Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I think it is our right not to accept an offer of help. I did that. I refused to accept help (irl)

Depression is becoming overwhelming anymore. I've been trying not to do anything stupid, but it's been hard. I'm just so tired all the time, I don't have the energy to make anything in my life work. It's just so hard.

I don't want to go back to my apartment. The maniacs there won't leave me alone.

It is not i am trying to protector you, Ennui. It is just i am trying to learn. All this helps me to understand myself, as well.
But also you are an important part of PC to me and I hope you will stay. Folks here are important to me.

In your building?

Yes. They're going to do a new bad thing and I'm scared. They have been torturing me for two months and how can I get my stuff done when they won't leave me alone. It's a horrible situation and I don't know why they're doing this when I need to move out.

ETA: no one believes me, except maybe one of the social workers. That makes it all the worse.

“Naked and alone we came into exile,” wrote the American novelist Thomas Wolfe in his 1929 novel Look Homeward, Angel. “In her dark womb we did not know our mother’s face; from the prison of her flesh we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth … Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone?”

My life seems to be standing still. I am making time for my kids. I am slowly putting my novel together. I am learning how to be in a healthy relationship. Being a mom is the hardest - to slow down, be present, comfort, and help my kids dream - when I am trying to find a spot to land, takes a lot of balls.

I feel like a failure at everything right now. Obviously getting off medications isn't simple. I don't know exactly why I'm doing it except I know my health is worsening from it. What's the trade off though. Maybe extend my life but be completely miserable and irritable and angry? Does that make sense?
I just found something out about more problems in my family, it's something I don't know I can deal with.
I also was researching something here and ran into a post I wrote a long time ago. It sounded like I was a different person. I don't like me when I see what I wrote a long time ago. Almost enough to make me want to delete my account. I just wish I was good at something, mostly at being a mother. That's the most guilt I have, and I feel like I can't deal with the guilt of not being good enough anymore.

As I read through some of your sharings, i feel like we are walking together, or crawling, or just still. I read myself in your words, and I feel understood. How I wish I could lift you, lift myself too, and bring us clean out into a lovely walk way together.

After a few more or less bad days, I think this will be a good one. At least it feels so.

I have failed transcendence.

Had two hospital appointments in the last two days, and finally made it to a lecture again today. I'm knackered. I couldn't sleep properly last night and had a weird episode where I thought I saw a man at the end of my bed, but he disappeared before my eyes. I was a bit scared to get up afterwards but managed eventually.

Lately my vocabulary has been more positive & realistic than anything else. My depression & anxiety problems aren't gone, but they are definitely no longer of major concern. Therapy & medications truly can help!

I was feeling pretty good for the last week. At the end of the day I wasn't feeling so good emotionally. Some things have got me down like not receiving my state income tax refund (I don't know what's taking so long) and I had my blood drawn last Monday and I have not received my results. Very anxious.

I really needed that tax refund for this weekend. And also I need my result to know what to do.

i am sat here eating potato chips.

you know, just another boring depressing day here

I'm OK.

Things are worse than I ever thought possible.

I did it - I made myself cry for about 20 minutes. I can't say I feel better, but at least it's real. The whole experience, the hurt, everything. I hate myself and feel like a failure, but at least I can express it.

Like I'm going down hill without skis.

Bad, horrible day.

Depressing and stressful for the past couple of days