Feeling Worse Every Day

I think you are saying that insurance is more likely to cover it if there is an obvious need for it--which you don't see yourself presenting right now.

I very much don't see myself presenting an obvious need. I don't think I could consider inpatient unless I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning. Despite everything I say, I'm functioning too well.

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In your mind there is anguish but you can hide the pain and the world sees a functional person.

Exactly. I must not be that bad if I can pretend I'm ok.

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Good news. Whatever demon emotions that were escaping my head today are locked back up by smoking. For the first time today I don't want to hurt myself.

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I felt OK this morning, but ever since getting to work I'm starting to droop. So far 3 people have commented on my being here so early today, including my supervisor, who knew about it. I had to shift my hours an hour early on Wednesdays for a group starting the week after next, but I decided to start the new schedule now to get used to it. It's just making me anxious, unless this is carry over from last night.

I still can't believe how much better I felt last night after smoking. It's never calmed me down that much before, and I have definitely cut after doing it. But it helped, and bf and I were able to have some crazy conversation about things I never could've dealt with earlier. We started talking about my birthday, and what we could do for it. It started with his suggestion that we should just get in the car and drive until we're tired. Then we started discussing plans to drive to Colorado to visit some of his friends. It's weird, there is like no planning involved in any of this yet, which makes it so scary to me. But maybe we will just go. I don't know yet, I don't know why I'm bothering to write about it. I have no idea what I want to do about either idea.

smoking is great.. it can have mixed effects sometimes, but when it works it works
i am so jealous wish that i had it like i used to to smoke all the time, but i probably really did smoke a bit way too much! but hehe it was fun atleast
i think ill be able to have some next week though, really exciting!
since i havent been able to smoke much my tolerance has come down significantly... going from smoking 3-4 bowls to where i can take a little pinch and take 3-4 hits and get pretty high... but you know we only smoke the dank
the only thing i dont like is when i go a couple weeks without it and i smoke the first couple days the depersonalization stuff is pretty heavy and that can be a little uncomfortable... but ive lived with that stuff for ever anyway so im used to it, its just weird when you start falling out of your body around people lol

um.. when i went to the hospital they sent me to a place that was funded by grants and stuff... so the patients didnt have to pay to go there, but you had to try to do the group meetings and cooperate or else they had to send you home or something... and the capacity was low - 15 people maximum.. but 8 group meetings a day is a lot to someone who is avoidant!
is there any place like that there? i think this is their website http://www.rbha.org/

I've been wanting to cut back, especially because my tolerance is higher than I'd like. Plus it would be nice to be able to pass a drug test easily again. We went 2 days without last weekend, and when we finally picked up it was such a great day lol I haven't gone more than a few days without smoking for like 2 years, other than the couple weeks I was getting clean for a drug test, so I don't remember if I've had any depersonalization from it. But I can imagine it would not be fun.

I really don't know what kind of inpatient options there are around here. I know there's one for substance abuse not too far away that's nice (I had a client go there last year), but I don't know anything for mental health. I see my t through the hospital, and I think they have only outpatient services, unless it's crisis? I don't know, I've never looked into it. I haven't wanted to think much about it, I have a lot of fear of what would happen to the rest of my life if I had to take that option.

you can get clean in 2 weeks?
i dunno anything about flushing my system - never really had to worry about it but i really should learn so that i could just lie to them people and tell them i dont smoke anymore since i just smoke so much less now (there is no way its causing my problems) *rolls eyes*
the depersonalization stuff doesnt really bother me, i kind of enjoy it because it turns my crazy stuff off in a sense and it always passes ya know and i dont really remember afterwards but it can be uncomfortable i guess because of my somatization stuff.. my body will start getting really weird - but its nice to escape if i didnt feel the phsyical stuff i would probably just sit there and drool lol then after a couple days with it back in my system it stops happening or atleast i dont notice it so much... i feel weird all the time anyway so its nice to have an excuse for the strangeness - i think the weed does effect me different than others though it seems to have like an lsd effect but ive never taken lsd so i cant really compare it... i dont want any lsd either! defintely

it is nice having a lower tolerance, but i build it up fast for some reason.. and also i have a problem with stop smoking when im "good" ... like i love the smell and taste so much and i just love smoking so much i cant stop :P it annoys me because i could make it last so much longer if i didnt do that "ahh just one more" kind of thing

i totally understand about the repercussions of going to the hospital... i dunno what they wrote in my records from my stay there but i know that its messed up because i was really messed up at that time.. on all those pills and those people putting this bipolar mania stuff into my head trying to make me believe it... i remember after i stopped crying i just went into a "gotta go home" mode and was like if i just get better they will let me go, and i just went into another world and i guess i was fine - they said that my mood and everything improved substantially and i seemed completely stable and ok - i even wrote some weird thank you letter praising them or something, lol... stupid brain... so now they probably do think im bipolar or psychotic or something, but i dunno i just was really doped up and wanted to go home because those people scared me and i was tired of being in a strange place... but anyway, just have to becareful with what you say i guess.. because if you arent they write everything down :| i only remember a few things so its not really fair that they get to say all these things about me when i feel like its really not true...
they wouldnt give me any benzos in there for some reason, they said they dont give controlled substances (i guess because the pdoc had me down as substance abuse or something) but anyway.. they put me on depakote and couple other antipsychotics and that stuff really messed me up, i was already on like 7 pills before they started adding those new ones, or changing them, hmm... i really cant remember what they did besides waking me up every morning early to take my blood checking my levels

it can be good to go in though if you are really freaking out.. in a way that you might hurt yourself bad ya know.. they wanted me to go because i had started cutting and they just thought i was really unstable - i wasnt so unstable as i was just confused though
if you do go make sure you have refills on your benzos and stuff because they told me that would be the only way that i could take them is if someone brought my prescription to me but i didnt have any more and the pdoc lied to me about letting me take them again and stuff so..

i wish i could tell you what i do, but i honestly am not sure what i do i just know that my mind does something and i go somewhere and everything is ok for a while, but maybe i lost touch with reality a long time ago or something? i'll keep popping back remembering things and be like ahh you stupid faker!! arguing with myself about stuff, because i feel like how can i go from one way to another and not really remember things until those flashes happen
can you turn your brain off? maybe thats what i do, turn things off for a while

wish i could make it better for you, i feel guilty about escaping the way i do

I'm feeling weird today. If I don't have something to focus on, I feel distant. If I'm talking to someone or with a client I've been able to focus completely on the task at hand and remain in the moment. But the minute I have nothing to occupy me I feel lost. It's been frustrating.

Well, back when I started this job and had to be tested I could get clean that fast I was only smoking on weekends though. Now it would take longer since I smoke all the time.

I have a hard time stopping like that too. I smoke as much for the experience as I do for the high. Plus it makes social situations so much easier to deal with. I've promised myself at least a week off when I start feeling better, but lately I'm still using it to self-medicate since the meds aren't helping much yet.

I think right now I just need to keep myself distracted, then I don't feel so bad. If I'm hanging out with bf and we're smoking and talking about tv or movies or something totally normal like that, I don't feel so bad. It helps keep me out of my head, so I guess I kind of escape in a similar way to you? I just haven't figured out how to do it on my own yet.

yeah its just an enjoyable relaxing experience
dunno why they think its such a harmful/dangerous thing

yeah i think thats similar to what i do, i end up talking to myself though lol
but thats because i know myself better than anyone i guess and its an automatic thing andd i dont really like talking about things to other people, but if i had a GF it might would be different
distraction seems to be what its about, or forgetting about things? sometimes things just seem to leave my head and im left with other feelings, but sometimes it annoys me because of confusion and because i feel like a manipulator / master faker or something and i start to feel crazy or scared because things start going through my head like "what if i am bipolar?" or what if it is mania, or what if im psychotic blablabla - but right now im just blocking it, trying to atleast!
i just find it strange that i can turn into a chameleon and adopt some other feelings, i start to feel stoned really... i mean i do feel high right now but thats kinda one of the reasons i dont like to be sober becuase i feel more messed up when im sober than when im using stuff if that makes sense, like just thinking about it makes me start feeling dizzy/disorientated but i've been trying to learn to go with the flow instead of freaking out over something that might be a good thing, after all im not crying and moaning about how messed up i am
but just saying that stuff out loud makes me shake my head because it sounds ridiculous, makes me confused grr
i would feel like a huge idiot if it turned out that i was bipolar, super retarded
but i just cant understand why i forget everything the way i do, does weed/alcohol damage your memory like that? i cant remember how i used to be before i started because i started around 12/13 years old... but i really am more sober now and just dont understand how something like that can be effecting me like this, its reallly bad! or good, how ever you wanna look at it

if i was you and i had a wonderful boyfriend like yours i would be fantasizing / daydreaming about him all the time to make me feel better

I've never looked into alcohol affecting memory, so I don't know about that. It's pretty anecdotal information that weed affects short-term memory, I have TONS of clients who joke about having memory problems from smoking. I actually just read an article somewhere yesterday that said memory problems are seen more in infrequent smokers, not as much in heavy users. I wonder if part of it isn't from some part of the MI. I've been having a lot of memory problems lately too. Like just now, I was looking at another website when I remembered an email I had to write, then I came here and forgot about it until just now. It's always, there was something I was going to do, but I don't remember. Or I talk to someone and feel like I forgot to tell them something I wanted to say after. It's weird and frustrating.

lol I spent a lot of time daydreaming about bf before. It's not as easy now that my depression has pretty much killed any sex drive I have. Sometimes at night though I do catch myself just staring at him lol. One of these days he's going to catch me and I'll be embarrassed

yeah, thats what i've read too abot the memory... so it just pisses me off when people tell me its because of that stuff, they just dont get it - but i dont really care, maybe i dont want them to get it
i've read about Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome - but yeah, i dont think thats it :/ else i wouldnt be here probably... but i dunno, i feel like if it was that then the psychologist would of recognized it on the exams they gave me.. he said other than the adhd stuff my neurocognitive stuff seemed fine - its really annoying because i have researched alot on alot of things trying to put 2n2 together ya know, but things really dont line up and then i just start drawing lines from this to that and its just stupid :/ i make myself pretty angry because i cant figure myself out
but im trying to just stop with all that madness and just let it be.. but its difficult because it is really troublesome when you start having problems with these things... i dont like saying it because it sounds ridiculous, but i dont feel like myself, not really sure who i am :/ but im many faces too, but i dont know them either- im just who i am when im them i guess, i confuse myself a lot...
being a philosophical type i ask questions i should not ask, i look at things in ways i should not look at them, i go places i should not go in my mind... ect ect... sometimes it feels like the whole thing will just collapse, but it hasnt happened so i dont really think thats possible - its just frustrating :/

like now, i feel like an idiot because sometimes i write really silly stuff and just sound so ... im really crazy i guess, i dont feel like i did earlier, i mean if its rapid cycling bipolar then the feeling when i feel ok would be different im almost certain... its not like hypomania either, but i dunno maybe im just a fool and in really deep denial;
but i have thought about it alot... and the bipolar suggestion just doesnt really make sense to me... i tried to accept it for like 2 years when they pretty much tricked me into believing it, made me believe i was manic for like ever, and that just annoyed me because i've looked into bipolar fairly extensively... but whatever :/

i wish i wouldnt write stuff like that though, because now i feel different and i feel like a jerk because i just keep pretending to be fine - but ... nah... clearly something is wrong because i dont feel ok >.< makes you wanna pull your hair out because you just start feeling completely mad... who the hell am i gonna pretend to be in 5 minutes, i just wanna get drunk now :/

i dunno, when i write im not lieing... so im sorry i seem so different alot of the times grr it really frustrates me, its one of the reasons i dont wanna be around people because they are gonna think im some fake manipulating liaing jerkoff - but what do i get out of it, i dont even wanna be around them, hmm shhhh i gotta stop ranting, i run off on tangents too much - sorry
its just annoying you know, i aggravate myself so much

if i just had an answer, i could say "aha!" and that be that, atleast understand :x
i dont like embarrassing myself and looking foolish... i dont even like reading the things i write anymore because it just makes me feel stupid, maybe when i was growing up i just was too smart and drove myself over the edge and now im dealing with repercussions, wish i could go back and change it

gonna stop writing so i dont say anything more :/ i wouldnt write this but im just annoyed, just gonna sit here shaking my head in shame

i've always wanted to lay in bed and stare at someone
just seems like it would be fun, the mental illness does really mess with the head though - just try to hold onto those memories and replay them if you can when things get too rough; though i know its not easy to turn that other stuff off when it starts


crazy guy gonna go scrape some pipes/bowls and play a game for a while - try to make myself stop feeling like this, this is really just ridiculous :/
i wonder if something triggered me, i mean i dont even know what happened you know? kind of just blinked and hey here i am
hmm... does it ever happen to you?
i hope i dont annoy anyone as much as i annoy myself with this kind of nonsense - i just dont understand how these things are possible, i wanna just be like a normal person...
i'll be fine, i guess maybe im just dreaming, but if im not then wtf :/ so stupid, i'll figure it out some how, i just cant let myself get into an obsessive routine... that really aggravates these things.. and makes me angry because that stuff just doesnt make sense!
god, im sorry :/ i'll see ya later im gonna go stop this madness
keep fighting, things are sucky sometimes, but things can be good sometimes, just listen to the good things... those bad things are stupid and want to trick us...
i gotta stop doing these things making myself look really crazy

I get the pretending. I do it so much, it's weird. I guess today has been the weirdest, because I'm just so unfocused and not here. But when I'm talking to someone, I'm happy and normal and sociable and laughing. I don't feel like that inside though. It's too easy to pretend, but I don't want to let everyone know what's going on inside either.

I don't know if it's all my schooling or just me, but my diagnosis has been so clear from the start. It's like a perfect checklist, I can just go through the symptoms for depression and gad and nearly every one fits me perfectly. There's never been any question in my mind what I'm dealing with. But I know it can be way more complicated, and I can't imagine having to deal with that. My whole life has been pretty straightforward, though. I had a normal family and a normal childhood, but that still doesn't explain why I have to be like I am. There really isn't even any history of any of this in my family, not that anyone knows about anyway.

Scraping pipes? Ew I hate getting to that point, we had to last weekend. I can't deny being at least a little jealous though, I still have at least 2 more hours at work.

So the violent rage is still present. It just hasn't been directed at myself today, so yay? I got an email this afternoon though that had some upsetting news. It wasn't necessarily bad news, just a situation that is incredibly frustrating and makes me feel powerless and incompetent. And as soon as I read it I felt that anger fill me, the same anger I felt yesterday that was driving me to SH. I couldn't do anything about it though, because I got it about 3 minutes before a client walked in. But I wanted to scream and cry and destroy something. I don't know if my client noticed anything, but for about the first 5 minutes after I replied to the email I knew I had some kind of crazy expression on my face. I just couldn't let go right away. I struggled to answer the email too, probably should've just left it until later, it wasn't urgent. But I was answering to my supervisor, and she was just passing the information on from someone else in the building. I wanted to rage in my reply, but I managed to hold back. I didn't want to rage at her, it wasn't her fault.

My inability to focus today pushed me out of my office too much. I spent way too much of the day talking to and joking with my coworkers, and I am exhausted by it. I'm so glad that my day is over now, I'm going to go home and take care of myself. Get some food, then we're going to make some tea and maybe eat more of the apple cobbler I made last night. I just need to rest now.

yeah i hate that stuff too yuck, it doesnt really even do anything for me but gotta do somethin

well, for me at first i thought it was pretty simple... i figured it was just anxiety and depression.. that made sense for a long time, but now i just dunno.. i mean i do have MDD apparently and deal with alot of depression and i guess i have PTSD ...
i gotta try not to think about the past, its stupid :/ but i never payed attention because i was too busy running i guess, but i think that i cant run from it anymore if you know what i mean - i wanna believe that im psychotic, but i dont think thats it.. my mind just wont shut up sometimes and its blaming me for things that im not even trying to do and its just really getting on my nerves :/
its not like that though, psychosis... thats why its driving me so crazy because it doesnt make sense, i mean it does, but thats the part that is making me argue so much because i think its stupid and ridiculous and im just being a big baby
i just want to shut it down until i can talk to someone about it but i cant talk about it because its just stupid and im being stupid, i dunno, just cant stop acting stupid
i know im doing it so why cant i stop it it really really really disturbs me, annoyed, because i wont stop it -.- but im bottling it up inside and trying to stuff it down and im not showing it on the outside at all - i think that i created a monster
bleh
but i dunno how... im goin crazy right? when i think about it, i just wanna cuss myself out because i think its a ridiculous thing to think, but i cant stop thinking about it until i go into one of those zones where im not thinking about much of anything like this morning - you know, i know that mania can present itself as irritability right? but this isn't just random irritability... im really pissing myself off :/ maybe i am just bipolar, i dunno.. it doesnt seem to fit though :/ because this stuff is just... well bipolar is a fluctuation of poles, ya? the mood stuff.. well, i dont think they are fluctuating.. i think that im just genuinely disturbed/disturbing myself with inner conflict..
im in my head way to much, and im just tricking myself into different thoughts or making different things happen that are just confusing me and i cant really control it, stop it, i know it sounds really crazy
i just wish i would leave myself alone... im not doing anything wrong and not trying to do anything at all so why bother me

i dunno, see, im making myself look foolish :/
but i dun really wanna talk about it because i really feel stupid... cant even control my own self hehe... i think im just losing my mind, but i always thought that if you were going crazy you just went there and didnt really question it, my mind is quieting down now... but i dunno when it will come back... im trying not to think about it... its so stupid - what a dork

sorry about writing this stuff here, i dont really want to but i dont know.. i dont wanna go crazy alone i guess... and like you said it seems if i can just keep myself talking to someone else then it has less power over me, i just embarrass myself so much because i think its ridiculous that im experiencing these things.. how stupid do you have to be to be so confused you dont know whats going on in your own mind?
i think this is why i dont like to let myself have friends because i end up acting like a fool
i just dont wanna be around myself right now :/
what would you do about somethin like this? listening to music helps block it out a little

why do i write so much, i need to take my obsessive side and read about how to condense information *rollseyes

edit:
oh yeah, i know that rage :|

I know I don't know your whole story, so I can't say anything for sure, but I could see it being trauma bottled up too long. I only kept my stuff in for 10 years and you could see here how crazy I got when I finally talked about it. I imagine you've been holding stuff in for longer then that. I don't know about psychosis. I haven't studied it a lot, but it seems like there isn't often a lot of awareness of being psychotic when you are. You know?

I don't like being around myself sometimes. I guess I just try to get out of my head when that happens.

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I suppose today is OK. I slept very deeply last night, which was nice. I really needed it. At one point I woke up and had no idea where I was, I almost felt like I was back in my old college dorm. I don't remember if I even figured out that I was at home, I think I just fell back asleep. I had some worries when I got in bed about someone being in the apartment, but I was just so tired I didn't get up or anything.

I don't really feel much of anything today. I was frustrated with a situation earlier and it made me want to cry, but that's about it. I'm just really distant from everything I guess. I'm tired.

Seems the only emotions I get right now are extreme and short-lived. The situation earlier was frustrating, but ultimately really doesn't affect me. Then there was another situation, a client late because he was meeting with another staff member. This affects me, I had 1 1/2 hours blocked off for this appointment, and now it has to be rescheduled. So it's now taking at least 3 hours of my time. We have a computer system with schedules for all the clients, to keep track of all their appointments and work schedules. But it seems no one outside of this department can bother checking it. Then to make things even more frustrating, we called the staff member and asked them to send the client over, because he was already 1/2 an hour late. It took more than 30 minutes for them to do so. It's like no one has any respect for us, or for our time. It really bothers me that this particular staff member was the one to cause the problem. I've always liked her, but when this happened I just wanted to scream.

The emotions have already passed, but they were intense for a while. I text-ranted to bf for a little bit, and now I just feel deflated from letting everything out.