Uncomfortable love

I feel like I dont deserve anything. Love, happiness, material items, friends, anything. I feel extremely embarrassed if somebody tries to give me something or do something for me. I feel weak and insecure.

Everytime somebody tries to do something for me or buy me something, I don't know how to act. I feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed. If im on a date, I feel obligated to pay for things because I don't want the other person to think that I don't have money. Which I dont and my family never really has. But I give off the image that I do.

I hate opening gifts during Christmas in front of my family because I don't think I deserve any of them. I don't have money to buy anybody anything so it makes me feel embarrassed to sit there and open gifts from my parents. I've always felt this way since I was a child. Im in my 20's now. During birthdays, I try to stay away from my family because I don't feel worthy enough to blow out my candles and accept my parents gift. Sometimes I feel sad and guilty and sometimes I feel pure humiliation.

I feel really uncomfortable and awkward when someone hugs me or touches me. Especially towards my family. It just doesnt feel right to even hug my parents. I only feel comfortable and "good" hugging somebody that im dating or in a relationship with. Literally. My parents never wanted to give me affection when I was a child so why are they trying to do it now? I dont want any hugs from them now. Id rather somebody elses parents hug me.

I can't open up fully during sex that ive had in my past relationships. Only been in 2 but still. I feel insecure despite the fact that I am not unattractive and my body is in shape like any other 25 year old. Im just very insecure and I can't connect all the way. Nobody understands why.

Wtf is wrong with me? Even as a child, I never felt good enough. I guess it all started when kids started bullying me at school. Calling me ugly and stupid. My mom thought I was the dumbest person in the world. She always used to call me a moron and talk to me like I was ****in retarded when I was like 10 years old. On top of her and my dad beating the crap out of me.
I just hate being uncomfortable all of the time. Who is ever gonna love me if I dont even love myself?

Hi Friend

you have gone thru child trauma and abuse and that has left its trace in your subconscious mind. but what you are doing to yourself now is more worse. you are making yourself feel unworthy. you have your own set of perceptions that needs to be met to make you worthy. it's a scale you have setup ( or this society has setup) to gauge your value. have you ever wondered if all this perceptions are worthy if they make you feel unworthy? have you asked yourself " so what if i am dumb?, so what if i don't have money? so what if am ugly?

the society has been pounding us with illusions thru TV, media, movies that you need to be smart, successful in order to be worthy. just remember you are worthy only to yourself.

when someone gifts you something it does not mean that they give it because you lack it. they give it out of joy they get in gifting it. do you think only materialistic gifts matter? you can gift them a smile, your compassion, your love, your support, your shoulder to cry for someone in pain. don't you think these gifts are priceless???

when you were a child your parents being adults may have abused you. now they have become old and have gained wisdom and learnt from their mistakes. now that you are an adult, do you wish to be like how your parents were? forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU. it heals you internally and releases you.

not a lot of useful wisdom here.... but what I can say is - do not worry about the money for gifts thing.

A THOUGHTFUL gift is much more valuable than an expensive gift. So, literally, write a meaningful, loving letter. That would be treasured.

How did your first therapy session go? Your post here, as it is or edited, would be a great resource for following sessions.

Your therapist needs to know about those early experiences with parents and peers.

Thank you so much for responding. Well the thing is, I know realistically, that im not unintelligent. I have an education. I just feel that way when im around my mother. I know im not ugly but I still FEEL that way. I tried to reassure myself that it's okay not to be a billionaire but I still feel like I should be.

Im not a bad person but I still dont feel good enough. It's a stupid way to feel but I dont know HOW to not feel this way. My thoughts tell me that im worthy but my emotions tell me that im wrong.

I appreciate it when somebody tries to give to me. But instead of feeling happy and excited, I feel humiliated and two feet tall. I feel perfectly fine giving to other people, but I hate receiving. And I know that I sometimes come across as unappreciative to some people. Im the first to give a smile, a shoulder to cry on, and just somebody to talk to but I don't let anyone do that stuff for me. It sounds pathetic but im used to people not caring. I've pushed everyone out of my life because im afraid they'll reject me if they see who I really am. So I guess, being loved from a distance is the most comfortable form to me. Im probably missing out.

I forgive my parents, I guess. I try to put myself in their shoes but when I think about some things that they did when I was a kid, it infuriates me. My mom has asked me why I shut myself off from everyone, including my family. But when I tell her that I think I think my behavior stems from childhood, she gets angry and defensive. She tells me that im dramatic- so I wont talk to her about anything anymore. My dad gets defensive and says that I deserved all of the physical abuse from them. I know he doesn't have bad intentions but, that fact is, I have to deal with the consequences of their actions now as an adult. CLEARLY im not okay. Btw, Ive only mentioned that to them once. I dont wanna make them feel bad but im just being honest. Sometimes I have dreams that my parents switch back to the same way they were when I was a kid. I wake up horrified, confused, disgusted and enraged.

I dont want to be annoying and play the poor helpless victim to anyone else. So I just lock myself away because I feel like everything would be much better if I wasnt around. Better for me and better for them.

I am on an antidepressant and it helps my mood but I guess I need therapy as well. I just have to make the appointment.

I had an appointment scheduled on the 12th but I stupidly didnt go. I was put on Wellbutrin a few weeks ago and started feeling better so I figured I was fine. But clearly I need to go. The antidepressant improves my mood but it's clear to me now, that I need deep healing. Im going to make another appointment though! Thank you for responding!!