[Humpty Dumpty]

That's what I'm trying to decide. I don't really know if I want to live or die. The reasons to live are starting to matter less and less every day. Some days I think I may want to, but most I just think I want to kill myself. I will think all day on what the best way to do it would be.
It's pointless to seek professional help if I don't even know what I want. I just know I am tired of feeling this way.

Humpty Dumpty, suicide is not an option. We try to talk to those who contemplate it. There is nothing in this life worth killing yourself over, trust me. It puts unanswered questions on all your loved ones, undue stress and affects them their whole lives always questioning what it was that they did wrong. You are tired of feeling this way yet you don't want to talk to anyone in professional services. Then there is one person left, your Creator who made you. Have you talked to them? It works, it really does. No one can fix someone else's life, and no ones life is perfect. We all suffer in humanity. I ask that you realize that life is not about being happy it is about being grateful. The only way out of ones misery is to be thankful and count the blessing that you do have. Don't let life's agony and pain blind you to the provisions you do have now. And it is okay to want to lash out and it is better to ask for help. I will pray for you. Blessings and tc

[dotcom02]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

That's what I'm trying to decide. I don't really know if I want to live or die. The reasons to live are starting to matter less and less every day. Some days I think I may want to, but most I just think I want to kill myself. I will think all day on what the best way to do it would be.
It's pointless to seek professional help if I don't even know what I want. I just know I am tired of feeling this way.

Professional help can still help you even if you don't know what you want. Let someone put things in a different perspective. Just having someone to talk to is a relief itself. I poured my heart out my first visit years ago and it was a huge relief just having someone listen to me. Distract your mind and give it a break. I know its hard to do, but find something that's interest you before you've always wanted to do. Make that spontaneous leap and get hooked into it. Learning the guitar did it for me. It could be mechanics, motorcycles, sports, gym, electronics, arts, design, community help, ect. Take your interests and find something related you've never done before.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Humpty Dumpty )))))))))

[dotcom02]

I promise you, your problems can be dealt with. Dealing with depression long term is hard, hard as hell but I need you to remember how many people care about you. Talk to someone, it doesn't have to be someone professional, it can be anyone on this forum. You could even talk to me if you want, I'll never turn someone down. The wisdom and advice people can share is astronomical but unless you talk to someone, no one can help you. Don't give up like this, I promise you, after you see light at the end of the tunnel you will feel ten times better. You just need to find that light at the end, you'll never get there if you give up. Don't trap yourself into feeling this way, please find someone to help you.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I know those suicidal feelings all to well and seeing/talking to my therapist is the best thing I have ever done. There are wonderful reasons to live you just have to dig a little deeper to find them. A therapist can help you cope and help you not feel so alone. I wish you the best. You have a good life ahead of you.

[Yoda]

[Raindropvampire]

How do you know what comes next is better? What if there's reincarnation and your next life is even worse? What about hell and purgatory? What if you get stuck as a spirit in some sort in eternal torment? No one knows what comes next and how do we know we can circumvent pain just by trying to check out early? At least this life is pain, misery and suffering that I know....what if after is worse?

I've given it lots and lots of thought and I would need a guarantee there is NOTHING after because I simply don't want to exist at all anymore. BUT there's no way that anyone can guarantee that we just blip out of existence so I figure why trade one craptastic existence for another? Where's the point in that?

[jbuttz]

I hope you are doing okay tonight humpty. Hugs!

[spring2014]

dont do it !!!!!! you will regret it later!!!

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I know those suicidal feelings all to well and seeing/talking to my therapist is the best thing I have ever done. There are wonderful reasons to live you just have to dig a little deeper to find them. A therapist can help you cope and help you not feel so alone. I wish you the best. You have a good life ahead of you.

I don't trust therapists. Thats part of my problem. You can't be 100% honest with them. They will all tell you that if you are a threat to others or yourself they are legally required to report you. Although when you challenge them on that law (is it state, local, federal, what is the exact wording?) they talk about moral/professional obligations. If I can't talk to you about my biggest problems then what is the point? I don't belong in an adult daycare. They can't keep me safe from my own mind.

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

How do you know what comes next is better? What if there's reincarnation and your next life is even worse? What about hell and purgatory? What if you get stuck as a spirit in some sort in eternal torment? No one knows what comes next and how do we know we can circumvent pain just by trying to check out early? At least this life is pain, misery and suffering that I know....what if after is worse?

I've given it lots and lots of thought and I would need a guarantee there is NOTHING after because I simply don't want to exist at all anymore. BUT there's no way that anyone can guarantee that we just blip out of existence so I figure why trade one craptastic existence for another? Where's the point in that?

There is either heaven or hell. Nothing else. Yes Hell will be worse, but there is nothing else I can do to change my situation, I've tried. So I'm willing to roll the dice and take my chances. If I goto Heaven then it's worth it. If I goto Hell well I was going there anyways. I don't believe God holds mental illnesses against you.

I haven't read everything in this thread, but why other than all your pain and no one you feel you can talk to, do you want to hurry up the process? What's at the heart of the matter? If you need a friend I'm here, so are many other people. That's what this place is for. Is your mind racing with thoughts, then find a doctor who can help you with medication. I felt like I was manic a bit the last few days, so I had to take something to help me sleep. Do you have access to a psychiatrist or doctor?

I believe you have to believe at some point, that you can trust doctors or therapists. I know I've been through hell with psychiatric care at times, yet, what's the other option. It could be, heaven or hell, or nothing at all.. why not bear with the pain and wait for another day, then another.... I never believed things would change. Just last night I felt so down, but I needed my meds and a good sleep. Are you sleeping well?

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I haven't read everything in this thread, but why other than all your pain and no one you feel you can talk to, do you want to hurry up the process? What's at the heart of the matter? If you need a friend I'm here, so are many other people. That's what this place is for. Is your mind racing with thoughts, then find a doctor who can help you with medication. I felt like I was manic a bit the last few days, so I had to take something to help me sleep. Do you have access to a psychiatrist or doctor?

I believe you have to believe at some point, that you can trust doctors or therapists. I know I've been through hell with psychiatric care at times, yet, what's the other option. It could be, heaven or hell, or nothing at all.. why not bear with the pain and wait for another day, then another.... I never believed things would change. Just last night I felt so down, but I needed my meds and a good sleep. Are you sleeping well?

I tried to find a therapist today and it didn't go so well. Now I feel even worse. I hate feeling this worthless & useless.

I know, I hate feeling worthless and useless myself. I don't see how you could be though, sometimes others see in us what we can't see in ourselves. We all can make things better.

[dotcom02]

Humpty, do you mind me asking what is keeping you from ending it all? There is something still deep inside you that holds tremendous meaning preventing you from doing it. I feel you see yourself continuing on with life, but suicide is a lingering option right now. Might consider exploring these thoughts, it might show you some insight on life.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by dotcom02

Humpty, do you mind me asking what is keeping you from ending it all? There is something still deep inside you that holds tremendous meaning preventing you from doing it. I feel you see yourself continuing on with life, but suicide is a lingering option right now. Might consider exploring these thoughts, it might show you some insight on life.

My wife. I just can't bring myself to leave her alone. She is the only reason I have survived this long. But that is getting harder and harder to hold onto.