Feeling Worse Every Day

So, a little background to explain the extreme distress thus weekend. My bf and I don't live together, but we spend as much time as we can together. When I get off work at night, he's already waiting for me at my apartment. I don't work Fridays, so he will usually stay at my apartment from Thursday night until Monday morning. Friday and Saturday mornings, we get up for about an hour at 4 or 5, before he has to go to work. Then he gets off around noon, and comes back over.

This weekend, his boss had something going on today, so he asked my bf to work at night too. He works at a small restaurant, and is the senior employee. He said yes, so in addition to his usual 6-7 hours in the morning, he was going back from 4-7 at night. This doesn't happen often, and I know he will spend the hours off in between with me, and the short time apart won't be too bad. But instead one of my bf's coworkers called him around 1 and said they were really busy. So he went to help, and won't be home til he was supposed to be, at 7.

It just sucks so much to be home alone like this. My bf never leaves me for more than maybe an hour on weekends, and today it's 6 hours. I kind of just want to crawl back into bed and sleep the day away, but then I won't sleep tonight. I hate how fast the weekend is going, and I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm just sitting here playing video games, smoking and drinking already. I'm so tired of it.

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I wonder if there is something you could do to be more active right now. Something basic like take a walk?

If you had yourself as a client what would you counsel yourself to do right now?

That sounds about like the advice I'd give a client. Do something to distract yourself. It just feels so hard to do anything. There is plenty around the apartment I could do.

My bf actually just stopped in for a few minutes. He took a short break to pick up a friend who's working the rest of the night with him. We talked about going out tonight, so I guess that's happening now.

Yes. So hard.

But even though really hard, activation is really important.

What if you pick just one of those things and get started on it now?

You're hard to argue with. I suppose I can start with the task that has the highest payoff, and easiest to do since my computer is already running.

That sounds really good.

(((((PsychNitrous))))

I attempted to do my taxes this afternoon, and got on the chat for a while. Turned out to be a good choice, I stayed pretty distracted.

Now we're getting ready to go out and socialize. I'm pretty anxious, haven't been very social lately.

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What helps you do better when being social?

Practice. The more time I spend with people I know, the easier it is. Between work and keeping the apartment up it was too easy to isolate myself.

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What can help you practice well tonight?

Well we're gaming, so I'm kind of forced to participate in conversation.

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Morning again. It's hard to drag myself out of bed even when I know it's getting later. I'm only awake now because I slept on the couch half the morning, and got up when my boyfriend woke up at noon.

Sundays aren't easy. I don't want to give up my freedom to go back to work. But I get off early a couple nights, we are planning on going to the movies one of those, and I think maybe I can make it this week. So far so good, right?

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Right. Like yesterday, try to do something active or that is needed around your apartment. It might be hard to get started, but you can do it!

Well, I finished doing my taxes already, as disappointing as that turned out to be. I need to at least patch up some clothes today too.

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I always feel so anxious at the end of the day Sunday. I don't want to go back to work and have to face life again. I just want to stay home.

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Thanks. I just get so exhausted during the week, three days isn't enough to rest back up. I just feel worse as the night goes on.

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What makes you so exhausted during the week?

Trying to function at work, focusing on everyone else so I don't just sit around and cry like I want to.

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I expect that depression is really fatiguing. And then the stress of acting like everything is okay when it isn't. It all wears a person down.

It is. I almost miss the days when I used to not be able to cry. It's tiring to fight the urge when it hits.

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Good luck today. Consider breathing mindfully when stressed.

Thinking of you

It's so hard. I already cried once while getting ready for work, trying not to again. I don't want to move or get dressed or go anywhere. Not sure if being busy today will be a blessing or a curse.

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