Does life have to be so hard?

28th day on this depressive episode. While the active part of suffering seem to have fainted, every type of haunting thoughts still cling to my mind to the point of suffocating me. Not feeling very anxious because I feel that there is nothing I can do. However, althought I feel some vital instinct, I feel as if death should be reclaiming me and I was sucked back from any beloved thing.

My therapist says that this pain is part of the positive process. I know that pain is part of the healing, I know that I'm changing a lot of bad habits and that can't be easy. But dammitt, this PAIN can really scare me off...

For instance: yes, at 36 I should be living on my own, but if I was not under the eyes of my parents, would I restrain from getting some drink?
Yes, I should get a woman, but sould I be able to maintain a relationship while depressed?
And there are many more "what if?". I REALLY hope that the righe med will be able to soften and shorten these bouts, or I'll always be scared and exposed to disappointments.

Just wanted you to know I read your post...Only suggest at this time is not spend too much time counting the days...and I think you answered your question regarding being on your own...

((((stefano))))

Try not to fret about what you should be doing. Sometimes it just makes things worse. It doesn't matter where you live, or if you're in a relationship or not. All that matters is that you're fighting the depression, and it takes as long as it has to.

And it sounds like you're making progress, that's awesome :-)

Hope the clouds lift soon.

You are so lucky to have parents who are sticking with you through this.

I hope you find the right combination of meds . . . it really can help.

Depression is the "pits" is it not?? I've suffered from terrible bouts of it..
try to relax about the "shoulds" of life...where I "should" be in life.

Recently,, as of last week Friday.. that recently.. I am literally taking one day at a time.. living in the moment.. that is a really difficult thing I think for us adults to do (I think that children are able to do this all the time.)

It helps the depression.. for me...

take care of yourself, freewill

Thank you SO much folks. As always getting support and cheers from other people who KNOW what depression is all about is heart-warming.
And of course you are right, I should live more by the day. It's ironical that focusing on the "here and now" is the master teaching of Zen. I used to be a Zen enthusiast as a teen and through my early twenties... And see how I've fallen fra from it. I am so demented by the apst and the future that the present is wasted in anguish.
And what about the ideal of Harmony? I couldn't be more far away from Harmony.
Well, OK, i'll just hold on... and thanks again.