Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

That's about what I assumed for how long it would take. I was looking up withdrawal symptoms yesterday, getting paranoid that I was just metabolizing the meds extra fast or something. At least I should be able to push through my last couple days at work this week.

I'm not sure I'd describe my pdoc as understanding. I've seen him twice and don't feel very listened to. But at least he responds to phone calls quickly, both times I've had to call him I was doing really badly.

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Had a stressful kind of day, but things turned out alright. Had an appointment at 10 with the dermatologist to have my bandage removed. I couldn't make it at 10 because the freeway on the way to the office was backed up. I headed back to work and called the doctor's office. They were nice to take me in later in the afternoon.

Things are coming back to normal, but there's still some restrictions. By next week, I could be back to doing all of the things that I have been doing before.

My daughter is going on a long trip to see relatives and follow her uncle around his practice. It is a joyful time of her flying the nest. I bought her some fun clothes and did her errands with her. My ex came and dumped all his anxiety and stress on us last night, like the evil fairy. Divorce is good. I just struggle with reaching out continuously as a single person seems to have to do, and asking for company when I have to convince myself daily that I want to be with myself.

Can you get a different pdoc? One who would hopefully listen? (It's hard to do that with Medicare because most will say theyre not accepting new patients.) I like my pdoc; he takes a long time usually to talk to me. I'm not sure I can even go to my next appointment because I developed a phobia of the stairs here and I haven't been able to take them for about a month now. And when I did, two weeks ago, i fell on the top landing. So now I'm doubly afraid. :/

Struggling so much with depression...not having intrusive thoughts the past few days so that's good, but on the reverse side I got a monthly visitor so physically I feel like crap and my mood is even lower because of that. And my new suit feels really tight because of it. I was so happy to have bought this sharp new suit but then I feel so bloated and gross. Ug, I just can't win it seems. And I forgot to take my meds last night because I laid down and fell asleep right after eating dinner. I feel lame because of that too.

I just feel like I suck. It's a wonderful feeling.

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Geez, just read all the updates...we're such a happy bunch, lol.

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I am thinking I'll bring that up at my next appointment with my therapist. There are a few other pdocs at the clinic I go to, and I kind of ended up with this one because he had the soonest appointments available when I started. I've been iffy about this pdoc since we first met; what was supposed to be an hour initial appointment only lasted about 20 minutes.

I've seen some of your other posts about your phobia, I can imagine that would be difficult to deal with. I've avoided stairs for a long time myself, my arthritis makes it hard for me to go up or down.

When the bloat decreases you'll have your nice new suit! I used to love to buy clothes.

Of course you don't suck. Probably everyone misses a dose of their meds at some point. Since I was inpatient I only have to take 5 meds morning and night. So they're easier to remember now. There's still a dose of gabapentin between them but if I miss it it's OK.

I'm wearing the suit anyways today. Damn the bloat to hell.

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Yes, me too! And now I'm not sure whether I'm more afraid of descending or coming back up. My knees are in such bad shape ever since I was a young teen and I had to have surgery to remove a broken off bone in my knee. Now I have arthritis in both knees.

I'm really glad you have other choices for a pdoc! There are less than a handful of them in my location, I think.

ETA I'm happy with the one I have, though. And if I move away by about an hour I'll probably have more choices of pdoc at the new location.

My arthritis started in my knees, and went untreated (and undiagnosed) for about 6 years. It's led to a general fear of falling down, because I can't get up without a lot of work, and usually someone stronger's help.

Oh, I know, me too! No one would believe me this whole time about how hard it is to kneel too, without something soft under my knees. Now, if I fall down, it takes so long to brace myself for the pain of getting back up. And I'm afraid to use anyone's help for fear I'd make them fall down. I have fallen down so many times on my knees since 2000. But not many times at all since I moved to this location. Only this one time, I think. And I was thinking of calling the fire dept lol. To get me off the floor.

Im really sorry there wasn't any help for your knees either. I've used Australian Dream on aching areas before. I should get a new jar. The creepy thing with that and some other topical stuff is that they use emu oil. Ew, right? But for some strange reason it does help. At least for muscle pain. I don't remember if it worked for the arthritis but it's worth a try. I keep putting off buying it for some reason.

I've never heard of that before. Right now I'm on a good combination of meds that takes care of most of my problems, except for flexibility. That's mostly a matter of needing to start exercising more to get that back, but my depression has made that a challenge.

Yes. Before I got much worse health issues, my main exercise was walking. So now I can't walk. If I weren't so heavy I'd try to go swimming maybe. I loved it in the early 80s. But there's no way I could pay the transportation costs to go regularly.

Did you ever get physical therapy for your knees? My life is too jumbled right now, by needing to move, to try that though.

I did go to physical therapy for about 6 months at one point, but it was before we knew it was arthritis. I have the fortune of my cousin being a physical therapist, so she has continued to provide me with exercises I can do to regain flexibility. It's just a matter now of finding time and energy to do it.

I used to swim a lot, but I don't have the time or money to do that anymore. I like biking though, and I have a stationary bike at home. Again, it's a matter of having the energy to actually do something. I work 10 hour days, and when I'm home I don't have much energy for anything during the week.

Wow, 10 hour days! It's amazing you have any energy left! I loved riding my bike on the Chicago shoreline biking path. But since I've been where I am now (a different state) there's no way I could have carried it downstairs. It's in my storage space now. :/ But that's great that your cousin can still help you. I'm still trying to wrap my head around 10 hour work days lol.

Lol it's a nice option to have, and it means I get 3 day weekends all the time! We aren't incredibly busy too often, so I have a lot of down time during the day, and I work a desk job so I don't have to be on my feet. I have a very flexible schedule too, so if I can't make it through the day I can make up the hours later in the week. I usually do that at the end of the month when I have a lot of paperwork due.

That sounds like a dream job! I miss working. I have recurrent dreams that I found the right building finally and lately with that one, i get to go in the cafeteria in my dream and get to quickly pick a piece of cake, lol.

I can't complain about too much I work with some difficult people (coworkers and non-employees), but it's mostly a challenge more than a problem. I had never planned on working in this particular type of job, but I've been here a year and a half now and I don't have any plans to leave for a while

That sounds like you have struck happiness. i wish I'd made some better decisions and kept my work going longer.

Do you have a cafeteria in your work building? I love those dreams so much. It's like a redemption for me. Most of the time something wakes me up before I can have anything on my tray, though lol.

We do have a cafeteria, but I try not to eat there. All I've heard since starting this job is how good the food is, and they serve it buffet-style. I'm trying to lose weight, not gain more!

That's my dream! Lol. If you ever do eat there, you have to post about the food hahaha.

Lol I've gotten to eat there during a few meetings and parties already, and it is good! The kitchen workers go all out, and it's amazing what kinds of foods they can make with most of the food coming from donations.