Troubles

I can't sleep.

I don't know where to start so I'm just gonna pour out the puzzle pieces and find the corners.

There's the rape.
I don't think these memories will ever stop haunting me. I still never got over this. I still know it's my fault for going back over and over, my fault for drinking and smoking until I lost control. I didn't always not want the sex. The first couple of times weren't so bad. But then I realized what was going on. What I was doing was wrong. Why did I go back? I knew that EVERY TIME it would be over I'd be sad, regretful, and in pain...Wishing that he were someone that I wanted next to me, but that he could never be. Did I like being hurt? I was totally defenseless against him. He was a 58 year old man taller, stronger, and bigger than me. Then there was me...16...110 pounds, 5'6"...I tried to pull away...but he pulled me right back. It's not what I wanted. I didn't want it to be that way...I stopped wanting it. But, why did I go back? It's my fault. I know the one of the first steps to getting over a rape is to stop blaming yourself, but with the facts at hand, I can't help but blame my stupid self.

I hope that soon you will be able to see that you are not to blame. Sometimes it takes a while to understand that. Please take care.

BB

Your reaching, we are here for you, always...

Thinking out loud - I'm sorry your in pain. Sometimes even when we intellectually know something it's hard to make our brain believe it.

What strikes me is that he is 58 and you were 16 - I don't care whether or not you wanted it - he was wrong and you were hurt.

I hope you feel better soon

Tranquility

I'm having friendship problems. I got drunk three weeks ago and ever since then, my best friend "hates" me. I tried talking to him and he won't tell me how to fix this. We still hang out, but there's that dark cloud above us...he won't let go of the past. I got drunk and blacked out and he had to come to my rescue. He took care of me and I thanked him more than I thought I was able to. I'm kissing his *** to make him like me again, like before...but I'm starting to feel like it's not worth it. He just makes me more upset and adds to my depression. I don't want to lose him, but he's not helping me fix my wrong doing.