[dexter]

I've said elsewhere that I don't know how I am making it in to work every day, I'm making a lot of mistakes, I'm tired, and I can't focus. Once in a while I've had to leave an hour or so early. The weekends are horrible and this past one was particularly bad with a trigger that set me down late in the day on Sunday and disrupted my sleep again.

I actually emailed and said I might not be in today but in the morning I dragged myself out of bed and got there. I am terrified that if I stay home one day I'll then stay home the next day and the next week and the next month. If I can stay home there's nothing to make me go in.

So I went in today, early before coworkers were there, and completed two quick jobs that were pressing for this week. When people started to arrive I began to feel crushed, so I left. It wasn't even 9:00 yet in the office when I ducked out.

My manager asked if I was OK and I said yes, then he asked if I was lying and I said yes. I came in at 8:15 and left at 8:50 because I feel fine.

I am going to try to get a little more sleep.I still don't have a doctor. If I can gather the energy to make calls today it won't be for a therapist, first I have to straighten out a NEW error on my insurance. I sent a rather nasty email to them over the weekend.

I don't even know where I want to go from here.

[basicgoodness]

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I wouldn't consider having to leave work a failure. You did what you had to do. I take sick days when the depression leaves me unable to concentrate on anything, which has pretty much been a constant throughout January. I'm hoping February is better.

Take care of yourself.

[dexter]

I came home and slept for two hours. Now I'm up and what's running through my head is how can I possibly go to work tomorrow and face everyone after running out today.

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make it in tomorrow, I usually do, but how I'll react there I hope it goes OK for me.

[dexter]

Originally Posted by basicgoodness

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I wouldn't consider having to leave work a failure. You did what you had to do. I take sick days when the depression leaves me unable to concentrate on anything, which has pretty much been a constant throughout January. I'm hoping February is better.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks basicgoodness. I already take a lot of sick days for other medical issues. It is hard for me to justify there, almost as if I'm staying home for no reason. That's not exactly true, because I do know this is an illness that is out of my control, it's more a case of, right now I'm feeling bad every day, so why can I go in some days and not others, it feels very arbitrary, and of more concern, if it is OK to stay home why don't I just stay home every day.

Ten years ago I was unable to go to work for a whole year, I lost my job, my car was repossessed, I almost lost my home. And yet staying home from work, even through all of those stressors, was the easiest and most comfortable thing that I ever did. Coming home today was easy. I don't like that it is so easy.

[dexter]

Since I'm home I called the insurance company and straightened out the billing error.

And I'm trying to do some work from home so I have something to show for it tomorrow.

Originally Posted by dexter

Thanks basicgoodness. I already take a lot of sick days for other medical issues. It is hard for me to justify there, almost as if I'm staying home for no reason. That's not exactly true, because I do know this is an illness that is out of my control, it's more a case of, right now I'm feeling bad every day, so why can I go in some days and not others, it feels very arbitrary, and of more concern, if it is OK to stay home why don't I just stay home every day.

Ten years ago I was unable to go to work for a whole year, I lost my job, my car was repossessed, I almost lost my home. And yet staying home from work, even through all of those stressors, was the easiest and most comfortable thing that I ever did. Coming home today was easy. I don't like that it is so easy.

Please, Dexter, please consider getting some antidpressants from your GP. Immediately. Just as an interim measure until things stabilize. I completely understand your not wanting to based on the side effects, but you are basically in a state right now that puts your livelihood in major jeopardy.

You aren't marrying the antidepressants, for heaven's sake - you'd just be using them to get over a major hump!! You can break up them when the time is right. View them merely as a life preserver - drowning people don't hang onto their life preservers forever . . . nor do they care what form their preserver comes in . . . a real one, one tossed out by the N. Koreans, a piece of drifting wood, a dead whale (swear this is true!), or whatever. You are drowning. Do what you need to do! Now!

[JohnCrow]

Ah yes, a failure to launch morning

Where you wake up, almost feeling fine and then, like a huge bag of rancid pig faeces being dropped on you, you feel defeated by the new day

My last 5 have been this

[dexter]

Onward I don't currently have a GP, for several years now I've only been seeing specialists for my specific health conditions.

In any case, my focus has been on trying to get back into therapy. If a therapist convinces me to try anti-depressants I will keep an open mind but I do not want that to be my first course of action. It takes weeks for a medication to have any help and last time it took me more than a year to get off of them safely all the while dealing with the side effects and I do not want to start that cycle without first trying therapy.

Finding a therapist has been a challenge... I think that finding a doctor on my insurance that will give me antidepressants will be just as large a challenge (I'm also currently urgently in need of a new rheumatologist) so finding a therapist and then finding a rheumatologist are where I am focusing my limited energy right now.

Originally Posted by dexter

Onward I don't currently have a GP, for several years now I've only been seeing specialists for my specific health conditions.

In any case, my focus has been on trying to get back into therapy. If a therapist convinces me to try anti-depressants I will keep an open mind but I do not want that to be my first course of action. It takes weeks for a medication to have any help and last time it took me more than a year to get off of them safely all the while dealing with the side effects and I do not want to start that cycle without first trying therapy.

Finding a therapist has been a challenge... I think that finding a doctor on my insurance that will give me antidepressants will be just as large a challenge (I'm also currently urgently in need of a new rheumatologist) so finding a therapist and then finding a rheumatologist are where I am focusing my limited energy right now.

Just really concerned for you, Dexter.

May you land a good therapist very soon (rheumatologist too!)

[hopeless2015]

Oh do I understand, had the same problem myself, didn't make it in though, I'm sure I'll be "meeting' with the boss tomorrow... If I managed to make it in that is

Sent from my XT1058 using Tapatalk

[dexter]

Originally Posted by Onward

Just really concerned for you, Dexter.

May you land a good therapist very soon (rheumatologist too!)

I know Onward... Thank you. I slept better last night and I'm on track for work today. Tomorrow I have to give a presentation which will get me throught the day and Thursday I am visiting a client for a demo with the boss... Both days will take my mind off of my trigger there and I should be OK. Friday I may ask to leave a little early and go to a concert in Manhattan.

[dexter]

Better day today but ended up working 16 hours. I've been good about not working too much overtime though, today was an exception due to a deadline. HEAVILY triggered by coworker but was able to work through it.

More complications to the insurance story that I'm too tired to elaborate right now, but still haven't been able to try again to connect with a therapist.

[dexter]

My presentation today went very well. I had a rough struggle in the morning but kept myself busy to prepare for the meeting. Unfortunately this was to keep me isolated from my coworkers but today this is what I needed.

The presentation went well and lifted me and kept me feeling OK until it was time to go home.

I was able to explain to my manager that I needed to hang my coat in his office... usually I keep it on the back of my chair but today I didn't want my area to look sloppy with guests coming. We have a coat rack that used to be in the middle of the room but it has migrated to the far end of the room. I eplained to my manager that if I put my coat there, at the end of the day I may be experiencing where I can't bear to make eye contact with anyone else, and if my coat is on the other side of the room I won't be able to retrieve it to go home.

He got it... or rather he appreciated how frustrating this is to know that it is all a perception that I can't shake and not really be able to understand it. We never talked about my locking myself in the bathroom at the end of the day last week.

I do well in front of clients. And tomorrow I am going out with the boss to a client to demo some our our technology for them. These are usually good days for me.

I suggested we bring someone new from the front office along to see the demo and therefore be introduced to one of our services in the context of a client demo.

Boss thought it was a great idea but decided at the end of the day instead to ask another coworker from my department to come along. Yep the guy who triggers me who I have been trying to find a balance to avoid and keep my cool around and work with him.

To make matters worse, the boss is going to the client straight from another meeting, so he wants me to drive and meet him there separately on my own. With the guy who triggers me.

I really think I'll be OK. This is a nice guy, it's not like he's an office asshole that I can't stand to be around, it's the opposite. If he was an *** I'd ask the boss for another alternative. In this situation I feel I can't and I shouldn't.

Hoping maybe the trip simply goes well. I know the demo will be OK. On the way home from work I thought that crashing my car into a pole would be a good way to get out of it... Not seriously, merely in the "ideation" category... I wasn't thinking of doing it just, well, ideation.

So a lot of movement in both directions... No progress toward a doctor today as my meeting was most of the day long. Tomorrow will be hectic too but hoping to resume calls on Friday.

[dexter]

I came through the day ok but I can't stop crying. I couldn't say more than three words in the car to my coworker. It must have been an extremely awkward car trip for him. He obviously cares about me. He kept trying to start a conversation about work or about some of the things we used to talk about. I couldn't manage more than an short answer. When we got back to the shop he said something about how he's been so tired after work he just goes home and crashes. He used to come to my house occasionally but he stopped coming so I think this was his way of telling me why. Except that not an hour later I found out that after work tonight he met up with another coworker. She invited me to join them. What the F. I wanted to say I couldn't join them because he is too tired after work to be going out. I didn't snap at her because she's one of my friends there who I've still be able to talk to when we are alone.

I'm hurt and this is all the plot of a Judy Blume novel. I can not believe that at my age I'm creating junior high school drama. My brain is just taking me down.

In good news I think I solved the newest problem with my insurance. It will take 7 to 10 days to make sure it is resolved then I can start looking for a doctor again. The last time the 7-10 day problem they resolved much more quickly so I'll check with them at the beginning of next week. Of course that last problem was the snafu that led to the current one.