[Erablez]

Hello.. I'm not sure if anybody remembers me but please take the time to read this, I feel like this is it..
I'm literally flooding myself with tears right now, I can't stop them.
So, it's started recently when I broke up with my bf(I couldn't take it anymore, I mentioned he was my "rock" in a previous post, but there is a lot more to him than that, I just always focused on the positive sides in people..).
So, things were okay for a bit.. well, not "okay", they were actually horrible as I felt like he didn't even show any remorse or guilt at the way he's treated me throughout the year+ we've been living together. Or at the way it's ended. Like it all never mattered. Yet he said we would be friends and that nothing had to change. He knew I needed him just exactly as a friend at this time, nothing more, nothing less. Because I'm supposed to be transferring to a far away city(for college), and I'm a foreigner here so it is 10 times harder than normal.
Especially since I have a dog, too, a big one so I couldn't take her with me.
So he was supposed to come by to look after her when I'm out of town.
He did it once. For 2 days while I was away. Also, my landlord doesn't know I have a dog, so it's harder since now I can't always cover up. About a week later, he basically removes me from all his social media websites(FB and such..), and when I asked what's going on, he was basically being a ****** about things unrelated to anything. And basically he completely abandoned me. In the time I literally have nobody else and need him most(most of my friends have traveled so..), and it gets worse.
He said that he tested HIV+ and till now, I dunno if it's a joke or true.
I've tested myself, I never had any symptoms, I still don't. My result should be out now, but I didn't leave a number and I'm too scared to go check. I actually went today, in the waiting hall, I lost control.. I almost cried, I was hyperventilating, I never usually do. I felt like puking and like I was gonna faint, I just couldn't take it and ran outside. And to top it off, I'm now getting kicked out from the apartment. I am almost 100% sure he's the one who called up my landlord, she was like, there is noise coming from my place. Like people, and very loud music. I haven't invited anybody over in 3 months or so, I mean there isn't even anybody now to invite. As for the music, on weekends sometimes I put on the speakers(still not that loud), plus you can hear people from all over the building playing loud music on weekends. Otherwise, I always listen in my headphones. And that's not all. I'm having troubles with my passport, it hasn't reached its expiration date, but soon it will be canceled anyway due to new rules, and getting a new one takes time, at the same time I have to apply for a new residency, I dunno how that will happen? Even the university I applied to itself, I really don't know what will really happen. I mean they said my application was fine but I dunno, the transferring process might have complications. And I've put my family through enough already, both my parents have gotten very old and they have diabetes and other diseases, and I feel like if something happens to one of them, it will be my fault because of all I've put them through.. I mean growing up was already hard enough, I thought this was supposed to be the time of my life but look at it, it's scattered in pieces, and I might be starting to die and not even know it.. it's all way way too much, my stress level has never been so high, I am all alone, I've never been more suicidal in my life. I mean it literally doesn't seem like anything is going to be better ever!!
I don't understand why life has to be so unfair, I never hurt anybody, anyone who knows me will be like "he's one of the nicest people I know.."
It's too much, and I don't deserve it..

HUGE HUGS

Your life sounds crazy. Mine was too once upon a time and I felt like there was no way to fix anything because there was too much of it. Maybe this is stupid advice but this is all I can think of right now. Get a pad of paper. Write a heading on each sheet, like university, apartment, love life and so on. On each of those sheets, write a list of stuff you need to do or feel or think about or whatever. Then use a little colour scheme, like red, amber, green. So red for stuff you really need to deal with now, and green that you can leave till later. Tick each thing with the colour you feel - but don't make them all red or green, think about it and take your time. Perhaps this might help you feel less overloaded and give stuff some structure? Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Erablez, sorry you're having such a hard time. Breaking up is the most painful thing! (Apart from the long term damage of a toxic relationship). Thank you for coming and posting here, we want to support you if we can. Little Cat's idea could be very helpful. On a practical note I would urge you to get your test results as soon as possible, it will be almost impossibly hard, but knowing will take away some of the turmoil of uncertainty, and it may even be good news.
People do get their lives back after they seem to have fallen apart, so there is hope,even though you probably can't see it at the moment. If you want to rant, feel free to private message me or one of the Community Liaison volunteers, it really helps. Alternatively keep posting.
I wish you good luck as you try to find your way forward.

[waterknob1234]

Love and hugs to you.

[Killian Hook]

You are right, you don't deserve it.

Unfortunately, rarely in life does it come down to fair, or even just desserts. Stuff happens, bad stuff, and we are forced to take responsibility and react.

You have a lot on your plate. Too much it sounds like.

In my experience, it is best to dismiss any worries I don't know for fact are a problem. I deal with what I think I can try to change and nothing I else. Other than that, I ask myself what do I need to do for ME right now?

Practice good self care right now, mate. It will help.

Yours,

Killian

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[evzenezve]

We are in this life to learn. We learn through the challenges that we face.
The more we understand, the less we are afraid.
The more we understand, the less pain we will have.

The maxim, The truth will set you free is true.
Seek wisdom and truth.
Seek to know what we are and why we are here.

Everything you experience is orchestrated to lead you to perfect peace and joy.
The truly wise know this, and so will you someday.

[Fizzyo]

Everything you experience is orchestrated to lead you to perfect peace and joy

Maybe it is, but sure doesn't feel like it at times!

[evzenezve]

Maybe it is, but sure doesn't feel like it at times!

Even when you know in your heart that we are always safe and taken care of from above it often does not feel that way when we are in pain and suffer. As we progress the wiser and stronger we become and the more clearly we see things. Eventually pain, suffering, confusion etc will be gone and forgotten like the pain from child birth.

[Fizzyo]

Sorry evenseve, I did not mean to be negative. Sometimes it's hard to hear some things, even if they're true.

To Erablez, I'm thinking of you.

[Erablez]

Thank you, everyone for your kind words.
I'm sorry I didn't reply faster, I just literally needed time away from everything.
So an update..
I was kinda getting better.. I dunno, but the last 2-3 days, I was just hyper most of the time. I felt happy for no reason.. could be my mania, but I dunno, it usually doesn't last for that long.. anyhow, I tried being productive, trying to do what I can at the moment. That isn't going so well though.. especially when I went to my university today to ask about a few things, and I realized that I have some huge debt to pay off?
I knew I had a debt, but... not so big.. it's more than the double of what I thought I had.
And some of the people there were telling me that they're going to expel me, not just because of the debt, but because of some of my unfinished classes.
I am transferring anyway(which means I'm gonna NEED to expel myself from my current university anyway.. I know it sounds stupid to "expel yourself", but it's the rules over here.) but I dunno if this is going to affect my transfer in some way or another..
I talked to my sister today but I didn't mention any of it to her, because I've already put my family through enough. I heard my dad's gotten worse since the last time I talked to them.
I am trying, really, but there isn't much I can do.. technically, there isn't anything that I can do..
I'm still trying to stay positive though.. I doubt it will last for long, but I'm trying. Really wishing for a miracle, it feels like it's the only thing that can get me out of all of this... :/
Well, anyhow.. I wasn't planning for this to go on for so long..
Thank you all so much for your support and care once again.

[Fizzyo]

[Erablez]

Update:
I'm sorry for ranting, I just wanna keep you guys in the loop in case someone is worried, plus your support has helped me a lot!
So, things started to look up today!
I went to the clinic today, and I couldn't find my doc(apparently she's out of town and will be back August 3rd). But the doctor who was there instead asked me what I'm there for, I told her that I wanted my HIV test results, and she told me I should check with my doc because she currently has all the results.
She then asked me when I tested, I told her about 3 weeks ago, and she said then I shouldn't worry. She said she doesn't have my results but everybody who got tested this month(July), tested negative.
I tested around 6-7th July.
I felt so much relief, I was like "are you sure?" she was like "of course!".
I dunno if my ex is really positive or not, maybe he just wanted to scare me?
He was just plain rude in his texts, and was basically calling me a "*****" in an indirect way because I've been with more people than he has.
The thing is, I always used protection, except for one time when I got really really drunk. And I knew that he hasn't used protection with the 3 people he's been with before. Sooooo yea, if anyone had it, his chances were way higher.
Anyway.. I rambled on too much again xD
I felt like you guys needed to know the good news :')
Finally, I have one less thing to worry about!

Originally Posted by Erablez

Hello.. I'm not sure if anybody remembers me but please take the time to read this, I feel like this is it..
I'm literally flooding myself with tears right now, I can't stop them.
So, it's started recently when I broke up with my bf(I couldn't take it anymore, I mentioned he was my "rock" in a previous post, but there is a lot more to him than that, I just always focused on the positive sides in people..).
So, things were okay for a bit.. well, not "okay", they were actually horrible as I felt like he didn't even show any remorse or guilt at the way he's treated me throughout the year+ we've been living together. Or at the way it's ended. Like it all never mattered. Yet he said we would be friends and that nothing had to change. He knew I needed him just exactly as a friend at this time, nothing more, nothing less. Because I'm supposed to be transferring to a far away city(for college), and I'm a foreigner here so it is 10 times harder than normal.
Especially since I have a dog, too, a big one so I couldn't take her with me.
So he was supposed to come by to look after her when I'm out of town.
He did it once. For 2 days while I was away. Also, my landlord doesn't know I have a dog, so it's harder since now I can't always cover up. About a week later, he basically removes me from all his social media websites(FB and such..), and when I asked what's going on, he was basically being a ****** about things unrelated to anything. And basically he completely abandoned me. In the time I literally have nobody else and need him most(most of my friends have traveled so..), and it gets worse.
He said that he tested HIV+ and till now, I dunno if it's a joke or true.
I've tested myself, I never had any symptoms, I still don't. My result should be out now, but I didn't leave a number and I'm too scared to go check. I actually went today, in the waiting hall, I lost control.. I almost cried, I was hyperventilating, I never usually do. I felt like puking and like I was gonna faint, I just couldn't take it and ran outside. And to top it off, I'm now getting kicked out from the apartment. I am almost 100% sure he's the one who called up my landlord, she was like, there is noise coming from my place. Like people, and very loud music. I haven't invited anybody over in 3 months or so, I mean there isn't even anybody now to invite. As for the music, on weekends sometimes I put on the speakers(still not that loud), plus you can hear people from all over the building playing loud music on weekends. Otherwise, I always listen in my headphones. And that's not all. I'm having troubles with my passport, it hasn't reached its expiration date, but soon it will be canceled anyway due to new rules, and getting a new one takes time, at the same time I have to apply for a new residency, I dunno how that will happen? Even the university I applied to itself, I really don't know what will really happen. I mean they said my application was fine but I dunno, the transferring process might have complications. And I've put my family through enough already, both my parents have gotten very old and they have diabetes and other diseases, and I feel like if something happens to one of them, it will be my fault because of all I've put them through.. I mean growing up was already hard enough, I thought this was supposed to be the time of my life but look at it, it's scattered in pieces, and I might be starting to die and not even know it.. it's all way way too much, my stress level has never been so high, I am all alone, I've never been more suicidal in my life. I mean it literally doesn't seem like anything is going to be better ever!!
I don't understand why life has to be so unfair, I never hurt anybody, anyone who knows me will be like "he's one of the nicest people I know.."
It's too much, and I don't deserve it..

hugs

and i thought my life was bad... i'm not even halfway through life and feel so lost

you've been through so much- and i now feel like i shouldn't be complaining.