Feeling Worse Every Day

I'm really sorry that things are so hard right now.

I wish there was something I could do to get some relief, but I don't know what. There have just been these little oases in the depression, but it always comes back.

What does T say about finding some relief?

Mostly we've discussed improving self care, so trying to take little breaks for myself. She feels like much of my depression stems from poor self-esteem and self care, so that's all we've worked on so far.

Thank you! How is that work going so far?

It's a struggle. If I'm not actively pretending to be OK in front of someone, I feel like I'm in this black hole. I want to cry all the time.

Being at work is so hard today. I want to cry all the time. I wish I could just shut my office door and hide behind it all day, but I don't have time. There's so much to do, I have only little half-hour pieces of time between appointments the rest of the day. I want that to mean the rest of the day will go fast, but I just hate it. I hate being here right now, I hate feel like I'm so lost. I want to take some time off work, but I don't really have a chance to for another month, and I am planning on taking a day or two off then. But it's so far away, it's hard to see much hope in that.

Hang in there and keep swimming!



Keep active and work with your T in the mean time until you can work with the Pdoc as well.

I'm trying. Next appointment with T isn't until next Wednesday, then another 2 weeks after that for the Pdoc. I just wish there was more I could do right now, instead of having to wait all the time.

Keeping busy is distracting enough. Haven't been able to feel my depression for a few hours now, I have to face too many other people. I'm scared of how tonight is going to be, though. All this build-up is going to have to come out sometime.

What could be helpful in the evening?

I'm not sure. I'm afraid now of just completely decompressing when I get home and falling apart. There isn't a lot to do when I get off work, since it's late, so usually I just try to ride things out until I go to bed.

So pissed off right now. I work with clients who are mostly mandated to attend, so I get that it sucks for some of them. But then there are the ones who make it worse for themselves. This client should be long done with seeing me, but he is still only halfway done because he refuses to show up or do his homework. It's like a page of short answers, how can that be difficult? But because he is pushing against things, he's still mandated to attend and do his homework. So I got this gem of a response today. He finished his homework from the last 3 sessions, already pissed off, and decided to call me fat and useless in one of his answers. Like I wasn't going to see it? Or he wanted me to flip out on him right there in my office. I know I can't take it personal, but it hurts. I try, and I want to help. This kid is younger than me and has already spent half his life in prison. But it's all my fault anyway. It'll probably be my fault when he goes back to prison, I'm not doing enough to help him change now. I just don't know why it has to be my fault when I do so much to try and help.

So glad my 6:00 cancelled. I just want to fall apart. I am falling apart.

It is not your fault.

Right. Such comments from clients come with the territory.

It is a very rough territory. By going there, you show courage and generosity and kindness and compassion.

(((((PsychNitrous)))))

Have you considered (and/or spoken with T about) the possibility of burnout?

I know it's not, but I'm the one they all blame.

I know I was already experiencing burnout in December, thought having a nice long week off at Christmas would help. But the stress is still here, and my coworker and I have talked about ways to deal with it. I haven't talked to my T about it, but it's probably a factor still.

I'm having near-constant tension headaches now, and my appetite is disappearing again. That was a problem all weekend, I couldn't make myself eat until I was starving. Tonight my appetite held up until I finished heating up my leftovers, then I lost it. I keep getting pains in the back of my neck that move up into my head. I know it's tension, but I haven't been able to relax. All I want to do right now is get through the last hour of my day so I can go home.

What a horrible day for you.

How might you relax at home?

I haven't decided yet what to do. Probably will just sit and watch tv or watch my bf play video games, like I usually do. He knows it's been a rough day and just called from the grocery store, makes me wonder if he's going to pick up a bottle of wine for tonight.

I'm fixated on such negative thoughts tonight. I just don't want to think about today anymore.



Just trying to be grateful that I don't work late tomorrow, or the next day. Then my Thursday is mostly blocked off for paperwork. I just have to make it through one more hour.

You can make it through this hour and then things will be downhill for a while.

I'm trying. It just sits there in the back of my mind, like the thoughts I still have of SH. I can't do anything with my bf in the apartment though, so I haven't.

Downhill will be nice. I even have a consultation meeting tomorrow morning, hoping I can get some advice from her. Not quite as good as seeing T, but maybe it can serve a similar purpose.

Home. Finally. Not the most relaxing yet, bf is gaming online with a friend, and one of his other friends is here. I don't want to say anything, don't know what I would say.

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I'm glad that you are home.

Me too. I feel silly sitting here unable to relax though. It would be better if we were alone. I wanted to come home and cry.

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I'm so sorry that your days are now such that at the end of them you want to come home and cry.