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#1
Apr 22, 2016, 12:57 PM
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apparently i am not sick
the judge denied me benefits saying that i am not disabled they have my diagnosis wrong, obviously they did not even look at the most recent report from the psychologist i cant remember anything from when i was in the court room so i dont know what the **** i did or said but im getting sick of it... im about to cut my hand off, tape down my fingers besides the middle finger, and mail it to them and tell them you stupid *****es **** you they say i can do work, that i report being anxious, depressed and unable to communicate but i present myself in a calm friendly approachable manner - inconsistent with my claims ignoring the facts that i can't drive, ride in cars, or leave the house... the last pdoc said that i was noncompliant with medication and that i was abusing alcohol and marijuana not adhering to treatment which was causing my case not to improve (which is not true, i was doing alot for my treatment! and i would kick that old man in the face if i see him again) they said i was BIPOLAR again stupid ****ing ***** mother ****ing **** *** federal **** face they said that i claimed my G.E.R.D. was a problem, how stupid are they GERD is a somatic symptom i have from severe anxiety i am very sick but i am so sick that i can not present my symptoms, i am dieing, i am crying out for help but no one sees me i want to be helped but i cant say anything, i cant talk about whats wrong with me, i cant show my tears, i cant show my scars, i cant bleed in front of someone i can not handle this please, please i beg... take my life from me... i want this to end... i am tired of being confused... i am tired of crying alone... i am tired of trying to explain things... i am tired of people misunderstanding me... i am tired of misunderstanding myself... i am tired of myself... i am tired of this world... i am tired of the pain... i am tired of people assuming what is wrong with me from some presentation that my body does... i cant control my body... i am tired of living in this prison... i cant do it anymore... how can i get help when my body does not let me... why does my mind do this to me... how is it possible for me to space out and be completely intelligible, coherent, calm, presentable, appearing perfectly capable and fine - exemplary - when underneeth these clothes i have bloody scars, cuts and marks that would scream to differ... if i cant control my body then who knows whats going to happen to me now... i cant do it... they wont help me... bleed, and bleed, and bleed some more... but i am not disabled... i can take care of myself i guess... not eating for days is normal... not showering is normal... not speaking or making eye contact is normal... fainting because you cant breathe is normal... your body burning from flames inside your mind is normal... why do they ignore whats inside of me and only see these fake masks that my mind has created... if i smile, you better believe its cutting my insides like a million razor blades... but i do it to keep from hurting others... i have lived like this my whole life and dont know what to do... i dont know how to change... i cant control it... i just want it to end... i hate myself... i hate the world... i go through so many things in a second... one second so many things happen in my mind... i want to turn it off forever...
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 *Laurie*, Anonymous37790, Anonymous44144, BipolaRNurse, EnglishDave, Fuzzybear, kecanoe, LittleEarthquakes, Nammu, newday2020, Perna, qwerty68, RomanSunburn, ScientiaOmnisEst, Turtleboy, yagr
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#2
Apr 22, 2016, 01:15 PM
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I'm sorry for you and I'm really angry how they treated you!!!!!!! Is there an appeals procedure?
This a side , reading through your thread I am very worried about you. It sounds like your in despair and deffinately in need of what ever support you can possibly get. Your pdoc really did f*** you over with that dumb ***** report!! They made it sound like your just at home taking drugs and can't be bothered to work. Any one reading your thread will know that's not the case. Do you have any support around you? Please be safe Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk |
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#3
Apr 22, 2016, 01:27 PM
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everyone around me wants to support me, but im afraid to let them in
i dont let anyone know anything - my internal war is a silent one there is an appeals... i must try to collect myself over the weekend and try to call the lawyer monday and ask what happened... i do not like talking at all, about cool things - much less about things i dont like... and especially over a telephone... i hate telepons... i am beginning to see that the only way i will be recognized is for that person to come out... for everyone to see how damaged i am... how vulnerable and hurt i am... people will be so shocked... people will be so scared... people will feel like they dont know who i am... i will be completely ashamed... but this seems to be the problem... this damaged person hiding inside... this outside person not showing any pain... my world is confusing.... i really cant stand this...oh god please what am i going to do i dont want people to see me.... i dont want anyone to touch me... or look at me... i just want to hide... why cant they just help me without having to see.... i am already dead inside... but i live on the outside for the benefit of others... this body still bleeds...
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| Anonymous37790
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#4
Apr 22, 2016, 01:28 PM
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i dont want to do it... im so afraid... of what will happen when people see me....
 everyone considers me a genious... prodigy... an angel - i wouldnt do harm they just think i am sad about some things... and some things make me nervous... i am possessed... by the severity of my illness...
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#5
Apr 22, 2016, 01:31 PM
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oh god it hurts so much to cry... i push it in, deep inside...
but when i cry... its as if i've died...
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#6
Apr 22, 2016, 01:38 PM
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soul we are here...wow...that coming out is something else...
I am coming out for all to see and it is very hard...afraid |
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#7
Apr 22, 2016, 01:40 PM
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#8
Apr 22, 2016, 01:58 PM
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 much suicidal ideation... i just feel like i cant face myself... or others... i hide things... i hide myself... i create other people to live in my place so i dont have to face the world... i dont know how to deal with things... i dont know what to do... its breaking apart... the illusion is losing strength... im not able to maintain the facade... but im just a scared little boy... all i want is to be happy... people are so scary... i want to hide... so far... away... i dont want to do this anymore...  im so sorry... i dont think i can get better... im so broken... i cant control my mind... im driving myself mad... back... and forth.... back.... and forth.... i move... from this end.... from pain... to sane... i cry.... but smile... i show contentment.. but feel complete despair... i feel so many things... i am so confused... something bad is going to happen to me.... at this rate i cant maintain my self... one self... im going to lose the last bit of control i thought i had...
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| Anonymous44144
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#9
Apr 22, 2016, 02:09 PM
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im not bipolar.... why do they keep saying im bipolar...
why do they say that... i have never been manic before... why do they want to hurt me... the psychologist agreed with me... and said it was adhd and depression... why are they messing with my head... or am i dreaming.... this is a nightmare maybe... i cant tell anymore... life, death... dream... reality... it doesnt matter... its all miserable... i want my mom  but how do you talk about something that is going to make you cry so bad that you just really cant talk... she would just be scared and i wont be able to explain... this is how i have always been... i dunno how to tell people about myself... i dunno how to be myself... im always the perfect angel... the good boy that cant have problems... i need to show someone my cuts... but i cant...
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; Apr 22, 2016 at 02:30 PM. |
| Anonymous37790, Anonymous44144
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#10
Apr 22, 2016, 03:05 PM
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soul you are a real person...you are ok just the way you are now....let the tears come...let the anger out but don't harm yourself...its ok...whatever you feel
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#11
Apr 22, 2016, 03:07 PM
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have you ever just wanted someone to hold you so bad...
but you are to afraid for anyone to touch you... stay close to me.... go away!! no please stay... hold me... dont touch me!!
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#12
Apr 22, 2016, 03:12 PM
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just let it hang out...but don't hurt you or anybody else..you are a real soul
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#13
Apr 22, 2016, 08:39 PM
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i am drinking...
but i made a song... i cant speak with words... i never can speak with words... besides i can speak to myself in words, in ways that are inconceivable... but i cant communicate... but i want to reach out.... i want help so badly... i need help... i need to learn things.... i need to see acceptance... but notjust that... because anyone can accept you... but then they can throw you into the burn pile... i cant come out often... i cant allow this much... i am desperate.... please intervene... but maybe can maybe someone say if these sounds can explain anything... i hide so many things.... from people... i hide so many things from myself.... my mind is... i dont know how to describe what is my mind.... it has created itself to protect me... but it is causing me damage... my mind will kill me... if i dont stop it.... are there any services that i can contact.... to explain my case.... to let them know that i have this problem... my doctors have said things about me that are not true.... my doctors have diagnosed me with things that are not propper... they have claimed non compliance when i tried so hard... they got mad because i questioned their methods... and just wanted other options... why can they mark my medical records because of that... i have never been rude to anyone in my life... i have never said anything to anyone in my life... but i tried to tell the doctor 2 times that i am scared... i am not bipolar... these medicines are not heling... i am not bipolar... please listen to me... i need a representitive that can explain that i cant speak for myself... my mind wont let me say these things.... you cant reliy on my mind to get these things done.... my mind is just going to have me end up dead.... and i dont want to die... i just want to be happy... i deserve happiness too... i just cant do these things.... and these other people take control and the lawyers and doctors talk to them and i dont think i can get help like this.... if pyou are interseting in hearing my song i will share it with you...
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#14
Apr 22, 2016, 08:51 PM
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i just found this note pad open... another part of me wrote it earlier while writing the song....
maybe its stupid... but i think it wanted to be shared... life is but a trial, we go through it for a while what we do, how we act, what we say, is but a play things we think, things we learn, ends in a blink, ends with burns people see, people feel, people gauge, what people steal.. we surround ourselves with lies, too afraid to cry what we want with life, is anything but to die
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#15
Apr 22, 2016, 09:02 PM
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((((((((((elevatedsoul))))))))))))
Please take care of yourself  Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk |
| elevatedsoul
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#16
Apr 22, 2016, 09:25 PM
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im not a singer yet... part of me can do it... but i cant bring it out... one day maybe it can complete the songs... one part can write the words...
right now all i can do is let my mind make these sounds to do these songs... i am clearly no beethoven... but pushing buttons... making things click... provides a relief... this is what i feel like... i just cant beliveve the judge denied me.... why did i have to space out.. i dunno what i said.... why do these doctors not go deep enough... why cant they see that i am burried beneath years of concrete... why is it so hard to see that..? when someone is telling you that " hey, i feel like my arm is on fire and my heart has a knife in it, my head hurts and i cry all the time" but you are smiling, they dont want to look further edit: i dont actually smile... i have no clue what i do... i never remember talking to the doctors... ****ing hate this ****....
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#17
Apr 22, 2016, 09:33 PM
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grrrrrrrr
do you have any idea what its like to try to wake up every morning... not able to take care of yourself you cant do **** your a ****ing loser you move from the bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen to the porch to the bedroom and to the bed you have no life, you self pity miserably feel pathetic infront of everyone cant provide for anything missing everything in life have no pleasures have no sucess have nothing but pain misery in side your head that is clawing at you screaming at you to just die you are not worth to live this life is not for those of you you are this that needs to be gone what is life that is to be lived for those who are worthy
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#18
Apr 22, 2016, 10:09 PM
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i keep looking back over my years.. what the **** did i do... what happened...
after the trauma i tried to delete it... but i dont think yo ucan remove that stuff... i dont want to go to the hospital... they never figure out whats wrong with me.. they just say " you need to do this, do this and you get better, you need to have a job, have a job and a house you be happy" im like you are a ****ing stupid ****!!! LEAVE ME ALONEEEE!!! having hard time controling mybreathing....
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#19
Apr 22, 2016, 10:46 PM
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um.. im going through different shifts.. so please forgive me... i hope i dont offend anyone....
everyone in my life wants to support me... but i dont think they can handle the things inside of me.... i think they feel like, you know... when someone is sad, you comfort them.. but you dont expect a dam to break... if i started to open up to one of them i wouldnt be able not stop and after i would see that they cant handle it and i would be so ashamed... i dont think i would be able to live with myself after that... it would effect them on so many levels... some would blame themselves... i want to talk but they cant handle it... its complicated because its my child hood... and i already know my dad blames himeself for some things... if i open up and show whats inside of me it would crush him i feel like... i dont want to hurt anyone... its not his fault... he caused some of the things... but it happened... he lost control and it wasnt him... he is different now... he is taking care of me... i dont want to hurt him.... its not all him... my brothers... i just... ive taken it from all angles... every abuse... i just dunno how they moved on like nothing happened.... and why i live like this... living multiple lives... having the face that people see, the prodigy, genious (that is declining) the angry me that bursts out in rage at a triggers notice... and the insides of all of me... the pain... the pain... the pain.... why is it the pain... i shouldnt feel pain.... im learning that i want to abuse substances because to turn this off.... i started at 10... 12..13.. years old... i dunno... i cant remember anything... but pain... and the lies... my lies... my facade, the masks that come out and show themselves to the world around me... keeping this pain wrapped up... unable to heal... i cant do this... i cant do this... icant dothis.... please.... pretty please.... im so sorry...
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#20
Apr 22, 2016, 11:05 PM
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i keep posting but i come back to say something and look back and i dont remember saying this ****...
i ****ing hate myself... this is stupid bull ****... what the **** is wrong with me... edit: sorry... it just gets confusing... i just wish someone was here with me that understood...
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| Anonymous44144, Fuzzybear, kecanoe
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#21
Apr 23, 2016, 12:40 AM
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i feel like the only way they are going to see is when i try to kill myself...
if it doesnt work to well... then it would be too late... but they do that to too many people every day... apparently im not serious enough.... i laugh to many things off in front of everyone... but do they know that its not me... im not laughing... im trying to say i am dieing... this thing in my mind is keeping me from telling you how sick i am... but no one will no... till i am lying there... unresponsive... why wont my mind realize this... why wont they help me tell them... why is it that all they want to do is run from people... why hide everything... why is it that i cant show my emotions... why create emotions thate people want to seee... what is this... i have been realizing things for some months... but im realizing now... that it doesnt matter how hard i try... they wont let me do anything.... they wont let me cry out whily bleeding from arms and legs begging for help....
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#22
Apr 23, 2016, 06:09 AM
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soul---have you been able to tell a therapist exactly how you have been hurt by other people in your life....the whole truth...the real thing...
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#23
Apr 23, 2016, 09:19 AM
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ive never been able to tell anyone much of anything :/
i dont really remember any of the sessions i had with the therapist.. im not sure what i told her.. some day in the future some how i will be able to get a new therapist though... it just has to be a female and she has to be really gentle or else it will make me retreat.. sorry about last night, im pretty crazy... my mom did come over.. she brought me a couple beers, klonopin, and a bottle of wine... so i talked to her a bit... well, i didnt, the serious me did... i didnt really say much.. but i explained about the court, told her again that i dont remember what happened in the court room... so i dunno what i said or did, dunno how i presented myself but i guess to them i was calm friendly and approachable... but i remember almost fainting several times in the waiting room... i didnt tell her much about the feelings.. just that i cant control myself sometimes... i didnt show her the cutting or scars... i dont think i ever will... until they some how find out that i started doing it again... they saw it years ago... like 11..12 years or so i dunno... but when someone sees something like that it shocks them, they forgot about it and didnt want to think about it i guess... which is good... i told her to go ahead and call the old community clinic for me and try to explain my situation... if i could just talk to a therapist and explain... and the therapist explain to the judge that i cant control how i present myself sometimes... especially in those situations like in court... or police station... i was traumatized in court... when the police man takes you away from your parents and you cant see them again for a long time... it makes your mind react around those kind of authority figures... my dad said he is going to talk to his sister which is a private investigator and see what she thinks i should do... use her lawyer... i am not good at talking... i dont like to talk... i just like to be quiet... but through all of this disability process i have been using the serious perosona trying to be friendly and cooperative to make things go along smooth... which clearly backfired... but like i said i cant just be myself... i have to be the other people in order to face the world... so they cant see me... even to my own family... my mother... i try to let it out but it just comes out as the serious person most of the time... or the person that doesnt care and just doesnt want to talk about it at all, im confused... who am i anymore... i can be anyone... but i am no one... i dont think anyone can understand what i mean... i guess im going to try to go back to the old clinic... even though i vowed never to return... but atleast the old senial crazy pyschiatrist that slandered my medical record is retired... i want to sue him... and then kick him in the face... bloody jerk... it probably takes several months just to get back into the clinic though... so i dunno what to do... im in trouble... i have been in trouble for a long time... i wish i would of known when i was young... 10 years old or so... then maybe i would be more in control... im really lost, im pretty screwed... i cant get medication... if i go to my GP and tell her that i NEED the klonopin and show her how bad i really am it would scare her more and she might call the cops and have them take me to the hospital.. im not going to a hospital... i would rather die... i use substances to make changes in my mind... thought changes... patterns.. i dunno how to explain it... it makes me feel better... i just want to smile one time and not fake it... or to tell someone how i feel, me, and it be good... but you know... time doesnt exist for me... 1 day to a year... 1 year to a day... a second to an hours... there is no difference.. the pain has taken time from me... i am trapped in an hour glass... with no sand... but i dont mind... it just makes me cry to watch people moving while i am frozen... i dunno whats wrong with me... i give up trying to figure it out... i dont really care... but i am ashamed... im not so much ashamed for myself as i am for my family... i am embarrassed... but if they only knew... they would hide it too.. i just like to be quiet... before these things... i wouldnt speak to anyone.. thats where i want to go... i am thinking about clamming up.. retreating into the cave... i am sorry for writing here, people shouldnt feel these things... and i dont want to make someone feel bad for me... things can get so bad that bad is not a word that could be used to describe how things are... there are no words to describe... i dunno who i am anymore... am i the pain? am i the other persons? or am i just a scared little boy... i move through my mind like a river over a waterfall... i feel these things, then i have to shift... i put on my selves and play a show for everyone around me, almost forgetting who i am inside... and have moments where it arises and i feel the pain, my faces grows dark and the smile quickly disappears.. i look at the ground and realize this is a lie... but quickly recover what i must to stay alive... looking back up i laugh as if thinking of something funny, no one can know whats inside of me... sometimes i dont know whats inside of me... i am so tired... i just want to rest.... sleep for a long time... but changing faces like this people dont understand when they dont know me... when i try to explain... to most, i probably look fine... but am just one of those people that say i am depressed, when they are sad abou something... but i rarely say i am depressed... i rarely say anything about anything... well... im going to go be silent now... i have to take a break from myself... im turning my brain off... sorry for everything...
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| Anonymous44144, Fuzzybear, Nammu
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#24
Apr 23, 2016, 09:38 AM
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thank you for sharing your soul
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#25
Apr 23, 2016, 10:04 AM
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I think knowing that their child self-harms is incredibly hard for a parent. I don't blame you for not saying anything to your mom. I still remember when my parents found out. I was sent straight to therapy, to get over it there. They wouldn't talk about it then, and won't now.
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