Feeling Worse Every Day

It's a release of everything I have to bottle up during the day. I don't have the energy for anything else.

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So tired this morning. Had to get up early for a consultation meeting before work. I'm so ready to go back to bed.

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I'm already having tension headaches today. They start in the back of my neck and move up into my head. I'm exhausted and my stomach is upset. I feel like a rag that's been wrung out.

I'm lucky to have the coworker/supervisor I have. Just found out she was pretty harsh with the client who tried to make me cry last night. And I don't have to meet with him anymore. Guess it can't rain all the time.

What do you take to cope with the headache and upset stomach?

Nothing for the headaches, I don't know if anything would help a tension headache like I've been getting. Otherwise I take Tylenol, and some nasal decongestants if it's in my sinuses or a migraine.

I haven't been able to place the reason behind the upset stomach today, so I haven't taken anything. I'm not sure what's going on, so I don't know what would work.

I just don't know how to cope anymore. My head still hurts, my stomach is still upset, I just want today to be over so I can crawl back in bed. I'm trying really hard not to cry, but it's hard.

My mom texted me this afternoon, we haven't really talked in at least a week. I only just told her about my plans to see a pdoc the Friday before last. I don't like being so distant from her, it's really hard after how close we've been. But with work and physical distance, it's hard to keep in touch as often. I wonder if she still complains to my dad on the nights I haven't texted her.

I hate living alone. I miss my parents, I miss my brothr, I miss the cats. I knew moving out was a bad idea, and I knew I'd hate being on my own, but I had to be stubborn. Maybe I knew this kind of depression was coming, but I had to make a desperate attempt to live like a normal adult. It was the worst time. I'd just graduated college, just started my first job in my field, just started back in therapy. But I just had to throw myself into crisis (hmm ... maybe I'm a little BPD).

I just don't enjoy being alone. I hear noises that mostly are just the building making noise, but it sounds like a million murderers and rapists coming for me. I try to play music or tv to block it out (T's idea), but that just muffles the sound enough that I can't tell what it is. I hate it.

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You sound so lonely and hurting. What if you moved back home?

It would be nice, but I'm stuck in the lease for my apartment until August. My bf and I are hoping to find a place together after that, but I don't know how long that will take.

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I'm feeling so anxious today. The management company I rent from is going through to check smoke and CO detectors today, and I just can't stand it. I know it's something I have to deal with, being in an apartment, but I just hate the thought of someone I don't know being in my space without me there. My bf is supposed to be going over when he gets off work, but I don't know when that will be, or if they will be there before he gets there or not. It just makes me so worried.

On top of that, last weekend we planned to go to the movies tonight, since I get off work early again today. But I just don't know anymore. I want to go, but we can't go until 7:30pm, and then we won't be leaving until after 9, so we'll be home late. We both have to work tomorrow, and I'm just so tired. I don't know what to say, I feel like I'm letting my bf down again. We've made plans like 3 times already to see this movie, and every time something related to me has made me not want to go.

I hate all of this.

I feel so unheard and uncared about. It seems like no one gets it, and there have been so many situations where I'm just left sitting here thinking "I already told you this, why didn't you listen the first time?". I try to explain myself but no one hears me. No one cares what I'm going through, because I still can function. I can't not get things done, I can't just stop my life because I'm having problems, otherwise I'd lose everything. But that just keeps up the illusion of having my **** together, I guess, so no one gets how torn up inside I am.

Best example is my bf. I already posted about this stupid inspection going on in my building today, I got notice of it a week and a half ago, and I've been so worried about it since then. I have practically begged my bf to go over there as early as he can today, so hopefully the inspection isn't done in my empty apartment. Well it is now going on 5pm and he just told me he plans to head over soon. I had to ask him I don't even remember how many times to fix the stupid outlet cover in the bedroom, and he only was able to do it yesterday because I reminded him, again, while he was at the store.

I'm just so frustrated and angry. I hate feeling like everyone is relying on me to be OK and together so I can take care of everything. I just don't want to care anymore. I want someone to take care of things for me, just so I don't have to worry or care about something for once. That's all I ask, one break. One chance to just worry about me. I don't want to care anymore about anything.

It sounds like you feel taken for granted.

I do. I have for so long. I don't mind helping people out, but why can't I get the same in return?

Feeling miserable today. I don't want to be around people, or even out of bed. I was so tired last night I started feeling sick, and then I couldn't even sleep well all night. I want nothing to do with anything today, but there is so much I have to deal with. I have stuff scheduled throughout the day, plus I'm supposed to start training our 2 new employees, and I offered to help the third new employee with billing if she needed it. I just want to shut my office door and cry. Or sleep. Or just be left alone.

After today you are off until Monday?

Nearly. I'm working about 4 hours tomorrow, but it's just doing paperwork and preparing billing. No clients, so I can just close the door and sit alone.

I can tell I'm hiding more and more today, my reactions all seem so fake. It's almost a dissociative thing for me, I have this feeling of watching myself over my shoulder when I do this. Like just now, I had a client in my office and laughed about something he said, and it was such a fake laugh. There's no emotion behind anything, unless it's negative. I'm irritable and angry with everyone for anything, because I just wish they would all leave me alone.

How did the client react to your laugh?

Not in any abnormal way that was noticable to me. He had made a joke, so he chuckled a little as well, and just went on with what he was saying.

So it felt fake to you, but evidently not to the client.

I suppose so.

Had a short break this afternoon, I've been sitting in my office crying. I just feel so empty and everything is overwhelming. I'm frustrated with having new employees to train, because I'm not good at training, and I'm still balancing this huge workload anyway. I don't have time. The minutes are just ticking away and all I can do is sit here and stare at the clock.

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I feel ****ing miserable today. Tried staying away from here for the weekend in the hopes I could think more positively, but nothing changed. I woke up today and cried until I left for work. I just want to still be at home, in my bed, not having to think or move or act. My sleep is so disrupted, I'm just exhausted today. I'm trying so hard, but I just don't want to anymore. I'm just so tired.

(((((PsychNitrous)))))

When do you get to see the psychiatrist?

2 1/2 weeks. I see T on Wednesday.