Crisis, what now? (ed triggering)

I think I might be in crisis mode. It started Sunday, when I had a random anxiety attack thinking about how much of my life I spend just getting through the day instead of working towards goals. Ever since Monday morning, I've been so depressed that I've struggled to get out of bed, and just went back to bed as soon as I get home from work. I've been crying every few hours (told everyone at work I had a bad cold because my face has been so puffy).

I'm turning 24 in a few months, and I feel like my life is over. When I was young I used to have so many dreams and goals, I wanted to be a dancer, I was going to my a wife and Mom, get a huge fancy degree and be a writer. Now that's all slipped away. I have no reason to look forward to the future, and the more time I spend just getting by, the older I get and the more of life I miss.

This is also triggering eating disorder thoughts because you always hear people talk about how metabolism slows down and when you grow up, you can't eat like you did in your teens. I've suffered from various facets of eating disorders over the past two years or so, with my weight fluctuating everywhere from severely underweight to slightly overweight. I've dealt with everything from severe restriction and fasting to sugar addiction. I'm scared that as I get older, my weight will get harder to control and I'm destined to be overweight for the rest of my life.

I've been having suicidal thoughts, so I've called crisis lines several times and every time they end up basically telling me I need to be in therapy. And I would if I could, but I've looked into it and I simply can't afford even the co-payment for anything more intensive than what I have now (one appointment every three months to check up on medications).

Sorry that this is so long, but I just don't know where to turn and need advice.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I don't really know how health care works in the US, other than its expensive especially if you have no benefits. It sounds like you have some coverage? Have you ever tried other kinds of therapy?

Being 24, I know how it can feel like your life is over. But truly, you have so many years to look forward to! Is there anyone you can reach out to right now? A friend, family member?

I don't have any real advice to give. But I'm here to listen. I know how hard it is to struggle with these things. I'm glad you are reaching out. I hope someone has some good words of advice to you. In the meantime, if you need to call the crisis line again, please do.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Hang in there Break. I'm struggling a bit too right now with difference in expectations v reality. I'm also worried about the cost of my health care. I've been told it will be affordable but I'll believe it when I see it. One good bit of news I can bring you is that as you age and IF you do gain some weight certain guys really like that. Gaining a lil as you get older is expected and I used to worry too. But I realized and saw that people of both genders actually find this attractive. I hope I'm not being inappropriate here I'm just trying to diminish the fear that I had that's in you. You seem like an awesome person

If the thoughts get too bad, then go to the ER. Either call them or if you can get someone to drive you. They have to take you seriously.

Considering that I don't have anything physically wrong with me, what would they do at the hospital? And wouldn't I end up with more medical bills?

If you tell them you have suicidal thoughts with severe intent, they have to treat you. Mostly like will not let you leave until a crisis team meets with you. There is a possibility that you will get a medical bill, but there are ways to get help for it. I would rather you be safe if you are seriously unable to stop yourself. This is more so a last resort situation but you will be treated.

I was forced to go to the hospital because of intent and they took it seriously.

Another idea would be to call a SUI hotline to help you when you are very close to edge. They are pretty helpful and may be able to help you find some counseling resources that you can afford. I would post their number but I can't get it while on my phone.

Hello again BreakMS, I'm so very sorry you feel so very bad. However, I do so understand, infact I feel like you do right now, I too hate life and don't want to leave my bed at all now. Like you my eating addictions are rife and I detest it. I have absolutely no self control and for this I hate myself further. I've gained weight and can't seem to ''get back on the waggon'' and stop eating c***. In England ER won't do anything for mental health unless you get there by ambulance from a suicide attempt BUT, they certainly don't have any patience with people who do this. I've phoned crises lines many times, only two weeks ago I did. Yes, they listen but no real outcome derives out of it. Ive found it's better to go to your GP who will refer you on to a Psych Dr. Please try and ride this out if you can, if you need a listening ear consider it mine or anyone else here darling. I'll check up on you tommrow (Saturday).

It's horrible enough that depression makes our inner-world feel like an endless, turbulent ocean where staying afloat is an everyday effort. But to see ourselves withering on the outside makes things only tougher. I struggle to eat anything more than a granola bar in any sitting, and I worry that my mother is going to see how skinny I've gotten the past few months.

Try to make it your first priority to get help. I don't know your situation, but maybe a sympathetic friend or relative could loan you money to see a mental specialist. Until then, just talking about your troubles can ease pains a little. If you want I'm always open for a chat, finding someone to accompany you through this dark place can be of vital importance. Despite the distress and hopelessness that reigns over our life, it's all an illusion of the depression, take solace that even though its crippling, there are so many people who've been able to escape it.

Talked to my mother today. I'm not feeling any better at all, but she said she'd help me find counseling.