I'm Really Scared...

By early May I had been feeling really good and my Depression wasn't so bad. I had just finished my Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and my antidepressant (Wellbutrin, 150 mg) was starting to kick in. I finished the semester and did very well on my final papers and exams and earned all A's and B's in college.

But since I've been home for the summer for the past couple weeks I've been feeling really depressed. I plan to do some volunteer work and I've been filling out paperwork and scheduling interviews and stuff so I'm working on it and putting everything in place. But I've just had these feelings of emptiness that I can't get over, and I've been crying a lot, like how I was before I was taking any medication and getting proper help.

But what really scares me is that although having suicidal thoughts daily is my baseline now, the thoughts have been getting much more frequent and intense for the past week, and I am starting to fixate upon one plan.

I'm not scared of going to the hospital, as I had a very positive experience the first time I went inpatient. I'm more scared that going back will mean that my treatment isn't working and that I'm a total failure. I'm also worried that my family will be mad at me and feel that all that time I've been in treatment was a waste of time and money and just be disappointed in me. And my mom thinks that if my depression gets worse again that it might be better if I go to a college closer to home and commute instead of living on campus at the school I go to now...which I don't want to do and I think that would actually make me more depressed. I just don't know what to do and I haven't felt this terrible in months and I don't know why because I've been taking all my meds properly and going to therapy and stuff like I'm supposed to. Any advice or support would be appreciated. Thanks.

- Rycoon

Hi Rycoon,

I can understand why you're scared. You've done what at least some of the experts say is the best treatment (meds and therapy), right? And yet your problem remains. If you have done all the best treatments ALREADY, are you in a really bad situation? Lucky for you, your situation is very understandable and is FAR from hopeless. Meds very often either don't do much or they work for a while but then wear off. There are actually many good things to try for depression that you can do yourself which have a very good chance of helping and which are healthy for you anyway. Here is what I think is the best plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

I also think that these notes might help you:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

There you'll find a game that is a great way to get started on your healing journey. Depression makes people passive - once you are actively trying to get better yourself that already will help things will start to look up and once you find something that really works, you'll feel so much better.

As a random piece of personal advice, I think you're right that commuting from home will likely make you more depressed.

Keep in touch and let us know how it goes!

- vital (fellow Bostonian)

Is Wellburin the only anti-depressant you have tried? I went through 3 difference treatments before I found the one that works best. Just a thought.

Hi Friend

please understand that depression can have relapse and just accept that fact. acceptance calms your mind and prepares you to battle it more efficiently. and don't be alone as that's when these suicidal thoughts arise. surround yourself with friends or at least a pet.

Thanks guys...that makes me feel a little better.

I'm going to be in a DBT group in a few weeks which I hope helps (because I have a lot of Borderline Personality Disorder tendencies) and I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow so I may need my medication to change. Wellbutrin is the only antidepressant I've been on, and before that I was on a mood stabilizer (Seroquel) and it made me really irritable and while on it I had the mental breakdown that made me go inpatient for the first time. I hope something can help.

And I'll read those notes when I get the chance. Thanks.

Hi Rycoon,
First you had some real structure in the outpatient program I am sure. So the structure being gone may be part of it. Sounds like you are going to be doing things for the summer and that is great but you may have to much empty time right now which allows you to do a lot of thinking. Two things as someone above said sometimes it is not the right medicine or combination of medicines or maybe it just needs some more time to work. Medicines are tricky they usually take along time to get right and when your body gets to used to them usually you have to try something else. Hang in there I know it is tough I have been in shoes before. Biggest thing I see is that you are fixate upon one plan in my opinion this is very important to let your therapist know so he/she can work with you. Being a mom myself I do understand how your mom is scared but I think if you give her some assurances of why it would be better to stay at the college you are that could go along way. Please keep in contact with us... Take care

Hi Rycoon,
First you had some real structure in the outpatient program I am sure. So the structure being gone may be part of it. Sounds like you are going to be doing things for the summer and that is great but you may have to much empty time right now which allows you to do a lot of thinking. Two things as someone above said sometimes it is not the right medicine or combination of medicines or maybe it just needs some more time to work. Medicines are tricky they usually take along time to get right and when your body gets to used to them usually you have to try something else. Hang in there I know it is tough I have been in shoes before. Biggest thing I see is that you are fixate upon one plan in my opinion this is very important to let your therapist know so he/she can work with you. Being a mom myself I do understand how your mom is scared but I think if you give her some assurances of why it would be better to stay at the college you are that could go along way. Please keep in contact with us... Take care

Thanks. I told my therapist a few days ago how I was starting to fixate upon one plan and she said that it was bad but if it gets worse I'll need to be hospitalized again or at least get a mental health evaluation. :/

I think I'll try to talk to my mom about why it's best I stay at the college I'm at now and why living on campus will be okay...but I need to make sure I'm in the right state of mind and my emotions are somewhat stable because I know the conversation will probably be somewhat stressful for me. Thank you.

From what I've read you seem to be doing really well despite your depression getting bad again but I understand your fears. You seem to be the opposite of failing to me. You did well in college and you're still trying to get help. I have a similar situation, I did well in college the past two semesters and with my mental health the last few months of last year but my depression has been worse this year and I'm increasingly feeling like a failure because I'm still unemployed and unsure of what major I want to focus on and I still can't seem to make friends beyond the classroom.