[lostinnyc2015]

Hi everyone - I am new to this forum and new in general to trying to assess my life. I'm a relatively successful person and by most people's accounts, I'm easy to get along with, honest, upstanding citizen that tries to do the right thing.

At the same time, over the last few years I've been drinking alcohol excessively, working too much, and having sex outside my marriage (sometimes fueled by the alcohol). My marriage is suffering because of it, obviously, though she doesn't even know about the sex. It is just clear that there is a problem.

All of this makes me feel terrible about myself. I have very high standards for myself, but I choose to fail them all the time. I'm so disappointed that I hurt my wife - she is a good person who loves me very much and wants the best for me and for us.

I don't really know what I'm looking for. I am not someone that people would think is very emotional or depressed or even stressed. I have a very relaxed persona. All of this is going on and people don't even know.

I'm not sure what I should do....so I just wanted to share and learn and talk.

Thanks for reading.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hello lostinnyc2015

Thank you for introducing yourself to us.

I am sorry to hear that things are not easy for you.

You've made the right choice by joining Psych Central.

This is a very supportive community.

It helps to discuss our issues and concerns with members who understand what we go through.

It's good that you are here. May you find the comfort and support that you deserve.

[Fizzyo]

Hello, you are clearly in a difficult place. Most of us can relate to being one thing inside and seeming to be a different 'better' person on the outside. I hope you find the support to rebuild your life the way you want to. Best Wishes for your recovery and choices.

[lostinnyc2015]

Thank you for the warm welcomes.

I don't really know what my next steps should be. I know I should probably get better, but sometimes I also just feel that I should accept that I have major faults.

We have done couples counseling. The counselor is actually quite good (the only one I've ever seen, so nothing else to compare to). I have seen her by myself and mostly talked about work stress. I didn't feel comfortable telling her about the sex issue since she knows both of us now.

[kaliope]

hi lostinnyc
maybe finding a counselor of your own? revealing all this could put the current counselor in an uncomfortable position during marital sessions. as you say the extramarital affairs have been fueled by alcohol, have you considered that alcohol may be a problem for you? could you consider going to a 12 step meeting for a time and listen to other's stories of how alcohol has brought damage to their lives and see how it compares to your own? people drink because of stress, but then it causes all kinds of problems for them in their lives. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

It's great that you're assessing your life and looking honestly at yourself. That's rarer than you might think.

I think that finding the right person to talk to about this is a good step. It could be a counselor or a life coach or anyone who will help you to examine your values and your actions and to help you decide how to bring those back in alignment.

You may end up getting a diagnosis of depression or anxiety during this process or maybe not. I can't tell from what you wrote.

I don't know if you are a religious/spiritual person. I have found pastoral counselors to be good resources. They are great for talking to about your views about life, the meaning of life in your eyes, what you think your purpose in life is and how you're achieving or not achieving it, etc. I have seen two different ones & they were more of a mix of spirituality + psychology rather than a "Bible counselor". Very open to discussing the "big questions".

There are some very good and wise people doing life coaching as well.

I'm mentioning these kinds of resources first, because you may be able to change your behaviors without extensive digging around in your psyche. (That would always be *my* preference.)

I don't think you should give up your high standards.

I am obviously NOT a psychotherapist, since I'm giving advice and saying "should".

I'm guessing that you're in your 40s, but that's just a guess. Time to plan "Act Two" of your life.

This community can be valuable for talking about what's going on with you. People will give you (mostly) thoughtful answers. It's pretty much anonymous. It can't solve your problems but it can give you ideas.

Best regards. Hope to see more posts from you.

[Fuzzybear]

[vital]

Originally Posted by lostinnyc2015

I'm not sure what I should do....so I just wanted to share and learn and talk.

I don't want to upset you, but it sounds to me like you already know what you should do - You just don't want to do it. - vital

[lostinnyc2015]

Jo and kailope: thank you for the suggestions. Those are helpful. One of my concerns is finding the "right" counselor or support person. I'm afraid that issues of sex and cheating will be hard for that person to dissect and counsel in a somewhat supportive way. That's probably because I already feel guilty myself but also, counselors are people too and have their limitations and biases.
Recommendations would be great but I don't exactly want to ask my friends if they know of someone who deals well with these issues.

[Fizzyo]

Counsellors are trained not to show their prejudices and help you work things through. You will condemn yourself more than a good counsellor which does not mean they won't challenge you as you clearly don't think what you did is right and that will cause you pain. If you are serious about addressing the issue which is causing you distress (and has the potential to distress your wife too) then taking your courage in both hands to talk to someone may be what you need to do. Only you know deep inside. Best wishes,

[Fuzzybear]

Counsellors, being people, do indeed have biases and limitations. But, as Fizzyo said, good counsellors have learnt in training to keep negative feelings out of the therapy/counselling so as not to harm the "client". If a counsellor feels they can't work with you because of their own "issues" they "should" refer you to someone (another counsellor) who can help and listen without their own biases or prejudices tainting the therapy. I wish you luck

[Born2Fly71]

Hi lostinnyc2015, You know deep down that what you are doing is wrong. That is why you feel the pain. But you also know something is wrong on the inside, which is also why you feel the pain. I struggled for many years with alcohol and drugs. I have been sober now for one year, but my problems did not go away. Sure, I got rid of a lot of them, but a lot of the pain is still there. I went through a divorce in 2008. In 2012, my girlfriend tried to kill herself, and now I am still feeling tremendous pain because of major depression. It sounds to me like you have a conscience and a heart. My advice would be to break free by being honest with your wife and yourself. I will be praying for you!

[Clara22]

Sex and cheating are more common than you think; it could be part of the same package together with alcohol addiction. Beyond digging in the causes you may need to have a set of tools to persevere and do not relapse (once you find your best treatment ). So, you may need to go beyond counsellors and look for therapy, AA groups, or something that focuses on you as an individual. I wish you the best