[Samanthaq]

My sister and I are very close, always have been. She called me today and we spent hours on the phone, like four of them. We both needed it. We laughed, cried, laughed some more, and so forth.

We both asked each other why it is we keep asking the people around us to slow down, give us a minute, and they treat us like lepers. I've been working hard the last two years, we both have, and seems like the harder we work, the more that gets thrown at us.

Two years ago I was un-medicated, and depressed to the point where it was life threatening. I've worked hard to make internal and external changes. I have meds now that work, but what happens when they keep throwing more and more at you. I'm sorry, but there is only so much in the way of medication a human body can take. There is only so much stress too.

I have so much wrong with me that the SSA approved my disability app first go round. Yeah, so I'm really broken and it isn't going to get much better at this rate. One damn fool thing after another. I don't want to be on disability for the rest of my life, but at this rate, it isn't going to be very long. Not because I'll do anything rash, but because the human body isn't designed to take this kind of punishment.

So, I have meds, lists of things to do, think, and so forth, meditation, yoga, exercise good diet, sleep, drink plenty of water and on and on. I'm being a good girl. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. When does everyday STOP being a crisis? When do people stop throwing things at me?

WHEN DO I GET TO STOP FIGHTING ALL THE TIME?!?!?

Does this make any sense? Anyone? Anyone?

When I was younger I was a cutter. I got past that. I paid my dues so to speak, I have the scars to show. Now, I don't have to do anything, I'm going to be 43 this year, and no matter how hard I'm fighting, working, my body is coming apart under the stress. Fight or flight? Can I run away? Far? Can I stop fighting? Soon? Enough is already way, way too much. How do I make it all stop long enough to actually spend some time, oh, I don't know, maybe healing?

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((Samanthaq))))))))))))))))))))

Wow .. it looks like you are struggling with some quite intense things right now. I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult...

I may not have as much life experience as you do, but i've seen enough in my life to understand what you described above as having things constantly being thrown at you and not knowing how to handle it/why its all happening at once. I've also SI'd, been severely depressed, on meds etc etc ... and so i've had a taste of that so to speak. What's helped me get through some tough times has been the people in my life.... its really good to hear that you have your sister there for you. That you have that sort of connection with someone in your family ... thats so important. Keep talking with her about whats going on in your life ... talk to the people that you trust, and let yourself lean on them from time to time when you need support. Although i'm sure you already know all of this ...

Just know that you CAN fight this. You can get through this. Keep telling yourself that and it will happen. No body ever really gets far when they run away from their problems ... they seem to have a funny way of sneaking back up on them. When things get really bad ... just think of the things that have made you happy in the past, or things that still make you happy. Do you have any hobbies? Favourite movies? Favourite places to go? Do any of those things if its possible ... give yourself a break when you feel the stress building up. Make a little "you" time in your day - even when you are having a good one. Its so important to take time for yourself and give yourself a little "mental break" from reality.

Its going to be okay, just take things one step at a time. Try not to let things overwhelm you to the point where you feel like theres nothing you can do. I know, easier said then done .. but if you can recognize what especially triggers you in to becomming overly stressed, you can tackle the problem better.

((((hugs))))
Jacq

[Wants2Fly]

Sometimes I feel that life is an endless fight, too, especially when outer circumstances are tough. My heart goes out to you.
(((((((((((((((Samanthaq))))))))))))))))))))

I think the media sell us a bag of rotten goods by presenting us with images that life is supposed to be easy, and all problems should be solved in thirty to sixty minutes, whereupon we resume our carefree lives.

The media give us a sense of entitlement. I'm a tad older than you, and I doubt that life ever stops being a struggle. One good word I've learned along the way is to reframe things as a "challenge." Reframe having to deal with many responsibilities as "juggling" rather than struggling. Give yourself loads and loads of credit for everything you've achieved so far! You've earned that praise! Brava! Brava!



Using different words may seem like merely playing with words but used over time, they can help to create a different perspective.

Best wishes. Keep posting to get it off your chest.

[Samanthaq]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((wants2fly)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((jacq10)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This morning I woke up crying . . .

Again . . .

I did the only reasonable thing lacking reasonable access to my pdoc on the weekend. Being terrified that this all felt too much like the weeks leading up to my hospital trip two years ago, I got myself composed, managed to have some breakfast, took a shower, dried my hair, threw on some clothes and calmly drove to the hospital. My poor sister-in-law, today was her birthday, and how'd she get to spend several hours of it? In the local psych lockup with me while they tried to decide if I needed to stay a while.

I assured them I was coming in because I didn't want to have an in-patient experience. So, I spent several hours being checked, talking to their people, and they adjusted my meds until I could get to my pdoc on Wednesday. "Do you think you'd be better off if we admit you and you spend a few days? I was asked several times." "No." I said "I need help coping and taking control of how I'm feeling not having control of my life taken from me. I don't want to be Sandra Bullock's roomie in '28 days' thank you very much!" They suggested I journal, it would help me keep track of what I was feeling when. I had my most recent volume with me and said; "This is a 200 page college ruled composition book, I don't write in it everyday, but when I do, I'm complete. I'm about halfway into right now. I started this volume in the middle of March? That good?"

"100 pages in two months? Well, yeah, that's good." They said . . .

So I'm at 'home' now, a place I've been living for almost three years, a place of madness and almost constant crisis. My sister-in-law has serious problems of her own, and the house is in foreclosure, which is just part of why I'm so freaked out. I'm scrambling to find a place I can afford on disability, that is somewhere reasonably close to my support network, but it isn't easy. The places that I can get help from want all sorts of paperwork and such I cannot handle doing, it's like going through disability again, and in some ways worse.

Everyone wants more from me than I can give, and it is getting so old.

The folks at the hospital were stunned at how much I am doing on my own behalf.

Positive self talk? Yeah, I've been working hard on it. Progress in two years, oh the stories I could tell you. I was being stalked by my husband and his parents, I had to have my SSN changed and everything else. I did it, managed it, survived it.

Kicked all the bad stuff. Caffeine, Un-healthy foods, diary, getting exercise 3 times a week (or more), meditation, deep breathing, journaling, this IS my full time and more job. Everyday, day in, day out I've been fighting for 8 years since my husband started hurting me, betrayed me, heart, mind, body and soul. Every waking hour. Hobbies? Wow, sometimes, when I can, I like to take pictures.

PTSD, Anxiety, fear of everything and everyone keep me practically shut in. Took me years to get to the point where I could go to Curves by myself. But I can do it! I DO! Well I was until things started pushing on me so much that I was drowning again.

I'm fighting for stability, and I have to look up a long way to see the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I'm treading water, and tired. I need to just be able to wake up not terrified of the sheriff showing up and saying, we don't care where you go, but you can't stay here.

Oh, goodness, I'm rambling. Me, I'm allergic to the media, I don't buy what they are selling, it just isn't real. I joined Curves not because of media, or program of anything other than the fact that there are NO MEN. It's a small quiet place, and the women are real, friendly, and we don't judge each other. It's good, and something I can do. Helps my mood, and my body. Of late though, the pain in my chest has spread outward, my whole body hurts, and working out makes it worse. I'm hoping getting my meds adjusted will help with that.

Older than me, mozel tov, you have my sympathy. I very much want and need to get my life under better control, get some stability going on, get some hobbies going on and start putting a bit more me time into it. I don't want to die, but I feel like the stress, the churn, the constant fight is killing me again. I won't have to do anything, one of these days my body is going to fail.

That scares me.

The muscle tension is doing harm, and I can't consciously do anything about it. Meditation is something I've been doing for years, got me to stop cutting when I was in my teens, and there was a time I really enjoyed it. Now I HAVE to do it? I resent that. My husband died, so he can't hurt me anymore, but he's still taking things from me . . .

Thanks for listening, my sister gets it, but I only get to talk to her on Saturdays or when she calls me. Living in Alaska she doesn't always have her phone on, in fact most of the time it's off. I have a support network, but it is not quite exactly what a girl could hope for. Some is better than none yes, and I'm working on more, but wow . . . Like I say, so much hard work all the time. Right now, maybe I should try and get some sleep . . . I just don't want to wake up crying again . . . So much fun . . .

Again, thanks for listening! I'm glad I stumbled across this place. I don't always make it over here, or on the computer really, but when I do, it is nice to find people who aren't clueless twits . . . ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) everyone!

[(JD)]

I've been called a lot of things in my life, but fortunately never a clueless twit

Yes, sleep is good... I'm with you on the venture.

(((hugs)))

[Samanthaq]

(((((((((((((((((_Sky)))))))))))))))))

Nope, you're not a clueless twit . . . Thankfully! I have plenty of those around me as is, last thing I need is to find more here.

Hope sleep worked out for you!

For me, the adjustment in meds so far has been a good thing, but I'm still in rough shape. I imagine before long, they'll need to be changed some more. Today was hard in spots.

There is a horrific statistic about the five year survival rate of battered women. I'm trying so hard to beat those odds, I want to stick around, need to for no other reason than to get past my history. I've learned some amazing and surprising things, about myself, people, the world and this plane of existence.

I'm a good girl, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, have wild sex or anything else I shouldn't. I never have. No wild partying, nothing, ever in my life. I make (no offense intended) good little catholic girls of Vatican I days look like wild party animals. I don't spend money unrealistically, I don't make other people's lives a living hell, I stay out of trouble, I'm quiet, polite and have totally given up on the few things I ever wanted out of life.

I'm not looking for a love that will last, affection, someone to hold me, a family, children and grandchildren anymore. No, I'm just looking to stay out of trouble, maybe touch a few lives for the better, spread the word about surviving domestic violence, mental illness and overwhelming loss.

I have to survive it all first.

Right now, I feel like I'm treading water, have been for days. I'm so very, very, very tired and the waves are getting more and more intense. There's a force three hurricane heading toward me, short of an act of God, I'm not going to survive it. So why do keep fighting?

Oddly enough, and this is the part I cannot explain, to myself or anyone else, I don't want to die right now. The other day not withstanding. The prospect of another 20 years of this crap however, no way. Frankly another five is unacceptable, especially given everything I've been through in the last two alone.

Every time I turn around someone else is asking me, trying to force me to turn my back on my principles and surrender what little of my life I have left. The same things that have happened time and again, I have not been able to see them coming and prevent them, now I can see them. Yeah, see them and I feel like I'm looking at a coming hurricane.

So do I sell my soul, cave again now that I know better, know what I've done wrong? Do I allow them to do, to me, what got me in all this much trouble in the first place? Flashbacks and nightmares aren't enough, now I have to do it again, have it rubbed in my face, my heart and soul? Doctors, Therapists, Books and more tell me to identify and limit my exposure to triggers, not push myself. So here I have people who are supposed to be helping me pushing me harder than I can go, wanting more from me than I have, or am capable of giving.

I kid you not, one of these people looked at me Friday and said; "How long have you been seeing your current Therapist and Psychiatrist?"

When I told her it had been two years she said that had been long enough, it was time for a change . . .

I'm still in a bit of shock over that one . . .

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
she said that had been long enough, it was time for a change

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Wonder what she'd say about my tenure

I'm not one for name calling. I would say she is quite ignorant though.

I think what becomes confusing is that we think about dying, but we don't want to die... the thing is that we want things to change.... bailing out totally is just a supposed option to force that change?

Do what you need to for good self care... whatever is in your own best interest. I would advise you to fully discuss any change with your T.

(((hugs)))

[Samanthaq]

I decided, as insane as it sounds, that I cannot, should not, and even if it means being homeless, will not work with an agency who's answers are that flippant. Nope, not going to happen. My whole life I've just turned over and bared my throat to the big dog, to the bully, and been beaten and maimed for it time and again. So I'd rather now just stand my ground, stand up for myself, and die trying than keep getting hurt and left for dead.

Two years ago May 20th I wanted to die, I was ready. I thought it would solve my problems and let me rest. Now, two years later I know that's not the case. I remember, in horrifying detail the last time I took my life, and what exactly happened. I'm still angry, and hurt. I have pain from a life, people who are all now probably dead . . . Then of course there is the pain, anger, and hurt from this life.

G-d got to rest, when do I???

Yeah, I told them in th nicest possible way that I couldn't accept the terms of their assistance. Wow. Progress of one sort, but only the providence knows the cost to me personally.

The good news is my sister called again yesterday, we spent four more hours on the phone. She wanted to know if it would be okay with me if she changed her trip in August so that on the way back from the UK she stopped over for six days instead of six hours . . . Hell yeah!!! Love that girl, she really gets me . . .