[LadyDestructo]

I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to about this.

After suffering from several years of unemployment and underemployment during the recession, I was offered an amazing job opportunity out of state. My husband and I discussed it, and left the city we loved (only and hour and a half from where we both grew up) - including our families and most of our friends - and moved across the country. It was a culture shock, but we made new friends and tried to go out often. During this time, my husband decided to finish school without working, since I could financially support us in my new position. This was his third attempt at a degree, after dropping out twice in the previous 7 years from two different universities (both times he tried to hide from me, and I found out on my own). He started to complete his online program with my constant encouragement and check-ins (we went to see a therapist after the second drop-out, so we had a plan for how to be successful with our communication in this regard). I feel like this was the beginning of the problem.

He clearly missed his old work as a restaurant manager, but was intent on finishing his degree and becoming a librarian. He hated our new home in the Deep South, and complained a lot. I didn't blame him - I hated it, too. After two years, I was finally able to find work in a part of the country more suited to our personalities and lifestyle. It was still 1500 miles from our hometown, but I was immediately happier. I thought he was, too. However, my husband's depression just kept getting worse. I thought he was doing schoolwork, but I found out that he had taken a "break" without telling me. I was devastated, thinking he had dropped out yet again - putting him deeper and deeper into depression and significantly straining our finances. He said he missed his old job, so I encouraged him to just finish his last semester and go back to what he loved doing. That seemed to help for a little while, and he was looking at jobs and talking about what he wanted to do. Then he stopped, and hasn't started looking again since. A few weeks ago he told me he wanted to leave me and move back in with his mom back in our hometown, but he "didn't want to upset me" and that he "just hated it" in our new city. He's made no efforts to make friends, and even HAS a VERY close old friend in the city here! But he never wants to go out to see him. He just sits in our house alone all day, watching TV or playing video games. He's lost the motivation to do anything.

I got information through my EAP to get him free counseling, but the therapist was ineffective, and he said the sessions just made him feel worse. We're starting to feel a bit of a financial pinch now, since this new city has a higher cost of living than our old one, but he doesn't seem to have a plan to start working. He says his last school semester starts next month, and I have no choice to believe him, but I really have a lot of trust issues in this regard. He doesn't like talking about any of this with me.

My worries are starting to turn to panic. I have no idea how to help him, and I feel like our marriage is falling apart. We have some good days, but mostly he's dragging me down with him. We stay at home a lot, not talking, just watching TV of playing on our phones. He almost never goes to bed when I do, and either sleeps in when I'm up in the morning, or I find him in the morning sleeping on the couch. I've completely lost control of myself - I suffered two family deaths in the past 2 months and have had no one to talk to about it. I've gained over 40 pounds since we've moved to this city in May. All we do is sit on the couch and eat fast food, so it's not surprising. I'm usually a very active and athletic person, so this is exceptionally troubling for me. Again, my husband doesn't ever talk with me about these things.

I feel so alone, but I also feel like I'm not allowed to need anything because he's the depressed one. I don't want to complain and make things worse. Can anyone help me? I love him so much, and when he's not sick he's the absolutely light of my life. I still see him that way now, even though he isn't himself.

Hi Lady D. I'm glad that you found your way to the Psych Central forums. This site is a good place to discuss things that you might not have another place to talk about.

Your love for your husband comes through in what you write. I have never been married, so I am going to wait to see what advice other people have.

My heart goes out to you. I can tell that you're hurting a lot, but you don't sound like you've given up hope, which is really good.

Hugs.

[vital]

Originally Posted by LadyDestructo

I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to about this.

After suffering from several years of unemployment and underemployment during the recession, I was offered an amazing job opportunity out of state. My husband and I discussed it, and left the city we loved (only and hour and a half from where we both grew up) - including our families and most of our friends - and moved across the country. It was a culture shock, but we made new friends and tried to go out often. During this time, my husband decided to finish school without working, since I could financially support us in my new position. This was his third attempt at a degree, after dropping out twice in the previous 7 years from two different universities (both times he tried to hide from me, and I found out on my own). He started to complete his online program with my constant encouragement and check-ins (we went to see a therapist after the second drop-out, so we had a plan for how to be successful with our communication in this regard). I feel like this was the beginning of the problem.

He clearly missed his old work as a restaurant manager, but was intent on finishing his degree and becoming a librarian. He hated our new home in the Deep South, and complained a lot. I didn't blame him - I hated it, too. After two years, I was finally able to find work in a part of the country more suited to our personalities and lifestyle. It was still 1500 miles from our hometown, but I was immediately happier. I thought he was, too. However, my husband's depression just kept getting worse. I thought he was doing schoolwork, but I found out that he had taken a "break" without telling me. I was devastated, thinking he had dropped out yet again - putting him deeper and deeper into depression and significantly straining our finances. He said he missed his old job, so I encouraged him to just finish his last semester and go back to what he loved doing. That seemed to help for a little while, and he was looking at jobs and talking about what he wanted to do. Then he stopped, and hasn't started looking again since. A few weeks ago he told me he wanted to leave me and move back in with his mom back in our hometown, but he "didn't want to upset me" and that he "just hated it" in our new city. He's made no efforts to make friends, and even HAS a VERY close old friend in the city here! But he never wants to go out to see him. He just sits in our house alone all day, watching TV or playing video games. He's lost the motivation to do anything.

I got information through my EAP to get him free counseling, but the therapist was ineffective, and he said the sessions just made him feel worse. We're starting to feel a bit of a financial pinch now, since this new city has a higher cost of living than our old one, but he doesn't seem to have a plan to start working. He says his last school semester starts next month, and I have no choice to believe him, but I really have a lot of trust issues in this regard. He doesn't like talking about any of this with me.

My worries are starting to turn to panic. I have no idea how to help him, and I feel like our marriage is falling apart. We have some good days, but mostly he's dragging me down with him. We stay at home a lot, not talking, just watching TV of playing on our phones. He almost never goes to bed when I do, and either sleeps in when I'm up in the morning, or I find him in the morning sleeping on the couch. I've completely lost control of myself - I suffered two family deaths in the past 2 months and have had no one to talk to about it. I've gained over 40 pounds since we've moved to this city in May. All we do is sit on the couch and eat fast food, so it's not surprising. I'm usually a very active and athletic person, so this is exceptionally troubling for me. Again, my husband doesn't ever talk with me about these things.

I feel so alone, but I also feel like I'm not allowed to need anything because he's the depressed one. I don't want to complain and make things worse. Can anyone help me? I love him so much, and when he's not sick he's the absolutely light of my life. I still see him that way now, even though he isn't himself.

Hi Lady,

That's a sad story. It's hard to help someone if they don't really want it and from the sound of your hubby, I'm not totally sure he does.

A plan does occur to me, though. The things that I personally like to recommend to do for depression are all either safe or just super healthy for you anyway. The plan is for YOU to do these things (I'm also worried about gaining 40 lbs and eating fast food. That stuff is really bad for you!). You start to do all this stuff and enthuse about it to hubby, especially if it's working. You would then be getting healthy and more un-depressed and, at the same time, be an example for hubby.

Here is a recent blog about physical things you can do:

6 Strategies to Eliminate Depression - Dr. Mark Hyman

I also you might suggest that hubby reads these notes:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

They might sound slightly crazy to you if you're not depressed, but depressed people often recognize that the notes do describe exactly what's going on with them.

- vital

[LadyDestructo]

My God, those snap notes are EXACTLY right! Last night we had a big talk for the first time in months. I expressed my frustration with my husband that I feel like he hasn't made a decision in months, maybe even years. I have been pushing back my feelings of anger and disappointment for fear of worsening his depression, but this spoke to me so much! Thank you, Vital! This was amazing.

During our talk, we tried to talk through some tough topics. We hit back on his wanting to separate, and when I asked what he thought he could do back at home that he couldn't do here (get a job, make a fresh start for himself, etc.) he said that if he left me and moved back home "he'd HAVE to do it because he couldn't make a living otherwise". I felt sort of crappy when he said that. He said a lot of things like that, things that suggested how little he cares about my feelings in all this, but I know that is the depression talking and not him. He said he thought he was depressed because I wasn't good enough in bed, but then also admitted that he hadn't tried to initiate any intimacy with me in months (I have initiated everything to keep our love life existent). He just kept expressing disappointment and dissatisfaction with things I've tried to do to improve our life together, but offered no constructive feedback or offers for him to become more actively engaged. He wants to see a couple's therapist, which I am enthusiastically on board with, so hopefully that will start a positive chain reaction.

Am I selfish for feeling hurt and betrayed by all of this? I just feel like I've done everything I can to help him get out of this depression, and his biggest solution so far is to leave me behind. The sheer fact that he could even conceive of a life apart has completely shattered my heart and my self-confidence as a partner.

Okay, I know I said last night that I wasn't going to offer advice because I have never been married, but I have been in a long-ish relationship with a guy with problems with depression, and a lot of what you've said in this above post was recognizable to me.

Am I selfish for feeling hurt and betrayed by all of this? I just feel like I've done everything I can to help him get out of this depression, and his biggest solution so far is to leave me behind. The sheer fact that he could even conceive of a life apart has completely shattered my heart and my self-confidence as a partner.

No, absolutely not! Even without the part about thinking about leaving, he has done and said several extremely hurtful things to you.

I imagine you know already that our emotions don't operate by logic. If someone hurts us deeply, sure, the more evolved part of our brain can see why there may be extenuating circumstances. That doesn't change the fact that we have been emotionally wounded. I think it's important to acknowledge this and to be gentle with yourself. Don't focus on the big, distracting thing (your husband's depression and his actions and lack of them) to the point of not practicing self-care.

I'm very glad to hear that your husband wants to see a couple's therapist. That is a very positive step. If he will be involved in helping to choose the therapist, that will be great. I'm going to suggest a male therapist. (I'm hoping that other posters will offer advice about whether they think this matters or not.)

He said a lot of things like that, things that suggested how little he cares about my feelings in all this, but I know that is the depression talking and not him.

I have to say that I'm starting to wonder about that a little the more of your story I hear. I wonder if there may not be some other mental health issue going on with your husband in addition to the depression. People can be very depressed and still manage not to be cruel.

He said he thought he was depressed because I wasn't good enough in bed,

What??? I had to re-read this three times. My mind was trying to make it say "depressed because he felt HE wasn't good enough in bed."

I'm thinking this is not typical. I'd like to hear what other forum members think. My personal experience is that if a depressed male partner even wants to have sex, that it will pretty much always be a positive experience, and if it isn't, the guy will blame himself and not the woman.

I found myself trying to think of some explanation for what your husband could mean by what he said. All I could come up with were bizarre fictional scenarios, like you're the graduate of a four-year course in "How to Be a Cosmo Girl and One of Those Tantric Sex Goddesses, Too" and he's disappointed that you graduated with only a B+ average.

Seriously, though, I've had one boyfriend who had a major problem with depression and I've struggled myself with depression off and on for years, and my personal opinion is that having sex with a depressed person can often be difficult. The type of complaint I'd expect to hear is more along the lines of "I don't feel like we're as close as we used to be" or "I feel guilty for being depressed and feel like it makes me less desirable."

I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me" in what your husband has said, and it concerns me. That's what's making me question whether it's just depression going on with him or depression plus something else.

Any history of substance abuse with him? (You absolutely don't have to answer that.) If there is, even if it's in the past, it would explain some of his behavior. At least, in the glimpse of your problems that you've given us, I don't see as much guilt on his part as I'd expect. There's more blaming.

In any case, I'm so very glad that the two of you are planning to see a couple's counselor.

As far as feeling shattered, in this case I would ask you to try to put your hurt on hold until you can find out more about what your husband has to say about this and what he's thinking. Depression can twist thinking and cause a person to have great trouble making rational choices.

I am wanting to suggest something for you for self-care. An internet search for the term will turn up lots of suggestions. Some of them are everyday things that we may need reminding are important when we're upset, like eating healthy foods and getting enough sleep.

I think focus is a big part of it. Being able to pull your focus away from your marital problems and center yourself and be kind and compassionate to yourself is a big part of it.

[vital]

Originally Posted by LadyDestructo

My God, those snap notes are EXACTLY right! Last night we had a big talk for the first time in months. I expressed my frustration with my husband that I feel like he hasn't made a decision in months, maybe even years. I have been pushing back my feelings of anger and disappointment for fear of worsening his depression, but this spoke to me so much! Thank you, Vital! This was amazing.

You're so welcome LadyDestructo. I do believe that those notes are the real stuff. I'm glad they helped. It sounds like you had a really good talk.

I'm sure it's super stressful and hurtful and horrible for you to have to go through this with someone you need to be able to rely on. The fact that he wants to go to couples therapy has got to be a good sign. As difficult it is, it sounds like you should hang on and see how things go in therapy and see if your hubby is able to take some other positive steps.

- vital

[francisR]

hi LadyDestructo

I am sorry you have this problem with your husband. Hopefully a couples therapist will help your relationship and as has been said, choosing a male one might be best. as he might relate better to him. Also, getting him to see a therapist to get the skills to manage his depression and the Dr. to get a really good medication would be helpful. I really hope and pray all of this does improve for you in the future. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis