Nothing left to try

I am so tired of existing through the same day over and over for years now. For 30 years I have tried all the medications and combinations of medications. I have been through years and years of therapy and it was helpful for what it was worth. But I have barely gotten out of bed in the last 4 years. Over a period of about a year, I just stopped functioning. I stopped feeling like a normal person, even a depressed person. Except on rare occasion, I'm not even sad anymore. I live on like auto-pilot. I have no job, no friends, a non relational non talking husband, I don't go anywhere, don't talk to anyone, don't do anything...I really just sleep, sometimes eat and drink, watch tv and do it again tomorrow. I have read quite a bit about anhedonia, which discussed individuals being unable to feel pleasure or positive emotional states but I haven't found any prospects on treatment. Obviously, I have a ton of history and past issues but really all that matters right now is that I cant take living the same day anymore. For what its worth I used to be a therapist. So yeah, there's that. I am not ignorant about any of the typical treatments and strategies like medication, therapy, diet, exercise, meditation, spirituality... and I still believe all of those can be great. Unfortunately none of them are helpful to me, in the slightest, at this point. If anything, knowing how they used to work for me or how they worked for clients, now, makes me feel even worse. Distractions aren't working either. Its just unbearable. I cant keep existing.

You sound just like me! I can't be normal. Everyone else is normal and I'm shocked. How do they get up everyday? I just want to be a cat. I should just PM you.

Hi nowhere,

I've got something for you to try. It's simple, easy and fun and there are, at least sometimes, dramatic, rapid positive results ( see Freewilled's story for instance http://forums.psychcentral.com/4715237-post156.html ).

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

- vital

I don't have your level of education, but I can relate to pretty much everything else. It sounds as though you've covered all the bases on the mental health aspect of things, but have you looked into possible physical problems that may be contributing to this?
I myself have been considering having things like my thyroid checked, and a cancer screening ( at the advice of an ER Dr. And due to my family history). Years ago when the med thing wasn't working, I had a neurologist who did an MRI to make sure I didn't have any brain abnormalities causing my depression. I only ask this because I understand the struggle and desperation to break free from this. I hope you find relief from this! Best wishes!

nowhere46, hi. I am so, so sorry that you're continuing to battle such severe depression. I can certainly relate to much of your post. Most times I feel like I am living Groundhog Day. The same depression and anxiety, over and over and over. Sure, meds help a little bit and when I take a walk I feel a tiny bit better - for 1/2 an hour. But nothing really changes. I don't dislike myself, I am only very weary of carrying my baggage.

I wish I had some great suggestion for you. All I can say is that it seems that some of us are just naturally depressed, we seem to be cut from that cloth. But I could be wrong...the depression tells me a lot of lies.

Thankyou for the links. The premise of the info was very interesting. I have for quite some time considered my condition in terms of a loss of something like self efficacy for lack of better words. However, its been quite awhile since Ive actually spent time literally thinking or doing any research. The information you provided has given me new "food for thought". This is actually really helpful for someone like me who used to really love research and problem solving... Also, I have actually given the snap idea a try. Honestly, just the idea of it has made me smile several times today because it seems ridiculous. That being said, I have to admit that the practice has evoked a curious feeling when Ive tried it. It was like a childlike declaration of power. Like a toddler exclaiming "look at me" or "I can do it". Its intriguing. Ive had a much different day than the last thousand plus empty hollow miserable days. So I have something new to think about and something new to experiment with. Fantastic! Much thanks!

I had bloodwork done was a few years ago for all the normal culprits. Everything was fine at that time. Since then my insurance has changed twice. I gave the first new gp a try but was extremely disappointed and frustrated with the process. Since the last insurance change a year or so ago, Ive made two appointments (which are like a month or more out) and have cancelled both by the time they came around...
partly because its overwhelming to think of showering, finding clean clothes, driving, waiting, and then trying to express how impaired my functioning is without being written off as "one of those patients" and get through 30 years of history and treatment in a way that will explain why I want certain meds and not others and why I dont want to take three months to titrate onto everything...
And partly because I cant handle having doctors or meds fail again.
Wow, I realize that I sound like a jerk or worse. But Ive been under care and on meds for decades. It gets old having to start over. I just dont have the energy to invest and I obviously have a bad attitude at this point. I guess Id rather just blame myself for not going than have to try to "manage" another doctor just to be frustrated again being told to jump through all his/her hoops for months and months for with no benefit to me.
Ugh that topic is really frustrating and depressing. Sorry.

Oh, and until I see the GP and he/she approves it, I cant see a psychiatrist or psychologist or and doctors thats have more specialized training. So I dont know how that will ever resolve.

You've got it! That smile and the inner power and joy of a child is it!! It IS indeed ridiculous and silly and fun, but it is also sacred and all-important. It represents the whole of your ability to influence your own life, and gaining or losing that means absolutely everything.

If you like it, tell your therapist friends. The professionals have invited me to show it to a second round of patients at the Brigham and Women's hospital in Boston on Monday. I think that this can help a lot of people.

SNAP CLUB

There is something very interesting in the idea described as the unconscious withdrawal from decision making. I think there is more to it, including the concept of "self" itself. That is what I feel like I have lost...a self...I can remember "being" but I can no longer connect to the feeling or action of existing. Its not just depression and being too tired or down etc.. Its like being on a mental paralytic. Im here but not here. Im trapped in my own head all the time. Its hard to explain, but thats probably what makes the mindfulness element of SNAP so fun, if even for a moment. You get a brief second of recognizing your own existence. Its sad in a way to have to admit out loud where Im at, at this point in life, but thanks again anyway. Good luck with your presentation. Best regards.

Aloha Nowhere,

Since your background is in the psychology field, let me get straight to the point. I'm trying to salvage my life by researching treatment for Anhedonia. I've been at it for several years now and am scraping the bottom of the barrel for solutions.

I too have 30-years of treatment for depression as well as every form of therapy without any relief at this point. I will assume you have an Endogneous Depression not related to any circumstance in your life. Right? If so, all current research agrees that the only effective treatment options are medication and ECT.

Since I have tried and failed all the customary medications (& cocktails thereof) including augmentation of T3 and Lithium I'm ready to try an MAOI (Nardil or Parate) I will also be trying nasal Oxytocin in an attempt to experience some kind of emotion.

Although ECT, rTMS and Ketamine did not work for me, I have personally seen Catatonic individuals resume a normal life after receiving a few treatments of ECT.

Although talk therapy does not help my endogenous depression, I am in DBT Intensive Out-Patient counseling at our local hospital which helps me reduce the amount of time my mind spends on Sui plans. It also makes me accountable to get out of the house and go somewhere.

I, like you, have someone in my life who counts on me to be here so I try my best every damn day to find something, anything that might help me feel better. Some days are easier than others but all days are still crappy and I still feel like an un-dead human simply existing on this earth. I just want you to know I DO understand and...I hope you keep trying. As I said, I HAVE seen some miracles happen and I pray someday you & I might find the right key that allows us to participate in life again.

Anhedonia here too. The closest thing to feeling i get is anxiety at the moment.

hi nowhere,
think positive!!!!! im studying to become a counselor in the near future . I too go to counseling and im on meds also . my therapist is an experienced registered nurse w degrees in nursing ,psychology and community agency in counseling . her degrees are a bachelor's of science in nursing , bachelor's of arts degree in psychology and a master's degree in community agency in counseling . she specializes in anxiety, depression , relationships ,adjustments to life changes and promoting strengths for personal growth . don't give up . you can get back into the saddle again w your degree in counseling . people need your help and guidance nowhere .









Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 90mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50+ mgs at night for insomnia