suicidal depression..please help

hi,

i am new to this so let me first give a brief history about myself to better help anyone who's willing to set me free from the hell i relive every-single-day since 15 years now

English isn't my first language so bare with me if my description isn't coherent enough

my depression started when i was around 18 years old, it took the form of an internal self destruct i guess..they reason for it could be a rejection from a girl i liked then and me imagining myself useless /worthless afterwards ever after or is it from an over imposing/successful father that i felt i could never measure up to?..i don't know anymore

in any case

my depression cost me the following so far

- 2 failed marriages (a child living with his mother from the first one)
- every job/academic opportunity since the last 15 years

but i don't want to blame depression only..i can easily add porn addiction as a main reason for my failed marriages even though i am not sure if the depression gave way to it in the first place or not

i can also add me being a pampered child from a wealth family not needing/feeling the need to work hard for anything in his life as a possible cause for my successive failures in life

throughout these 15 years of depression I've seen several psychiatrists, taken/tried different antidepressants, most of which helped alleviate my depressive thoughts, anxiety/panic attacks..but otherwise left me feeling insensitive/indifferent/selfish to those around me

I've also recently come to realized that i suffer from compulsive disorder but i never mentioned it to a psychiatrist yet

to make a long story short..my depression has gotten much worse over these 15 years and the current me feels nothing but profound hate/blame/loathing/anger/regret toward myself, my family, my friends and god, blaming/cursing everything and everyone for the state i am in right now

i've actually gotten to a point where i beg of god to take my life and be done with it..to take me back in time so i can start over, and to make everyone forget that i ever existed in the first place

between my history and the constant, ruthless anxiety/panic attacks in the morning..i am all but ready to take my own life and be done with it..

please help me out because nothing makes sense to me anymore

Regards

Hi,

Here's my best advice for the depression:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

have you tried therapy?

I have no great words of wisdom, but I understand the feelings. It sounds like you are not seeing anyone right now. Can you make an appointment with a Therapist and a pdoc? Tell them how you are feeling. If it's nessasary do you have a place you can go for an emergency? Here in the USA that would be an emergency room, but I don't know the equivalent where you live.
Take care of yourself first,the rest will follow. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right therapist and medication that really helps.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

i used to have a a lot of hate for myself.. it was the result of many things. what helped me to have some compassion for myself was to think of me as if i were thinking about someone else. it was the first time i ever felt any sympathy for myself. and the sympathy made me more understanding toward myself, so there was less internal conflict.

sometimes if you think of how you would feel for your child self it helps. think about how the child you were does not deserve to feel this way. and remember that child is still in you and you need to care for them. they need unconditional love, and if they dont have it you are the only one who can give it. they dont deserve to be hated they deserve happiness.
YOU deserve happiness.

Hello helpless. I understand how you feel. Depression is a mean, ugly, self-destructive monster. I agree with others that to see a psychiatrist and/or therapist would be helpful if this is available to you. I have no great words of wisdom, but I hope you receive the help you need. You are a valuable person and your life is valuable.

thanks for the link..

for number 1, i did a complete blood test not to long ago and all turned out normal

for number 2, i already off ADs for the past 3 months, i get around 8 hours sleep everyday, i've also been trying to quite smoking/porn addiction for the past 2 days

for number 3, kindly view my last reply

i've only followed up with psychiatrists so far, they sit there listen to my problems like an emotionless recording machine and then proceed to add/subtract, change my antidepressants

what kind of therapy are we talking about?

kindly see above reply and help me decide

i am very sorry/angry for myself too

i feel the need to tell you more about my current situation/myself for you to be able to better advice me

after my second divorce ended 4 months ago i moved to a different country, rented a house and started a new job

i thought that by doing so i would:

- Distance myself form the family members whom i feel contributed to my second divorce, especially my father who didn't want this marriage to happen in the first place regardless of his reasons now that's its over
- Distance myself from everyone who knows about my medical/mental condition because i am sick&tired of being different in a family of normal people
- Prove to myself and the others around me that i can succeeded on my own, i am man enough to do it and i don't need the pampering

but this isn't going well, because i can't distance me from myself, i am unable to forgive/accept/reconcile with who i am

you should also know that just 3 months ago, i stopped taking my antidepressants without consulting a psychiatrist..i did that because:

- i felt that these medications contributed to the state i am in now by making me indifferent/insensitive to myself/others around me ,
- i don't trust psychiatrists, they are the ones to put me on these meds in the first place..they just want to shut me up and this isn't proper treatment

anyway, since then i've tried:

- Different YouTube videos of "accepting my anxiety" which really helped me free myself from antidepressants and drastically reduced the impact of my morning anxiety attacks
- stopped smoking cigarettes two days ago, because they amplify my sense of fear/anxiety
- Stopped watching porn to improve my self esteem/respect

alas..nothing else changed much, i still feel fear/contempt/jealousy/envy toward these confident successful people around me and nothing but hate/loath/anger/sadness toward myself

please advice

Hi helpless,

I kind of like your attitude. You seem to be quite active and willing to do things, which is absolutely vitally important. I share your mistrust of an AD based solution as well. Here are a few more hints:

1. Some people think that if they have a blood test, then their doctor must have checked for anything that might be wrong. This isn't the way it works, however. Docs have to specify exactly what they want to test for when blood is drawn. You might still have, for example, a vitamin B12 deficiency or hypothyroidism or a vitamin D deficiency any of which might well affect your mental state in a bad way.

2. Your actions about sleep and stopping your addictions are really great! Don't forget to give yourself credit for that and to keep it up.

The fear/contempt/jealousy/envy toward others and hate/loath/anger/sadness towards yourself, is I believe just part of your depression and will disappear as you get better. I would recommend a full assault on the problem doing all of the following items in parallel:

a) See an MD and get checked specifically for the above problems and any others that might contribute to depression.

b) Do "SNAP CLUB" as described in this thread http://forums.psychcentral.com/4369910-post130.html
It's easy to try and works quickly. If it works, it will really help with the rest.

c) Start to do regular exercise every day. For example, walking briskly for one hour a day.

d) Start a meditation or mindfulness practice.

- vital

thank you..your words of encouragement brought tear to my eyes..i've been trying my best to stay strong for so long

but..today..it hit me like a brick..my depression cycle started with porn addiction 17 years ago..its the main reason for everything that followed

i am now at a crucial crossroads..i must give it my all to end these dark year of my life..once and for all

if you have any effective guides that can help eliminate porn addiction once and for all please share..

alas i wounder how can anyone have so many disasters in his life and not be cursed..i feel so agitated and hurt

regards

not 15 minutes ago..i woke up with a devastating panic attack..i am in tears now and shacking as i write this

it probably has to do with my realization yesterday

but..why me? do i deserve that? have i done such an unforgivable sin to deserve this hell i am living in?

i am doing my best to correct and straighten myself up..i just need a break..i need mercy..is that too much to ask god for???