[Linus VanPelt]

A couple of days ago, I was in a really bad place emotionally. My depression was beating the hell outa me and I was lower than low. So, I came in here and started typing a new thread. I layed it all out; my psychological issues, how I got this bad, and how much I needed to get to a better place. I wasn't looking for answers. Just a shoulder or two to cry on. When I was done typing, I read over my sob story, decided that all I was doing was whining, and deleted the entire thing. I didn't want to waste anybody's time by them reading it. That was a mistake. All I did for the rest of that day and the following one was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I didn't look for the support that this site was designed for.
SO, if you find yourself in a bad place, talk to someone. If not here, then a friend, a family member, a therapist, someone that can be sympathetic to your situation. While all of us here are suffering from a psychological condition, we are all still individuals with individual problems and needs. If you can give support to another person, either in here or at home, you should allow yourself to receive that same support. Don't cheat yourself of the help you deserve because you feel that you're bothering others or don't deserve the attention.

[Mountainbard]

That's good advice, Linus. No one should ever feel like they can't post here. Venting or just letting out emotions, that's one of the great things about PC. We should allow ourselves to receive support in addition to giving it. And I agree that we should talk to someone, here and/or in real life, when we're in a bad place. Thank you very much for this post.

[LadyShadow]

I agree! This place is meant just for that. To reach out. Getting it all out is very important to people like us. We all need an ear or shoulder to cry on.

I am sorry you felt the need to delete you post. Next time just post the thread. You would be surprised to see how many people do care.

And by the way welcome to the site!!

[Fuzzybear]

Agree. I have a hard time with that both here and offline because I feel ashamed that I have (what I think are) so many issues, or I don't want to bother people.

[emijec]

wow, that should not have happened. that's terrible that you had to take your lost down. that's what these forums are for. I hope you don't hold back in the future . many people here are terrific with their support . that bad apple should ruin the whole crate. have u also tried depressionforums.org or if you google depression forums, that's a pretty good site too.

[Linus VanPelt]

Thank You everyone for your thanks, hugs, and responses. While this is not a new condition for me, asking for help from my peers is. I'm sure a lot of people here feel (incorrectly) like I do that this isn't so much a real medical condition as it is just a weakness with emotions. It took me a long time to see it otherwise. Sometimes, I stil do and I need to be reminded how real and difficult it actually is. Thank you for all the support you've given me and each other through these rough times.

[guiltier65]

Originally Posted by Linus VanPelt

A couple of days ago, I was in a really bad place emotionally. My depression was beating the hell outa me and I was lower than low. So, I came in here and started typing a new thread. I layed it all out; my psychological issues, how I got this bad, and how much I needed to get to a better place. I wasn't looking for answers. Just a shoulder or two to cry on. When I was done typing, I read over my sob story, decided that all I was doing was whining, and deleted the entire thing. I didn't want to waste anybody's time by them reading it. That was a mistake. All I did for the rest of that day and the following one was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I didn't look for the support that this site was designed for.
SO, if you find yourself in a bad place, talk to someone. If not here, then a friend, a family member, a therapist, someone that can be sympathetic to your situation. While all of us here are suffering from a psychological condition, we are all still individuals with individual problems and needs. If you can give support to another person, either in here or at home, you should allow yourself to receive that same support. Don't cheat yourself of the help you deserve because you feel that you're bothering others or don't deserve the attention.

Thank you Linus. I tend to feel like my issues are just me whining or being pathetic. But I need to vent today. I feel very tired and low. I have started smoking again after almost 8weeks of being smoke free. I'm so tired and its the only thing that wakes me up and helps me function. I'm so tired of feeling like this. so hopeless and discouraged.. My house is a disaster because I am never home or don't have enough energy to clean. It just is so hopeless. I am constantly on the run doing stuff for other people because I am a nurse and help my parents with their groceries and other things. I work 2 jobs and fall asleep if I sit too long. I am starting to binge spend, binge drink, binge smoke and binge eat. I have talked to my therapist about most of this. But I just feel so damn worthless and hopeless today. ah well enough of my whining.

That's why I come here – just to "talk"; I have no one, save my doc, to speak to. No one to call, email, write. I'm beginning to allow my hypergraphia to overcome me again and so it is my journal that takes the brunt of the punishment. Here, I can control it.

I wonder what we mean when we say or think things such as "I cannot live like this any longer," or "I just cannot take this any longer"? Those of us who, for whatever reason, are not suicidal are expressing soulful frustration, I think, but we keep going, somehow. I say those things but I keep going.

Even sixteen years ago, when my depression caused me to become mute, I do not believe that I reached as low a point than I have at this moment. Never.

I do not know what to do.

This is a frightening feeling. I am stuck. I wish that I could pull a Billy Pilgrim and become unstuck in time.

Kurt Vonnegut was born on this date. November 11, 1922, I think. His mother killed herself by swallowing Drano. So it goes. He killed himself with Pall Mall cigarettes. Everyone must go at some time.

It is early in the evening 7:30pm CST. What to do?

Take care, everyone. Take very good care.

[Linus VanPelt]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

Thank you Linus. I tend to feel like my issues are just me whining or being pathetic. But I need to vent today. I feel very tired and low. I have started smoking again after almost 8weeks of being smoke free. I'm so tired and its the only thing that wakes me up and helps me function. I'm so tired of feeling like this. so hopeless and discouraged.. My house is a disaster because I am never home or don't have enough energy to clean. It just is so hopeless. I am constantly on the run doing stuff for other people because I am a nurse and help my parents with their groceries and other things. I work 2 jobs and fall asleep if I sit too long. I am starting to binge spend, binge drink, binge smoke and binge eat. I have talked to my therapist about most of this. But I just feel so damn worthless and hopeless today. ah well enough of my whining.

The biggest thing I see here is that you are definitely not worthless or hopeless. You spend all your time helping others in need of your help. I know for a fact that, if you asked any of them, they will say your indispensable. You don't have enough energy to do your own things because your always doing for others. Now, I'm definitely not saying you need to stop helping. They need you too. But you do need to stop beating yourself up and get a better brighter perspective. Believe me. I know too well how easy it is to beat yourself up and blame yourself for all the world's problems rather than excepting that you are doing your best and that life is never easy. Another problem is, you are physically exhausted but are financially and responsibly unable to take a week or even a day off for yourself. I don't know the answer to this one but, somehow, you need to find time for yourself. Keep strong and know that you are needed and loved.

[guiltier65]

Thank you Linus, I did take off this weekend and went out of town with my husband. But all I heard when I came back was how difficult shopping was without me which left me feeling even guiltier for leaving. I feel so trapped. Also today is Veteran's Day which sucks because it reminds me of my time in the army when I was raped by a superior. No charges were ever filed because it basically was labelled as acquaintance rape before that term existed. I am reminded once again on this day, that though I served; all I have to show for it is a messed up psyche and a lot of residual anger and heartbreak. I feel so lost today. my chest hurts and it's hard to breathe. Thanks for listening to my pathetic saga.

[Linus VanPelt]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

That's why I come here – just to "talk"; I have no one, save my doc, to speak to. No one to call, email, write. I'm beginning to allow my hypergraphia to overcome me again and so it is my journal that takes the brunt of the punishment. Here, I can control it.

I wonder what we mean when we say or think things such as "I cannot live like this any longer," or "I just cannot take this any longer"? Those of us who, for whatever reason, are not suicidal are expressing soulful frustration, I think, but we keep going, somehow. I say those things but I keep going.

Even sixteen years ago, when my depression caused me to become mute, I do not believe that I reached as low a point than I have at this moment. Never.

I do not know what to do.

This is a frightening feeling. I am stuck. I wish that I could pull a Billy Pilgrim and become unstuck in time.

Kurt Vonnegut was born on this date. November 11, 1922, I think. His mother killed herself by swallowing Drano. So it goes. He killed himself with Pall Mall cigarettes. Everyone must go at some time.

It is early in the evening 7:30pm CST. What to do?

Take care, everyone. Take very good care.

What you need to do is what we all keep doing. We keep going, have each other's backs, and forge on through the unknown. I have family and friends who want to support me but, thankfully, they don't understand what I'm going through. My psychiatrist and therapist try to help me but, while well educated, they don't have the illness so how can they understand? The only one that might have understood was my father-in-law but he "checked out" a few years ago. I saw what that did to his family. It's funny. People say it's the coward's way out but I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to do that. At the same time, I know it's also not the answer. You don't send your car to the junk yard for a flat tire and you don't write off a friend because they missed your birthday. So why do something to yourself because the answer to your problems isn't easy? When we say we can't keep going or doing this, we're speaking out of frustration and because the answer to our problems isn't easily obtainable. But we can't give up. We just have to dig deeper and find the strength to keep fighting. Take very good care of yourself too. You are important.

[Linus VanPelt]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

Thank you Linus, I did take off this weekend and went out of town with my husband. But all I heard when I came back was how difficult shopping was without me which left me feeling even guiltier for leaving. I feel so trapped. Also today is Veteran's Day which sucks because it reminds me of my time in the army when I was raped by a superior. No charges were ever filed because it basically was labelled as acquaintance rape before that term existed. I am reminded once again on this day, that though I served; all I have to show for it is a messed up psyche and a lot of residual anger and heartbreak. I feel so lost today. my chest hurts and it's hard to breathe. Thanks for listening to my pathetic saga.

This is not a pathetic saga! This is your life and it is important! The military, while needed and appreciated, can be very abrasive and cold to the feelings of it's ranks. What was done to you was awful and it's disgusting that it was swept under the rug so easily. But, that can't be your only memory of your time in the army. Look for all the bright moments and they will cast out the dark ones. And so far as your parents giving you a hard time about going away for one weekend, remind them that they don't need to worry about grocery shopping if they're in a retirement home. 😉 Believe me, I know. I took care of my mother-in-law after she fell and couldn't take care of herself anymore. Every once in a while, she forgot that I'm an individual with my own needs and not a robot there to serve her. I'd have to reminder her that she could get around the clock attention if she were in a nursing home. That would help for a little while. I'm not saying to do the same thing as I don't know your parents but they need to be reminded that you are there for them out of love and not out of responsibility.

[guiltier65]

I don't know about talking because it just stirs up all of the gunk that I have not so successfully buried. Today just plain hurts. I like to hope that my parents were trying to make me feel needed. Little do they know that I feel overly needed and used and trapped.

[Linus VanPelt]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I don't know about talking because it just stirs up all of the gunk that I have not so successfully buried. Today just plain hurts. I like to hope that my parents were trying to make me feel needed. Little do they know that I feel overly needed and used and trapped.

I definitely know how you feel. About ten years ago, I had to leave my job due to physical and psychological conditions. probably two years later, I was put on social security disability. For a long time, all I did was sit around the house doing nothing. This really didn't help my socio-agoraphobia. I wouldn't even walk down to the mail box. My wife did everything for me because she thought that would make things easier for me. It only put me further into the hole I had dug for myself.
Anyways, five years ago, my mother-in-law (who was a major *****) fell in her kitchen and banged her head off the dishwasher. Long story short, she was finally released from the hospital but now had the mentality of a sweet early teenage girl. Also, while she was in the hospital, she lost her left leg do to an infection and poor circulation. My wife and I moved into her mother's house and, for four years, I took total care of her 24/7. At times, she would get bratty and feel like I was her servant who was to run to her side whenever she wanted a cookie. A lot of times I would get frustrated with her attitude and we would get into a yelling match but, most of the time, we were friends. A year ago, just before her 69th birthday, her heart stopped during hemodialysis. The hospital called me but we didn't get there in time. When she died, she took away my mother-in-law, my friend, and my way of life. I was so lost for the longest time. Still am at times.
But, the point is, we had to work together to form a relationship that met both of our needs. I understood that she needed around the clock attention and she had to understand that I had my own life I needed to attend to as well as her's. She had to learn a level of respect that she had previously never given to anyone. Because we both worked to meet the other's needs, we went from two people that couldn't stand each other to being very close friends. Talking, not yelling or guilt tripping, accomplishes a lot.

[*Laurie*]

Linus

[LittleEarthquakes]

Don't know what to say. Pointless. Shaky hands, uncomfortable feelings in my stomach. Food, please no. Unemployed, unmotivated, anxious. Angry, self-indulgent, and terribly avoidant.

I made myself soup though.

[Maggeo]

Originally Posted by Linus VanPelt

A couple of days ago, I was in a really bad place emotionally. My depression was beating the hell outa me and I was lower than low. So, I came in here and started typing a new thread. I layed it all out; my psychological issues, how I got this bad, and how much I needed to get to a better place. I wasn't looking for answers. Just a shoulder or two to cry on. When I was done typing, I read over my sob story, decided that all I was doing was whining, and deleted the entire thing. I didn't want to waste anybody's time by them reading it. That was a mistake. All I did for the rest of that day and the following one was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I didn't look for the support that this site was designed for.
SO, if you find yourself in a bad place, talk to someone. If not here, then a friend, a family member, a therapist, someone that can be sympathetic to your situation. While all of us here are suffering from a psychological condition, we are all still individuals with individual problems and needs. If you can give support to another person, either in here or at home, you should allow yourself to receive that same support. Don't cheat yourself of the help you deserve because you feel that you're bothering others or don't deserve the attention.

I'm glad you posted this. When we suffer from depression, self-care is difficult to do. Not wanting to waste people's time about what I am feeling or going through is something I can very much relate to, but there is also a guilt, shame for my condition that prevents me from wanting to talk about it. But something that I am learning as I learn more about the neurobiology of depression is that depression isn't my fault. Depression is a disease. Talking about it here is going to be beneficial to us both, I can see. Best wishes.

[guiltier65]

Originally Posted by Linus VanPelt

I definitely know how you feel. About ten years ago, I had to leave my job due to physical and psychological conditions. probably two years later, I was put on social security disability. For a long time, all I did was sit around the house doing nothing. This really didn't help my socio-agoraphobia. I wouldn't even walk down to the mail box. My wife did everything for me because she thought that would make things easier for me. It only put me further into the hole I had dug for myself.
Anyways, five years ago, my mother-in-law (who was a major *****) fell in her kitchen and banged her head off the dishwasher. Long story short, she was finally released from the hospital but now had the mentality of a sweet early teenage girl. Also, while she was in the hospital, she lost her left leg do to an infection and poor circulation. My wife and I moved into her mother's house and, for four years, I took total care of her 24/7. At times, she would get bratty and feel like I was her servant who was to run to her side whenever she wanted a cookie. A lot of times I would get frustrated with her attitude and we would get into a yelling match but, most of the time, we were friends. A year ago, just before her 69th birthday, her heart stopped during hemodialysis. The hospital called me but we didn't get there in time. When she died, she took away my mother-in-law, my friend, and my way of life. I was so lost for the longest time. Still am at times.
But, the point is, we had to work together to form a relationship that met both of our needs. I understood that she needed around the clock attention and she had to understand that I had my own life I needed to attend to as well as her's. She had to learn a level of respect that she had previously never given to anyone. Because we both worked to meet the other's needs, we went from two people that couldn't stand each other to being very close friends. Talking, not yelling or guilt tripping, accomplishes a lot.

I'm so sorry for your loss and amazed at the change in the relationship when 2 people truly care about the other's needs. I hope that this can become the norm in the relationships in my life. I tend to be ruled by guilt and a perceived sense of obligation. M y goal is that I get to the point that I truly enjoy my parents again and quit waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Originally Posted by Linus VanPelt

What you need to do is what we all keep doing. We keep going, have each other's backs, and forge on through the unknown. I have family and friends who want to support me but, thankfully, they don't understand what I'm going through. My psychiatrist and therapist try to help me but, while well educated, they don't have the illness so how can they understand? The only one that might have understood was my father-in-law but he "checked out" a few years ago. I saw what that did to his family. It's funny. People say it's the coward's way out but I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to do that. At the same time, I know it's also not the answer. You don't send your car to the junk yard for a flat tire and you don't write off a friend because they missed your birthday. So why do something to yourself because the answer to your problems isn't easy? When we say we can't keep going or doing this, we're speaking out of frustration and because the answer to our problems isn't easily obtainable. But we can't give up. We just have to dig deeper and find the strength to keep fighting. Take very good care of yourself too. You are important.

I have come to the conclusion that my doc is right - that I may be more bipolar right now than my current diagnosis of severe MDD.

I am having infrequent hypomanic episodes. I wrote a 256-page letter to an old girlfriend and felt elation while writing, but in early November, I found that she had remarried and moved out of state and none of her old friends knew her address.

The next day I woke with an erection and a feeling that my libido had been partially restored. And I'm still in that state. I 'lost' my libido and became impotent in 1999. 16 years later and I'm in a state that MANY with a particular bipolar disorder who have hypomanic, rather than manic, fluxes describe. Today I'm happy. But I know that this won't last. I just suddenly realized that he's right - that I've been going through ups and downs, but only since I began taking Effexor - and that I am bipolar. I'll see him next week. We'll talk. I'll see what happens.

I've never really been suicidal - too many family members lost that way. But I don't believe that there's an answer at all to my mental problems. The drugs help. I'm in an email exchange with two very, very close old friends. But I haven't slept in about 70 hours now.

This will pass and I'll turn into a shadow again. And I'll just take it.

My brain just never stops when I get in these mood swings. My doc also thinks that I may have Adult ADHD. Not treatable with meds because of my heart conditions.

It's a roller coaster. And the anticipation is killing me.

Originally Posted by LittleEarthquakes

Don't know what to say. Pointless. Shaky hands, uncomfortable feelings in my stomach. Food, please no. Unemployed, unmotivated, anxious. Angry, self-indulgent, and terribly avoidant.

I made myself soup though.

I get that way... I can go for days living on applesauce. My caregiver finally started buying me Marie Callender (sp?) and Jimmy Dean 'entrées' and they only take about 3-4 minutes to microwave.

And when I manage to heat one up and eat it I feel as if I have accomplished something,

Keep eating soup.

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

I get that way... I can go for days living on applesauce. My caregiver finally started buying me Marie Callender (sp?) and Jimmy Dean 'entrées' and they only take about 3-4 minutes to microwave.

And when I manage to heat one up and eat it I feel as if I have accomplished something,

Keep eating soup.

Thank you.