[AlteredState01]

Just wondering, because it is ALWAYS on my mind. Everyday. Without exception. The thought of suicide is never out of my mind - in good times and in bad.

I would probably feel like "I forgot to do something" if I didn't have a suicidal thought one day.

[withit]

Oh that is too funny....forgot to do something if you didn't have a suicidal thought....lol...

But seriously. YOu asked a question. Did you mean to ask how far we can go in talking about suicide here on pc?

[Fuzzybear]

I'm right there with you AS, it seems like a good option for me

[PetulantWolf]

hmmm why did my post not appear....this is the secon time today...

[burnkrn]

It comes back to one thing, my friend. That is, Why? Why is it that you feel like you want to die? Is there something missing that you feel like you'll never get? Is there an unsolved problem in your life? Or is it for no particular reason? If it is like an urge that you can't explain, then maybe you have some kind of emotional disorder. Fine, that can be helped in many ways. If you can specifically say, it's because of ... "this" ... then, maybe you could think about, Do i want to change ... "this" ... in my life? Or, Why don't i want to change ... "this" ... in my life? What is the cause, my friend? If you don't know the cause, then i suggest you speak to a trusted friend or authority in an attempt to identify this cause.

[mssumom]

I understand completely AS and feel those same thoughts more days than I don't. For alot of reasons that just seem to pile up and are hard to sift through, it just seems to be the easier and better for everyone way to make things right.

an admin or mod can answer u question and im sure they will when they log on..

altered i feel similar in that id be lost without those almost comforting thoughts running around the back of my head

((as))

[bipolar_bear]

The community guidelines state that one should not post a message that contains suicidal threats or suicidal actions. I am not sure if that clarifies it enough for you or not. If you want more info. please feel free to PM me.

BB

[AlteredState01]

What I HATE, is that it is an option that invades my thoughts much of the time when I am reeling! Never that it is a "good" option, Fuzz.

It is an intrustion into my healing. It is an option that is too easy to focus on.

I am NOT WRITING THIS in a disparate state of turmoil. I am writing this as part of my reality.

(might have to quote that one again, Fuzz)

[AlteredState01]

Yes, as far as the intrusive thoughts go.

Not as anything other than matter-of-fact discussion.

[AlteredState01]

I don't understand.

Can you said it again?

[AlteredState01]

Exactly! But it's an intrusive thought when one is trying to heal, don't you think?

This distresses me! I really do feel it is a "comforting thought." I have thought that way since I was a kid. One I have tried to make come to fruition (and thank my God that I always failed), I must admit, but one that I never thought that was right.

I am grateful for the "instinct" I have to preserve my life, no matter the punishment I have put it through.

[withit]

I'm not quite sure I get your question, but as I understand it when life is stressful that kind of thought serves as a fantasy escape from all the stesses. At times when I have felt overwhelmed I turned my attention to 'that thought' and it calmed me. Just knowing that it is an option helps me cope when the stress level is soooo high...

[AlteredState01]

Yes, yes! That's it! Why is that? Why do I have to think of such an extreme option to bring about a calmness? It's a weird way of doing things, don't you think?

[withit]

Because we haven't yet learned healthy ways of coping with our stresses. Why is it that 'that thought' comforts us? Because 'that' is a refuge an escape from the overwhelm. Makes sense to me. You uncomfortable with 'that thought' being the way we cope?

[AlteredState01]

Yes. Very much so. The "act" is not that far away from the "thought," especially when one has refined the thought to a quick and effective strategy.

It seems that since I have quit with the attempts (for the most part), the "plan" has gotten much more detailed. Before, it was rash, in-the-moment reactions. Now, the possibility of actually pulling it off exists more than ever before.

I guess the whole idea of "self-fulfilling prophesies" comes to mind.

[Perna]

I saw my T for 9 years then we terminated as I was moving too far away, changing jobs, my to-be husband was in my life, etc. Life went on and I didn't see her for another 9 years and then my father died and my stepmother started having problems, getting really senile and that woke up my life experiences as a toddler that I'd not worked through yet. I finally figured out I might be able to find my old T's phone number (in a different state from where I lived) in the phone books at the public library (I'd had fantasies of a trip driving to the other state and finding a phone booth with a phone book for that state/area :-) and I went and yes, there was her phone number which I gleefully wrote down, thinking I was now going to be "saved!"

However, I almost immediately, after writing down the number, got the urge to go find/check out books on suicide. I am use to "odd" notions like that from myself :-) and so was curious rather than very alarmed and decided to do that. I found 3-4 books that looked "right" (???) and then had to get over the idea that other people/the librarians were "watching" and would take down my name, call the police, etc. for checking out those particular books and so "many" of them at once. LOL.

I got myself, the phone number and the books home and immediately called my old T and there was loads of recognition and warmth in her voice and she was pleased to set up an appointment to see me again, expressed the thought that maybe it would be an opportunity for both of us to work through some things we hadn't finished with 9 years earlier. There was a catch though, she was going away and wouldn't be able to see me for 2-3 weeks. That was fine, I was still high on having found her and her being there and wanting to see me, etc. So we made the appointment for the next month.

Then it started. I innocently started thinking about what I'd tell her in that first session, how I'd organize my thoughts, etc. and "the" problem, as I was trying to unwind it (think tapestry with a bad spot/mistake you have to undo and rework) got more and more tangled and upsetting. Eventually I found words to put to how I was feeling: I felt like there was a sunami poised over my left shoulder :-) In the middle of this, I was again drawn to and started reading the books on suicide. I found them both "focusing" and comforting and I found those findings "odd" :-) so took a look at them.

Eventually I figured out a couple things that were true for me. The books on suicide and thinking/reading about suicide formed a base or hard "floor" for my thoughts and feelings. You know that bottomless pit? The books took care of that for the moment, stopped the potential for falling. Another thing, looking back at my own history; whenever I'd needed "help" before, I hadn't had the words to express myself and, indeed, hadn't had the words/known how to ask for help so had called suicide prevention/help center lines and they'd "told" me what to do next, where/how to get help. It gave me somewhere to start and "legitimacy" to my feelings to call a therapy center and say, "I called the suicide line and they told me to call you". So, I learned a bit about myself, about my not having "words" yet and, indeed, that became a huge focus for the next 9 years of therapy :-)

I went along with my Unconscious's :-) program in the library that day and I'm glad I did. I think I've always had a good tolerance for myself and my "quirks" and I know I'm a very curious and creative person so when a "flag" went up with the I'm saved/let's read about suicide paradox, I relaxed, got out of my own way, and trusted Myself enough to know Myself was working in My own interest, so Me went along with the "program" :-) Maybe just accepting the thoughts, that they're doing something positive "for" you in some way you don't understand (yet :-) AS, will help? I applaud your thinking/talking about the issue, trying to figure out what's going on with yourself.

[AlteredState01]

Stunningly put, Perna! I truly mean that!



I love it when I read something that strikes such a strong cord within.

Of course, "the floor!" What a great metaphor! If I can really "see" the bottom, then maybe I can start looking (and even reaching a little) for the top!