Embarrassment in depression

I was invited to a track meet to see my girlfriend's oldest son compete, but I could not find the location even with a GPS. Through lots of texting, I finally made it, but felt like a total idiot after all was said and done. Ended up getting a wicked sunburn after 2 hours. Felt horrible, but attended a get together that evening at my girlfriend's house. 15-20 people including kids and her out-of-control 6 year old son. I felt awful all evening, and decided to lay down. Her son in the next room screaming and banging on everything; my head felt like it would explode. Finally, I had to excuse myself and leave. I felt like a total tool bag. I need peace and quiet to get through these episodes of major depression. I'm not trying to isolate, I just want to feel better. Letting myself get all worked up, and I am wondering if I should even be in this relationship, or seek peace for my own mental state. Today was a rough day that could have been avoided.

That sounds like it would be rough for me when I feel good honestly. Sounds like it just took a lot out of you. I'm sure your gf really liked having you there. Hope you feel better

Hi Born2Fly, I completely agree with Keyslost, it sounds like a really hard day under any circumstances. And really well done on hanging in there as long as you did, you should be real proud of yourself!!!
And needing peace and quiet to get through these episodes.........well that's completely understandable
But I'd say maybe hold off for now on decisions as to whether to end the relationship?? Depression can lead your thinking on things like that bigtime, and when the depression eases........perhaps first of all look at some different options with your girlfriend e.g. making sure you have more time to yourself, less "expectations" for you to get involved in "family time", and maybe she could even support you a little more with the depression?? Perhaps time for a real "heart to heart" conversation with her about how things are feeling for you??
Just some thoughts..........
And welcome to PC!!!! Hopefully we can help you a little with what you're going through too, there are some great people on here!!!

Alison

Here is what we discussed today about my mental state and her son...

Happiness is one sided.
Apparently this is true. You don’t need a man to be happy, but choose to have a man in your life because it is what you want. You do a lot for me that I can never repay. I have issues with depression and PTSD. I did not ask for this. It feels like a hell on earth, and there is nothing I can do to control it. I want certain things that I cannot have because I committed to try to make you happy. I’ve failed at making myself happy. I have lost all of my friends, and replaced them with new friends. Those are your friends. I am almost completely unfamiliar with them, and I feel awkward and out of place. My father grows older every day, and I am never there for him, because I am either at work or on the other side of the world attending to a relationship. I have stopped going to the meetings that keep me sane. I am alienated from my church, and I don’t speak to many people anymore. I have spent time driving 45 minutes one way to endure screaming, yelling, and crying from your son. My nerves are shot every time I do this. Your happiness at the expense of my mental illness is not fair to either of us. My life spent trying to fix the broken ruins of a failed marriage is taking its toll on my state of mind. I have overcome alcohol and drugs in an effort to save my own life. It is the first time in my life that I have stood up for myself and made a determined effort to change. I felt myself being pulled in all directions, and an innate sense of duty to try and bring happiness to those around me. I have failed to look after my own mental state, and have allowed myself to be pulled into an environment that was very trying to my mental well-being. I am not trying to make you sad, but I cannot find my own peace and happiness if my environment is detrimental to my mental health. I may be headed in the direction of being a hermit or a recluse. I know that this is not healthy either. What I do know is that I must do what is healthy for my mental state; a realm that is completely out of my control.

Hi Born2Fly, I'd say that you've very clearly and reasonably put your thoughts and feelings across there.........although I'm guessing it took a lot of doing, so well done!!
And absolutely you shouldn't be jeopordising your life, your well-being in the interests of maintaining a relationship/someone else's happiness, you matter too!!
So some things with or without the relationship which may make your life better??
E.g. do you think maybe you could salvage some of/any of those old friendships?? Maybe try??
And certainly the meetings and church sound really important to you, so maybe you could return to them??
And btw MASSIVE KUDOS on overcoming alcohol and drugs, that was an incredible achievement!!!! Try not to let anyone put that at risk, hey??!!!
And more time with your father?? Time can be precious...........
So........"and an innate sense of duty to try and bring happiness to those around me".........you're absolutely right, you have a duty to yourself too. And right now that duty needs to be focused on you.
You have been through, overcome, and been through so much again..........but now it sounds like you're ready to stand up for yourself again, to focus on your best interests again.........so real respect there, don't let anything stand in your way!!!
And everything you can to get help with the depression and PTSD, hey??!! A T/counselor, a pdoc, your doctor??? And of course, talking on here!!!
And once again......well done on that discussion!!!!

Alison

This is so true and imo is great that you know that. Glad to see you're doing well for yourself and being honest and open

Alison, Without a relationship, I feel that I can manage my treatment more effectively. I do think I may be able to salvage some of the old friendships, but not rushing in with desperation. My church ignored me three years ago when my dad went into the hospital with congestive heart failure; even though I reached out to my pastors. I find friendships at the AA meetings, because those people know what I struggled with. My girlfriend has 3 kids; 19, 16, and 6. 19 year old in collage, 16 year old is a pathological liar, and the 6 year old is a ADHD hyperactive ball of confusion. She seems to cater to their every desire, but no discipline at all. She is working on finishing her Ph.D, and I think she just doesn't see how her divorce has negatively effected those kids. I cannot be the one to hold that mess together and still maintain my sanity.

Im so sorry this happened i really hope things get better, but good job hanging in there. you handled the situation extremely well.

Hi Born2Fly, and you shouldn't be responsible for trying to hold the mess together
And even without the depression, etc..........you wouldn't want to be stuck in the middle of all that I'm guessing. So your responsibilities with/towards yourself now, right?!! And got to commend you on recognizing that!!!
I am so sorry your church turned their back on you, particularly during such a hard time in your life though. That's...........!!!
But you know that already anyway, right??! Although what I can say is that there are plenty of people on here who have said that their church/es have been a big help during difficult times.........so maybe try not to let that experience shake the faith you had and try to let another church/the people in it into your life??? Just a thought..........

Alison

Sounds like you stuck it out better than most. I know I could not have pulled all that off when in the throws of a relapse. I wouldn't feel like a wimp. If fact it makes you tougher than any non-depressed person. Just for 10 minutes I would love for some non-Depression sufferers to plop my brain in their head. Ha! They would be on the floor begging for their Mommy in 2 minutes.