemed okay. I have also had dark periods where I just could not seem to get a grip on the depression. During those times, the worse thing I could hear was “just pull yourself together” or “just get over it” or anything like that. Those words just made me feel even worse about myself—like I was being depressed on purpose. That is absolutely not true. I believe depression is an illness just like diabetes or high blood pressure. We don’t blame the diabetic for have diabetes and we don’t blame the person who has a heart attack for doing it “on purpose.” Sometimes, even when we are taking our meds and we do want to get better, the depression keeps a grip on us. I have found that at times like that I need to try to make a change. Maybe a med adjustment, new types of talks with my T or a new T…I try to spend time reading about depression and various ways to better. I do a ton of journaling to try to sort out my feelings and thoughts. Of course, when I am depressed, it is hard to do any of those things—I really have to force myself. Take it slow and know you are not alone—there are many of us out here who have similar issues and feelings. Try to dig deep and find even just a glimmer of hope and build on it.

[Perna]

Breemarie, I remember feeling without hope. I borrowed my therapist's for me :-) That's what would get me to therapy each week, that she'd say something either interesting or useful. Other than that I did a lot of reading of hopeful novels, mostly teen stuff like the Harry Potter books (but before that), Lloyd Alexander, Madelaine L'Engle, etc. Reading about other people struggling helped me not feel so alone when I didn't have any "real" people in my life to help.

[MamazAngel]

Awww, We Care BreeMarie I know how U r feeling. I feel the same way, other than when I get on this website, and see that people on here care. I dont feel I have anyone to turn to, besides on here. We will help u and try to make u feel better. If u need to talk or even vent about anything, U can PM me if needed. ((((((((((BREEMARIE))))))))))))))
<3,
MamazAngel

[(JD)]

Just because your therapist may have related some of they dynamics of what depression causes you to do and think, doesn't mean T has given up on you. Your very reaction is typical of depression... it tells us lies. Trust your T and remember that depression is lying to you, you need to doubt anything negative that comes into your mind... odds are it's only from the disorder/illness. I doubt T said you are doing this on purpose,,, but that it is something that happens with depression. That you heard "on purpose" just shows how entrenched the depression and negative thinking is...

Hang in there. Try and stop all those thoughts you "know" are true about yourself that are so negative... I doubt they are true in reality.

TC

[ally88]

breemarie... omg, believe me when I say this...I can truly relate to your story. Most people look at me the same way; like im crazy and need to get it together. believe it or not..everything you said in that is the same thing im going through and I would really love to talk to you about it if you want to message me sometime. Im always here to talk to. I know what your going through isnt fun. AT ALL. the misery just takes your life over and other people cant see that. I wish people could be in my shoes too and see what its like. I just wanted to let you know, that your not alone in the world, and Im here, ok?
(((((((((((((( breemarie )))))))))))))

[breemarie]

Thanks for the support everyone. I am just hurt that people think that I am acting like a victim and staying depressed because I am getting something out of it. That is exactly what my T said. She kept saying that I am not going to get better until I want to. Well I already know that. That is the problem, I have given up. Then she stated that she knows people who have schizophrenia that still work and manage their life. She did say the difference is that I don't have hope. But she seems to think that I can control this. I don't feel I can. If I could I would be doing the things I need to do and living my life. She made me feel bad that I am not working and my bf is working long hours and he was sick last week and still had to go because of my not working. He couldn't take the chance and risk losing his job, plus he doesn't get paid when he doesn't work. I felt so guilty that I couldn't even stand to be in my own skin. And my T said well doesn't the fact that your bf has to go to work sick make you want to work? She doesn't get it, nobody does. I want to work and be back to normal again. I want my own damn money. I just don't feel like I can though. I'm starting to seriously consider ECT because I can't stand this anymore.