i'm so low i don't even know how/if i can build myself back up.

it's like taking a hammer to my self-esteem and smashing it to pieces, and then continuing to smash it long after the pieces are ground to dust. i don't know why these feelings come up suddenly out of the blue. i've always hated myself, but sometimes i just get hit by this intense wave of self-loathing, in which i want to do away with myself and i don't know how i'm supposed to get through these 'waves' anymore. they're unpredictable, they leave me drained and depressed, and while they're happening they overwhelm my thoughts and emotions completely, like they become the only thing that exists. i get embarrassed of myself for no clear reason, but the feelings of shame are very real, and they make me not want to see anybody. i feel like people can see my failures without even knowing me or having talked to me... like i'm wearing it on a shirt; ugly, stupid, dropout, virgin, cutter, awkward, unemployed, depressed. i feel like i fail at life and i am only 19.

i'm so tired of hating myself, but i feel like i have no reason to love myself.
i've been to many therapists and none of them could help me. i don't have a therapist right now, and i don't plan on seeing one. i'll only get told the same things that never work. i'll get told to show 'compassion' to myself, like i am some baby.

all the effort i've put into bettering myself has been negated... i gained back the weight i lost. my skin broke out again. i've been eating carelessly and not showering. i want to die. i hate myself. i'm ugly and fat and no one could ever love me, not myself, not anyone else. i'll never attract a mate, and for a young woman that is pathetic and shameful, absolutely unforgivable. might as well kill myself

all my problems are not real. i'm not depressed, just lazy. i don't have an eating disorder, i'm just a mouth-stuffing fatty who can't restrict for longer than a week until she binges and gains everything back. i don't have anxiety, i'm just a coward who makes excuses to get out of doing things and going places.

i don't think i can live like this much longer. i have nobody helping me - not my parents, not my family, i don't have any friends, no boyfriend... i'm alone. ain't that how it's always been though?...

Hi, Annui. I can relate to what you're saying. I was there when I was a teenager and, even though I'm now 46, I'm still there to most of the extent. I sabotaged every relationship I was ever in (family, friends, girlfriends) because I hated/hate myself and therefore no one could ever love a fat, lazy loser like me. I figured I'd be doing the world a favor if I just "checked out" and quit wasting space. I found someone who would put up with me and, at the end of this month, we will be married for 19 years. Even though she's stuck by me with all my psychological and physical disabilities, I still constantly put her down as being the crazy one and a gluten for punishment. Something has to be wrong with her if she wants to be with me. I constantly tell her she has no self-esteem and that she lowered her standards when she hooked up with me. For some reason, she's still with me.
So, yeah, I know how you feel. But you are wrong about one thing. All of your problems are very much real. You aren't a fat, lazy coward. You have a serious health issue that needs attention. It took me years to realize that psychological health issues are just as real and important as physical ones. Yeah, therapists don't always understand us or oversimplify the problem. So, try a support group. They know what you're going through, have been there themselves, and can help you to understand what's going on. Try NAMI. They have support groups everywhere. There's one not two miles from my house and I never knew it.
Most important thing is don't give up. There are a lot of mistakes we can make that we can ask for forgiveness for or even correct. Death is not one of them. Ok? So, talk to peers that have either strongly considered it or even tried it before you make that decision. Know what you're getting into.

Hello ennui.: I'm so sorry to read of your struggle. I also have harbored a deep hatred of myself for many years. I know some of what has caused it. Yet the roots of it go back to before I have any memory. It is a ball of wire that will never be untangled. (By the way, more than once, I've been to that dark place you are thinking you might as well go to.)

I was struck by your statement regarding showing compassion for yourself, "like I am some baby." I would like to suggest to you that showing compassion for yourself is not babyish. It is one of the most difficult, most profound practices a person can undertake. And it is directly related to the act of showing compassion for others. The two are inseparable. I cannot show compassion for myself unless I can have it for others as well. But I also cannot have compassion for others without allowing it for myself.

Of course, the problem is that therapists throw statements like: have compassion for yourself... out without any real understanding of what they're talking about. It's just a "throw-away line". It absolves them of responsibility. They've told you what to do so, now, if you don't do it... it's your own fault... It degrades a profound act. It is possible to sit with thoughts & feelings of the deepest self-hatred, to accept them, to watch them as they come & go, to breathe into them with lovingkindness, & yet to hold your seat... to accept your demons with compassion. And just by coming to the realization that one can do this, one develops a new perspective with regard to one's self-worth. So I hope that you will take a second look at the concept of having compassion for yourself & consider that it might be the most difficult, the most challenging thing you might ever do... but also a thing of great strength & beauty... something of which you could rightfully be extremely proud. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that it might be so...

Hi ennui, I can relate do much to everything you have said. I love what Skeeyzyk wrote, it is not easy but so true. wishing you peace and sending encouraging thoughts

Ennui - I have begun to take stock of the positivity I have been ignorring in life. I have two adult children. Supportive family. Aquaintances. A home.

Sure I'm not where I want to be but I have HOPE - which is the difference I've said between Depression and feeling better.

I'm not going to say 'have hope' because it doesn't work that way. What I will say though is try to be on the look out for things that may bring that hope to you. I know when we are down we seek only the negative and it is easy to ignore any positive. I'm just asking you to try to be on the look out for even the most subtle opportunities for allowing hope into your life

Ok - first, I want to tell you: you are not alone. Counselors suck for the most part, it is very hard to find one that actually cares enough to listen AND gives good advice. Most of what you said I can relate to quite a lot.


You said:

You hate yourself - I truly cannot count the times I do that, sometimes I think I do that more than I don't (and I am 41)

You are a "fatty" - I am 215 pounds at 5 foot 5 inches and have not been below 175 pounds since I was 25.

You have been told you have no eating disorder - they say my over-eating is caused by my depression and low self esteem issues.

You are a "cutter" - I carved myself up until about 8yrs ago.

You are ugly - I see myself exactly the same way and have ever since I was a teenager.

You are stupid - I think that about myself almost as often as I hate myself.

You are awkward - as much as this sounds cliche, that's something I think we all go through, some for longer periods than others - I went through it til I was about 22

You are a virgin - celebrate that fact, that is nothing to be ashamed of, I wish I had waited longer than I did

Unemployed - I am on disability

Drop out - If you want you can get a GED

Ashamed of yourself - I have many reasons to feel that as well

Nobody to help you through this - I have no real life friends, counselors offer no real help, family has turned their back on me, I am married but he doesn't know what to do either

Never had anyone to help you - nobody would even listen to me for 18yrs when I asked for help they kept telling me I didn't need it


I tell you all this not to try to diminish what you are going through, but rather to let you know - you only have to be alone if that's what you really want. There are a few things I have learned during my lifetime.

- You are always going to feel alone unless you are among like-minded people. (If you want to talk about religion, you need to not be the only one of your religion in a crowded room but rather be in a room full of people in your same religion. If you want to talk politics, you don't want to be the only democrat in a room full of republicans - but rather a democrat in a room full of democrats.) If you are the "odd man out, you will find yourself feeling "alone in a crowded room".

- The only person you can count on to be there for you is you. There is a simple reason for this: the only person's actions or reactions (including feelings and emotions) you can control is your own - the second you start worrying about what others think or do or feel is the second you allow them to take your happiness away (and thus you are being unfair to yourself by giving up a part of control of your life to someone else - nobody should control that except you)

- having compassion for yourself isn't showing weakness, it's showing an inner strength very few possess. How do I know so few possess it? If more had it, they would understand the need and reasons to treat each other with more compassion. Compassion is simply developing an understanding within yourself of what you have done and why you did it and then accepting it without judgement. That takes strength - people naturally judge, so no to ask you to show compassion for yourself, though a tired expression, is not a request for an act of weakness. My suggestion is even if you think your counselor was half-hearted about it or even didn't mean it at all - do it anyway, or learn to do it.

- Maturity doesn't come with age, people will not treat you better just because they are older and should know better.

Now if you want ideas on how to deal with these issues, I can give you a few of those too if you like but on another post-because this one is growing long

I do wish you well and hope this helps you *hugs*

I can relate and I want to say your not alone in your feelings if that helps any. I'm in the same spot right now. I've been trying to distract myself from my mind with coloring, making crafts, listening to music and watching tv. I'm staying away from all the tragic news going on in the world right now, that just brings me down more. I try to tell myself something has to change, I don't always believe it, but life does change all the time. I hope soon you'll feel better.