[dexter]

I thought I was beginning to recover from this depression spell but it was only fleeting.

When I'm not locked in depression, I am still aware of how alone I am. I often work very late and my coworkers are frustrated because they haven't finished their assignments but they have to get home to their spouses and families due to responsibility or to avoid arguments. I finish all of my work because I can stay as late as I want and there is no one to get angry or miss me or keep dinner warm or wait for me or anything at all, ever.

I have often whined that I do not have anyone in my life to love and take care of. I really want someone in my life to love and take care of.

Now that I am locked into this deep depression I realize I am also missing someone who will love and take care of me when I need it. Whether that be after a heart attack or just wanting someone to hold me and talk to me.

The combination of the depression making everything worse than it is and the very real realization that I will never have anyone in my life is crushing me.

[Serzen]

I am not depressed but sometimes I feel the same.

I am positive she will come for both of us, when the time's right. Don't give up.

[dexter]

I wish you good luck but there are too many practical obstacles for me now that I am older. It's not like I've ever even been close, ever. If I couldn't find someone to even take any interest in me that way, ever, over my whole life, I'll never find someone now with all of my health issues. I'm gay and extremely introverted and frankly not attracted to very many people. I've been in the closet most of my life so I don't have many of the necessary social skills in that area. It's not like I "practiced" on girls when I was growing up, I kept to myself and that seems to have established me firmly as "friend". If there was anything remotely attractive in me body or personality-wise as anything other than a friend then I think someone might have approached me at least once over the course of my life. When I gained the realization that I had to go out and try I got nothing but rejection. That was when I was young, skinny, and healthy. Now I am old, fat, bald, riddled with health issues that keep me from going out, where would I find someone if I don't even have a desire or energy to go out and look anymore. And I can't have anyone at my house anymore because I need my privacy to take care of my health problems.

[Clara22]

Hi Dexter,
I think it is not easy at all but it is not impossible, either. Apart from finding somebody to love is there something else that would make your life better and that you have not had/done yet?

[dexter]

I spent 10 years after my last suicide attempt to actively improve my life, my social circles, etc. 10 years later I'm back in the same place emotionally I was 10 years ago and 10 years worse off in health, attractiveness, and hope.

I'm seeking help and solutions but I don't want to do the same thing I did 10 years ago... admit myself to a hospital and start on anti-depressants--and throw myself back into a new 10 year cycle that ends when I'm in my 60s with me in the same place with the same constant pain.

[dexter]

Sorry I know I'm being really negative. I know it is the depression making me feel so negative. The loneliness exists outside of the depression but without the depression it doesn't make me want to kill myself. I know that. However I'm struggling with reasons to keep struggling with this pain, given that outside of the depression, I am still never really truly happy and unlikely to be and definitely tired of trying. A large part of me feels like I should jump on this opportunity to just end it now while I'm motivated to do so and I've been struggling with that every day.

[Clara22]

Hi Dexter,
Please, do not be sorry about being negative here. We are here to support each other and that means no judgement to me.
I just asked because I found that there is some stuff that makes me feel better and I am trying to stick to it. Sometimes it is not easy but I know that at the end of the day I feel better and can cope better.

[dexter]

Thank you Clara I am trying too. Today I'm feeling really poorly although I was able to get out of the house for some shopping and I paid my monthly bills. No money left over has me feeling low too but that's probably most of the country LOL.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling that way. I pretty much feel the same way. I have never been married and never had any kids. Getting married for me now, or even getting into a loving relationship, seems totally out of the question.

I only have one good friend. He's an old man (80) and he has some limits as to what he can do. He can't drive, so there are times when I feel like when we get together, I have to tote him around. I get sick of it at times. He's not the very best friend I could have, or ever had. There are times that he can get on my nerves with his criticizing. And there had been times that he would make an unwanted advance at me. I'm not the least bit interested in him in a sexual/romantic way. But, he doesn't get it. I wonder if he has Alzheimer's or dementia. One sign of that is if someone acts inappropriately (such as making an unwanted sexual advance).

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by dexter

I have often whined that I do not have anyone in my life to love and take care of. I really want someone in my life to love and take care of.

Now that I am locked into this deep depression I realize I am also missing someone who will love and take care of me when I need it. Whether that be after a heart attack or just wanting someone to hold me and talk to me.

I question whether my depression is real, but I definitely experience the same feelings. Even as I am, just barely, starting to get people in my life, it feels so wrong. I also know I tend to grow apart from people, and lately have had a habit of just using people as receptacles for thoughts and feelings; I hate doing that, but it's spreading into real life now. Even with people I feel alone: getting and feeling genuinely close is almost impossible.

It's frightening and it's painful. And sometimes that hopelessness is just a raw, aching pain with no clear source. I can't offer advice, just commiseration.