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  #251  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 05:15 PM
Anonymous37914
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******mit, what will it take for people not to ignore me??? what will i have to do??? (irl, not here on pc)
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  #252  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by ennui. View Post
******mit, what will it take for people not to ignore me??? what will i have to do??? (irl, not here on pc)
Same for me. It really seems that I'm invisible. Even when they see me, they act like I'm not here. Anyway, I don't care anymore. I juste wanted to know if you were French (I ask cause of your name. Don't know why, but I feel the need to ask).
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  #253  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 06:54 PM
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Curry Curry is offline
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I am dating and I keep asking questions. I don't want to pretend, so . . .I am trying to be gentle but I will probably end up a alone with my questions. I have always had to know. I will have all of you as friends - that is nice.
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  #254  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 07:59 PM
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ScientiaOmnisEst ScientiaOmnisEst is offline
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Been on a mini-rollercoaster but overall okay. I have grown today, or recognized some growth. I refuse to let myself feel ashamed in the face of that. It's my mind, my life, my pace. So what if it took a couple of years and multiple rehashings and revisitings?

I probably shouldn't be so proud overcoming some intellectual anxieties, it seems silly. But when your mind is usually a mess of worry anything feels like progress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curry View Post
I am dating and I keep asking questions. I don't want to pretend, so . . .I am trying to be gentle but I will probably end up a alone with my questions. I have always had to know. I will have all of you as friends - that is nice.
If I may pry, what kinds of questions?
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  #255  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 08:24 PM
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It was an alright day for having the day off from work. I had my friend come over. He wanted to do something at first. But as it turned out he couldn't spend much time with me. At one point he complained that he wants to get out and do things and that he feels frustrated that I don't want to. I think that he forgets that I have to do all of the driving and fight the traffic. Along with putting wear and tear on the car and almost getting into accidents because I'm not familiar with the places he wants to go to. And the only reward I get out of that is just a lousy lunch somewhere. He's 80 years old and can't see well, can't hear well, and moves very slowly. That's why I don't want to go places with him.
  #256  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 08:52 PM
basicgoodness basicgoodness is offline
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I was in the middle of cleaning up a major laundry detergent spill when my new therapist called and asked why I was not there. I wrote down the wrong time so will have to wait until Friday to see him. After that, I had to go lie down and talk to the frightened, lonely child within. I assured him that all would be OK even though things seem to be out of control. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new work week and I am afraid it is not going to go well. I am afraid I will spiral further into depression and not be able to get anything done.
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  #257  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi View Post
Same for me. It really seems that I'm invisible. Even when they see me, they act like I'm not here. Anyway, I don't care anymore. I juste wanted to know if you were French (I ask cause of your name. Don't know why, but I feel the need to ask).
i know the feeling. it makes me feel awful, but i don't know what to do about it anymore. i try being an upbeat, likeable person, but it always comes back around to bite me in the ***.

i'm not french, but i chose the name ennui because of it's meaning which fits me well: "a feeling of weariness and discontent resulting from a lack of interest/boredom". it's also the title of a poem by one of my favorite writers, sylvia plath.
  #258  
Old Jan 18, 2016, 09:50 PM
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mortalache mortalache is offline
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Mondays usually come with a lower mood, but today was much worse. It's unbelievable how lonely and isolated I feel. Living my life feels like a punishment - like a prison sentence. I really wanted to hurt myself today.
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  #259  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 01:01 AM
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Cried so damn hard in my session today. My eyes hurt from crying so much these past few days. I really need to face my fears.
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  #260  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 05:52 AM
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At work and I have a headache as well as feeling generally miserable. Hoping I can call my psychiatrist after work. Hopefully get an appointment today too since I'm close by the clinic. I really hope I can. I feel awful.
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  #261  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 07:03 AM
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Depression sucks.

Even when I have these moments where I tell myself I'm okay, I have friends now, I'm still reminded of my past. Just cried because of a very embarrassing moment in my life that just came back to mind. I'm afraid of my new "relationship", we aren't dating, like doing things together. We don't go out to do things, and spending time together is good, but I'm getting anxious. The weather has been crazy and I want to walk and enjoy good weather. I have a long time to go before that happens.

I feel like if I live in the here and now, it works, but it is so hard. Thankful for all of you good people and this forum.
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  #262  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 11:36 AM
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connect.the.stars connect.the.stars is offline
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x1000000000^1000000000
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  #263  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 02:29 PM
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today was a better and more productive day than yesterday, by far.

rearranged stuff in my room. didn't think i would get done at first. prepared myself to just leave things on the floor until tomorrow, but i somehow finished the job. it's looking nice now.

still, a little hesitant to call it a 'good' day, being as it's not over yet. i've had days where the first half was awesome, and then everything went to ****.
  #264  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 04:57 PM
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ScientiaOmnisEst ScientiaOmnisEst is offline
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I was really nice and stable until around noon, then for some reason the overwhelming feeling of sadness just hit me. So I binged a bit, and now I'm just hiding inside, trying not to think too much about my life or past but still reading self-deprecating junk online.

God this sucks. Yet I know almost no other way of living.
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  #265  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 05:15 PM
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Smileonmyface Smileonmyface is offline
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for the first time i feel free. i look like crap i am a mess and i do not give a __ . it is nice to feel at peace. to stop trying to live a facade

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  #266  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 05:52 PM
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Tired. But I saw my psychiatrist this morning and got my Abilify upped a bit. Hopefully this will work. She was pretty not happy that my meds had stopped working basically but in a way that was supportive of me. So there was that at least. I just hope things get better cause at the moment I'm pretty miserable.
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  #267  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 06:32 PM
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well it's back on the tramadol train for me..
  #268  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 07:34 PM
basicgoodness basicgoodness is offline
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Pretty rough day. Called my pdoc. He upped my Abilify, too, even though I know he is very cautious with that stuff. I'll see him on Monday, so we'll try to sort out the med situation. Right now, they don't seem to be working. Feel the bottom is dropping out.
  #269  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 07:57 PM
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A pretty good day at work today. It's Tuesday and back to work after a three-day weekend. Nothing much else to report about.
  #270  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 09:48 PM
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I feel so awful. Like really awful. Ever since I woke up this morning, I've felt awful and the thoughts won't go away. It's getting worse. All throughout today, I've been trying to suppress the negative energy and thoughts, but things just keep happening. I think I need to rant so I'm really sorry for this block of text but if I don't channel this out, I'm going to keep stewing and I'm not going to get any more work done.

So today my team was supposed to have a call with a client with one representative from each department present. But one of the heads (despite having responded that she could make the call), was still in a big shot's office. So my boss asks me to go get them out from the big shot's office as the call is about to start. I walked over and tried to say as politely as I could "Can I borrow Suzie for a couple minutes for a call we're having?" and the big shot just stares at me blankly and says "Who are you?" in a borderline rude/actually curious (but still rude) tone. And I had no choice but to say, sorry my name is _____, I'm just a small fry compared to you, this is why I need to ask Suzie to step out for a minute. Then Suzie replies to me that there's nothing important to discuss with the client...so I leave all embarrassed. When I return to the conference room, my boss is on the phone with the client and they sound very pissed that Suzie isn't there because the client actually has items to discuss with Suzie. And I just felt so ****** that there was nothing I could do about it because I'm just a nobody. I don't even look like I have authority because my hair looks like ****, I'm wearing huge baggy clothing and extra layers to pad myself to hide the fact that I have had no appetite this past week.

And then I bought a birthday cake for my co-worker since it's her birthday today. I sent out an email to other people in my department to come to the kitchen to help surprise her and sing happy birthday to her. Everything goes well, except for the fact that too many people showed up and the cake I had bought was too small. We didn't even have a cake knife so when I tried to cut it for everyone, the cheesecake just sort of fell apart. Every piece I cut was so hideous and disgusting looking, and they were also really tiny. Nobody had enough. It was very poor planning on my part since I should have brought candles too. I'm pretty sure people felt left out that they couldn't get cake. I declined my piece to someone who I knew actually wanted some, and it just felt so ****** that even though I'm trying to do something nice for someone, I always end up with the short end of the stick. I even planned a group lunch for the birthday girl, and I did NOT want her to pay for the bill. But when the bill comes, I put my card down. And everyone else avoids it. So after an awkward 10 seconds of thinking - omg I'm actually going to pay a $115 bill for 6 other people, the birthday girl puts down her card too. The rest of the people just sat there. Like HELLO?? The birthday girl should NOT be paying anything, and yet they were ok with letting me split the bill with her. Like what kind of message does that send her? I'm not even that close with her and I'm trying to make an effort to cheer her up on a day where she has SO much work to do. Like it already sucks to be working on your birthday and now you're asking her to pay? It's ridiculous.

And I have so much work to do by Friday it's not even funny. I'm so screwed. Sigh. Late nights here I come again. Ok I really need to go back to work. I'm sorry for the rant. I really have no one else I can tell this to.
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  #271  
Old Jan 19, 2016, 10:49 PM
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People are laughing at me behind my back. I just know it. Because my face is always so stern when I'm trying too hard to work and not get distracted. Everyone must think I'm a mean ***** who isn't nice to anyone. They think I'm scary. Maybe I really am scary and nobody likes me. They probably think I'm a person who acts fake nice. I'm truly hideous inside. All I care about is what people think of me. I don't care about people in reality. So why should anyone care about me?
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  #272  
Old Jan 20, 2016, 01:04 AM
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OneInBillions OneInBillions is offline
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Sigh... very little sleep for the past 48 hours despite being exhausted for every single one of them. Insomnia is such a pain. How is it even possible to be this tired and not capable of sleep?
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If only real life could be as beautiful as fiction...

Diagnosis: Social Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, possible Autism Spectrum Disorder
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  #273  
Old Jan 20, 2016, 01:16 AM
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I think I'm ready to leave the forums. I've actually been here for over 3 years, not 2. "met" some great awesome people, lost one that I know of that I will never forget. I don't want to leave, but something is telling me to move on. I'd love to help people but I also feel more down occasionally, after trying. Sometimes it's easy to just try and leave it at that. But I feel everything is an "interference". So if I say something and look back, I think "well, did I help or make things worse?", or "is this making me think too much?"

I'm tired. I have a lot going on with my son, new relationship, finances etc. I like using this place to "vent", but I've done that and now ended up going full circle I think. Eso si que es
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  #274  
Old Jan 20, 2016, 02:59 AM
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Catlady360 Catlady360 is offline
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I've been thinking. This time around, with my depression, there was no real trigger at all. None that could explain how depressed and yet at the same time anxious I am. So I'm glad that my pdoc upped my Abilify. She did say that after a while your body does get used to meds and that changing them around a bit can sometimes help. I just hope that I'm not a lost cause here.

It bugs me when people say "Oh there's no such thing as real depression" or something along those lines. Not when I've felt what I'm feeling right now.
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  #275  
Old Jan 20, 2016, 09:11 AM
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Angelique67 Angelique67 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by disparaissant View Post
I think I'm ready to leave the forums. I've actually been here for over 3 years, not 2. "met" some great awesome people, lost one that I know of that I will never forget. I don't want to leave, but something is telling me to move on. I'd love to help people but I also feel more down occasionally, after trying. Sometimes it's easy to just try and leave it at that. But I feel everything is an "interference". So if I say something and look back, I think "well, did I help or make things worse?", or "is this making me think too much?"

I'm tired. I have a lot going on with my son, new relationship, finances etc. I like using this place to "vent", but I've done that and now ended up going full circle I think. Eso si que es
You will be missed, Dispairassant.
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