Honesty.

I say things spur of the moment and yesterday I said something to my therapist via text, or I asked a question. The answer I got made me feel like ****, and I wanted to cry. However, I think that maybe I needed that. Maybe I needed someone to push my buttons..get under my skin and hit me with reality. At the moment I felt bad, but now I feel like I'm okay. Knowing the stuff I say is "in my head" makes me feel better because if that's the case and it's all made up, I'm okay. I can cope better knowing it's not real. I love (and that is probably exaggerating) the fact that she hurt me. It makes it easier to distance myself.

Thinking of you

Im curious what she told you that both hurt you and made you feel better. (None of my business, I'm just curious.)

I reckon it would all make more sense if I had been more specific.
I had asked if she believed the things I told her, or if maybe she thinks I exaggerate, and to that she replied that she thinks what I say is real to me. I was hurt because it went along with my thinking she doesn't believe me, and it also hurt because it's possibly the truth. Maybe it's all in my head and I just wallow in my own pity that's why I feel bad a lot of the time. She said she didn't mean it hatefully, and went more into what she meant. So like i said in the main post I told her that I thought I needed to hear it. Knowing that it's all in my head assures me that I'm okay. I told her it hurt my feelings, but I could cope better knowing it's not "real", and I told her I loved that she hurt me. Because now I can distance myself more easily.

What she said hurt me, and I wanted her to hate me anyways so I didn't have to go back. I also wanted someone to be honest, and whether or not she meant it how I interpreted it (which she says she didn't), it's what I wanted to hear. I don't want to need to have her around, or I'm afraid to have her around because in the end it will end, and as I have said in other posts she will fall off the edge of the earth with every one else sooner or later.

hi Nicole

Sometimes a therapist can say something that really does hurt. But it has a good side in making us confront something we really need to deal with. So that having done that our lives and health become much better. I'm really glad you are feeling better about that now. Take care. I hope and pray you have a really great weekend. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

I think what she probably meant was this: Depression distorts your thinking and perceptions really badly. If you're telling her about things that happened when she wasn't there, she can't know if they really happened that way or not, she can only know it felt that way to you.

If she's a good therapist, you're not going to succeed in driving her away. She's not your friend, by which I mean she's not going to dump you because of anything you do.

But she did. 😒

I think that a therapist shouldn't be a friend... I guess in the sense that in order for her to do her job she must remain objective. once bias kicks in she won't be a help.

maybe Tauren is right about reality, it's different for each of us and very controlled by what we feel. we all have our world in our brains and we just share this physical one and try to just deal with each other's realities. it's true, it's gonna end one day we are human and not meant to be here forever. but we should hold on and keep going on the chance that maybe one day for one minute it will be ok... even if u feel numb or indifferent just let it hang in that action of 'keep on going' even for its own sake, without thinking about "why". I don't know. rambles .

but, it's ok to feel what u are feeling, no one will truly understand how depression feels like to us, in our brain, every minute, word, thought. maybe she asked in order to navigate you to a direction that can lead to an epiphany or clarity or something & thought it would help

more importantly, how come ou don't want to go back?

I'm not sure exactly where I come down on this. U said u were honest with her...so no game playing. The brain is an organ like say your liver. Subject to diseases, disorders. To say it's all in your head would be like saying a liver disorder is all in your liver. So adjust your reality accordingly. If you feel a certain way cuz you have a brain disorder like depression, that is your reality. To dismiss it as unimportant 'because it's in your head' is ridiculous. Reality isn't an objective list of behaviors. If it were, we could just get the list check what to feel & do when X happens.