Can it get any worse?

In the past few months my BF of 2 yrs, has repeatedly asked me to get help. But being me, the person who thinks I can fix everything and do everything myself, suddenly found herself sitting in the doc's office crying like a baby 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with severe depression, (that's anther story..) I have been taken off of work, a place I worked for for 15 yrs, and I am now on antidepressants. I am an alcoholic, and I also do cocaine occasionally.

I've been in and out of dark thoughts all the past month. Last friday I went out and got home at 6:00am, sat morning, and he left me. He said that he couldn't handle the situation anymore, and that I really need help. He said that he couldn't help me no longer, that I was pulling him down. He is a suicide survivor, and is codependant in relationships. He had called suicide action, and they advised him to leave for his own health.

On Monday I finally decided to use the referral for a psych, the doc gave me, but wouldn't you know it he's not taking any more patients! In complete desperate need of help I had spent all of monday morning on the phone trying to get myself some help. I waited all day for someone to call. Nothing......

Tuesday I tried again. Got hold of an info line, and had an appointment with a social worker on wednesday. She was very kind and it clicked between us. She decided I would be her patient, she would guide me in the right places. But, today she called to tell me that I don't live in the right district of the clinic, and now she has to transfer my file to someone else at another clinic!!!

He came over yesterday for supper, and he told me that he's going into therapy for codependants. He also said that he wouldn't be coming back before Monday. Tonight when he called he said that he still didn't have a rendez-vous with the therapist, and that he wouldn't be coming back until he had spoken to someone abt our problems. **SLAP**

I haven't been alone in 21 yrs. I find it so hard waking up in the morning to a silent house. I sleep on the couch, because the bed is so empty.....Breakfast consits of cup after cup of coffee. Lunch is pretty much like supper, grab whatevers there, yet I love to cook, but I can't make something just for me. I have no friends outside the drug/alcohol circle and I'm beginning to think that there's holes in the health system.

First, Hi and hugs!!!

Second. . .don't sleep on the couch!! From a former couch sleeper (after my divorce), I found, at least for me, it added to my depression. I enabled myself to keep being a victim.

If you feel you need to talk to someone just keep trying and you'll eventually get in. If you're anything like me, I do try and 'handle' EVERYTHING until the bottoms falls out and I just want off the crazy ride and I want help or a shoulder at THAT EXACT MOMENT.

There are a ton of great people located within this forum and willing and ready to be there to listen, offer advice, or join in the rant.

(((((HUGS)))))

Hello Mikamia -- I hope you will go to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings right away. Today. There are meetings in every community, usually many times a day, especially on weekends. If you do not have transportation, they often can send someone to get you. You will find other people drinking endless cups of coffee, smoking (usually outside the meeting room these days), and struggling with problems much like your own. Some of them have overcome such problems, and part of their sobriety program is to reach out to newcomers such as you.

You will get immediate support at a meeting; you will not have to wait for a T or any other service.

Alcohol is a depressant, so it is intensifying your depression.

Go at least 7 times, trying out different meetings until you find one where you feel comfortable.

I send you love and prayers that you will give this a try.

Just thinking about you Mikamia and hoping your well today.