Having a low point

Hello all. I hope you're all doing well. I'm currently having a low point and I don't have anyone to talk to.

I cut out all of my toxic friends and I have 3 good friends. But only one of them actually takes the time to listen to me when I'm feeling down.

This past week was rough. Everyone just came and unloaded their problems on me and just left. They knew I was feeling bad and they didn't even ask, "Do you want to talk about it?" One friend even ignored me for a couple of days...

It's like I'm stuck in this endless cycle and I'm trying to get out of it but it's hard. I need to expand my social circle but it's so scary putting yourself out there.

At home, my grandmother drives me up a wall. She doesn't know I'm gay and she's very homophobic, so I live in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about the day when she finds out. My mom and I thinks she'll most likely get physically violent if she ever finds out.

I'm in my early 20s and I should be having the time of my life. Instead I'm just in my room, being restless and writing in my journal and feeling so lonely that it hurts.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this or what the point is. I just feel very alone.

Hey starryprince, sometimes "friends" cannot see past their own nose, meaning they are just trying to sort out their own head and not looking at the person in front of them who may need more help than they do. I am glad that you have one good friend. Do you talk to your mom about how you are feeling. Are you on meds at the moment? I am sorry to say there are homophobic people out there, sadly that is a fact of life.. Why would your grandmother get violent with you? You have done nothing wrong. I just want to say that there are lots of great caring people on PC, who give their time to help others try and make sence of their lives. I guess your grandmother is not the kind of person that you can sit down and have a rational conversation with.. Best wishes.. I am sorry that I have no words of wisdom.. Just keep your chin up, things change all the time. You wont always feel this bad..Best wishes

La Hi Starryprince,
Thanks a lot for sharing. In some way, I am at the same point. I am getting rid of some friends that are toxic for me (at least at the present moment) and sometimes it is hard for me to find people who really listen and comprehend what I need to say among my remaining friends. I am not a homosexual person but I have a disability and a more or less recent diagnose of depression and anxiety. I think these attributes make my life radically unique.
One one hand I think that for people living radically unique experiences it is difficult to find other people that understand well their worries, concerns, feelings, etc. To me, it is important to have some friends in the disability community and be here at PC where I can post and read postings by people with mental health conditions. I find more understanding and better advice among peers than among people that are not going through radical experiences like mine. Of course, I do not want to live in a ghetto so I relate to other people, as well. Sometimes to me it is hard to balance the relationships and not get annoyed when an "outsider" ( a friend that does not have a disability or depression) gives me an unwanted advice or tell me hurtful stuff unintentionally.
On the other hand, I have doubts about getting rid of friends that are toxic to me for the moment. I know depression makes us see things with dark lenses. Sometimes I get very irritable and some people really hurts. But then feeling alone hurts, as well. It is a delicate balance and, on top of that, I would not like to hurt them by refusing their friendship, although sometimes the healthiest thing to do is cut out.

Anyway, for you perhaps it would be good to find some peers going through similar experiences. You may find a better quality understanding among them. Also, be aware that if you are under depression you could get easily irritated or hurt by people, you may have to take your time to consider each friendship so you do not get lonely, perhaps.
I am really, really sorry because of your grandma. You have the right to be yourself plenty and you should not have to be putting up with her phobia. It is sickening and it is unfair for you. Would you consider take the lead in this case? She is in control right now. Perhaps if you can take the lead and solve the problem with your grandma once for all you will feel much better.
Ok , sorry for the long post. I am sending you a hug

Sorry for such a late reply! I have now started to feel better!

Thanks so much for your reply! You're right: when you live through unique experiences, it is very difficult to find people who can relate to you. They are out there, but it is very hard to spot them. I have what I like to call "angry depression", and it makes my fuse very short. However, these friends have been toxic for the past 2 years now. I give people a lot of chances, which I have come to learn is not a good thing. But I do agree with you. Sometimes our depression makes us see what we think is there, not what is actually there. I try to remind myself of that all the time when my good friends make a mistake and I immediately start to berate myself with thoughts such as, "They did that because they do not like you" and so on.

I like your advice. I think I would really benefit from being around other friends who can relate to me and who are on the same page, but also people who want to get better like I do. A main source of the loneliness is having no one who understands (or wants to try to understand) where I am coming from, and who I am as a person.

And thanks a lot! Unfortunately, my grandmother is very difficult to talk to. It's like talking to a wall. There is also a lot of conflicting emotions on my part. I feel bad for being angry at her, but then I remember that there are some things she has done that is unforgivable. =/

And no need to apologize for the long response. I love long responses.

Thanks so much for the encouragement! It is very much appreciated! That is exactly the problem with my friends. They are all going through their own problems and they are inconsiderate because of that. I talk to my mom a lot. She's my rock, to be honest. And yes, I am on medication! It has helped me a lot but there are still times when I get very down and I just fall into the pits of my depression. Oh, she may most likely get violent because she'll be angry that I'm gay. She is not rational at all. She loves to play devil's advocate and it just makes me feel like an idiot. And please don't apologize. Your words helped a lot.

Hi Starryprince, I've scared off my friends, they couldn't deal with my depression, a true friend wouldn't do that. It can be so lonely at times and I've become a bit reclusive because of it.
The friends used to tell me their problems and wouldn't ask me if it was OK to burden me. I just felt I had to listen when really I just wanted to scream at them to shut up!
My doctor keeps telling me to meet new people but, I find it so difficult to motivate myself and trust new people.

StarryPrince, glad you are here. I too suffer depression. I have friends of 37 and 43 years. They have their own agenda and i can talk but not the way i want to. Coming to PC here you can unload and vent with others going through the same issues. My friends get burnt out or say move on without being in my shoes. I am sure you find it the same. That is why a support group on line is so important. Twice I wanted to delete my acct here for various reasons. But my friends begged me not to leave rather to stay. So i encourage you to stay. Older people are more rigid in their beliefs and you must respect that is the way they were raised. You must find a balance to understanding them. They cannot meet the emotional needs of a different generation than theirs. Try not to be so hard on them. My Dad was 40 years older than myself. I tell you, just join the various groups here, meet and go to the chat room emotional support. People are always there to help you with what you may be going through. And welcome! I wish you success in new friends.

sorry for your struggles starry. You can only be yourself. And if others can not accept you and love you for who you are (agree or disagree with whom you love) then they are missing out.

Best wishes