Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

It's been a busy day, but just doing domestic stuff. I had my friend over for about an hour today. It was alright. I felt empty after he left. He and his wife are going out for dinner and a show tonight. I have nothing going on.

Yesterday, I received a good report from a doctor. I was going to have to see him for possible treatment options next Monday, but it turns out that I don't have to go because of a good report.

I am facing financial situations

I've got nothing going on either. Feeling sick much of the time lately.
Will if you read this, glad to hear the report from the doctor came back okay.
I'm just feeling empty right now, like I've got nothing in me. If my son would get home now okay I'd feel better, he's making me worry.

Abused. What I needed was taken from me and no apology or explanation provided!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have spent my whole life trying to be part of something. I had an alcoholic mom, a distant dad, we moved every year, then I was stuck in a house with just my mom, then I got married to someone who wanted me to be at home but didn't want to be too close. Now I am alone and honestly can't think of a way I could try and join a group - there are none left except just being me under god's sky with the rest of the world. I have been trying to avoid standing here for a long time.

For the first time in three years I can say that I've been able to wake up in the morning this whole week not feeling sad or with that cloud of depression over my head.

I actually feel like I am making progress in therapy and applying what I've been learning to my relationships with friends, family, coworkers, etc. It's an amazing feeling -- not being scared to share how I truly am feeling.

There's still a lot I need to do to get to where I want to be in terms of career and family closeness, but somehow I have faith I can get there. Slowly but surely.

A pretty relaxing day for me, so far. Went to church this morning. It seemed like there was not a lot of people there. It was raining very hard this morning and I guess that's why there were not many people. The rains have stopped now and we'll probably not get more rain until later this evening.

My friend was not in church today because he and his wife were attending a family wedding out of town. After lunch I decided to call an old friend of mine from college. But I just got a voice mail. I really wanted to talk to him. Perhaps he will call later, I hope.

Therapy has been ok. I like my psychologist. She is nice. I am trying to say everything I have to say. Which was very hard for me some time ago. But now, it is easier. I am afriad I don't have the corage to put myself out there and get out of my comfort zone in order to achieve my goals. My main goal is to be less unconfortable near people and have more success in social relationships. That is hard. I have been trying to make it on my own for years. I couldn't. I don't now if I can do it now. Because I am to out of this world to have my head filled with words or thoughts I could share. And without anything to share I can't build a relation.

I don't know very well what kind of therapy am I doing. Last week she just said that in the next apoitment we would be making the therapeutic program. I have had three sessions until now, that I think were meant for her to know who I was, and what I wanted to change in my life. I have the next apoitment one month form now, because I want to give them some time appart so I wasn't allways skipping class. I have been in the hospital from 8 am from 3 pm. It's insane, I doesn't give me much time to do something else, and I am sure in the end my effort is not going to show in my grade, because teachers never like me.

I hate being depressed and I hate being sick. The only thing worse than either is both at the same time. Think I'll stay in bed all day.

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Today is cancelled for lack of interest.

*bad idea to post*

My boyfriend, well I don't know what to call him and neither does he, he lost his wife a year ago and doesn't know where he is going but he knows we are good together, he has lots of friends he shares his journey with. I would like to be jealous that he keeps seeking connection to others, that he writes his worries on Facebook and doesn't share them with me, that he says he is falling in love with me and has given me a necklace - like a mistress, a part of his life, maybe temporary maybe longer, but committed to on the side. He is honest with me. How long before he falls for me. Do people always share themselves with the world as well. I like to, especially in writing. I have just gotten divorced and wish with all my heart that my marriage had worked. I share things with friends because I feel more free to express myself, and I know in order to learn I have to keep seeking out answers, new people. I used to have such a rigid logical system, kind of like a zealous religion, to govern my behavior as part of a couple, while my husband flirted with anyone in the age range of a human. I should let go and see what unfolds, it is a brave new world and if I want to be part of it, I have to let go.

Someone's smoking something here.... yuck. I feel depressed but then, coming off meds will do that to you I guess.

Depressed today. I am so tired of this. I deserve better.

Did work in the morning.

Was unable to work in the afternoon, too anxious feeling paralyzed.

I'm feeling crazy. I feel like being sorry for taking up this space, yet I feel the desperate need to connect to somebody that's feeling as awful as I am right now. In a way, maybe I'm doing it to myself. I could carry on taking the damn pills.
I'm sick to my stomach daily, I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't had anxiety pills for 2 days, but even before that with taking everything I was still feeling sick. I'm tired of tooth pain, back pain, joint pain. I try not to complain in life, because so many people are suffering worse than I am. In more ways than one.

I don't trust that my boyfriend loves me. I'm anxious all the time about it. Today I think he was annoyed at my surprise visit. I brought him stuff, but he still seemed annoyed. I read lots into things, but he looked at the clock, like "omg, look how much time has gone and I didn't get to do what i wanted"... i realize myself how much reading into a look I've done when I write that, of course it was more than the look, a few comments he made. I'm sick of everything today. I find no joy in food, driving, the awesome weather considering it's usually blowing and snowing this time of year. Nothing. Is this what stopping antidepressants does to someone?
Bf doesn't want me taking it. It seems unfair. He takes stuff that he's not willing to give up. I feel like raging at the world. Is this another effect of coming off pills? Should I just take one again? I'm a mess. Sorry for the taking of space. My ex used to say that is what I was. A waste of space. I'm just so donw right now that is what is going through my head. I don't want to rely on a damn pill to keep me from feeling like this.

I feel miserable and it's just getting worse. I'm scared of my mental state. I just feel wrong and paranoid, anxiety is high. I'm just sucking in all the negative from everyone around me today. I'd rather suffer than let them have to feel it, that's what I'm good for.

Depressed still. It is hard to get motivated. I think I should eat. Half sandwich is really not enough. Maybe that is why I am underweight? I am glad for PC. Having a place to put my thoughts is helpful.

Doing some better today. I do not like sinking into deeper woe. I am trying to find some positiveness. I am looking for motivation. This is no way to live. I deserve better.

I'm feel really ****** tonight, and all from finishing a book! Jeez, it messed me up. Now my anxiety and my doubt and my fear is getting the best of me -- I can feel it grabbing hold. I want to post a thread but my head is all foggy and my thoughts jumbled, And I just can't seem to bring it all together.

I need more Black Metal.

On the verge of ending it all.