[guiltier65]

i don't even want to talk today. i just hurt too much. i just want someone to tell me that I am stronger than i think i am. i feel like i am losing the battle with depression. i am alone in my pain and grief. i am not enough to do all that is expected of me. i want to give in....

[Frankbtl]

Hi guiltier

I know that you're a lot stronger than you often give yourself credit for!!
But maybe some of those expectations on you........coming from others........coming from yourself..........are a little "unreasonable"????
For example if you can't do all you think you should be doing or what others seem to expect.........that's completely understandable..........so do you think you could give yourself a bit of a "break", be a little kinder to yourself
And if you need more support.........to reach out to people out there or on here..........please don't see it as a weakness..........that is a strength!!
You don't have to be alone in this, we on here, at least, can be/want to be here for you
You have come so far, and you are stronger than you think

Alison

[guiltier65]

Thanks Alison,
I know that my expectations of myself are not reasonable, but I can't stop the voices that are telling me that I'm not enough and i don't handle things right. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Erica

[Frankbtl]

Hi Erica

I know incessant voices like that can be so hard to deny
But keep remembering that, that is the depression talking..........and whatever they want to say..........you are doing what you can, you have so much to cope with so of course things aren't going to be "easy" but you are doing what you can
In fact you're doing MORE than should be expected of you, so there's not only room to give yourself massive credit but also room for you to give yourself a break from some things too!!!

Alison

[dexter]

I want to reinforce what Frankbtl said, reaching out to the people here and posting your pain is a strength and it is something you do on behalf of yourself because you want to get through this. You can get through this and if posting is helping even a little bit just keep posting. We're here to listen.

[guiltier65]

Thanks Dexter,
There is just too much pain and loss right now. I can't figure out how to get through it. I just hurt too much.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Erica

I can understand how everything must feel so overwhelming right now I'm sorry
And this is just a thought.........but I'm wondering whether it might help to focus on things separately??
I mean you're trying to cope with the depression, with the grieving, with loss, with maybe the old addiction trying to dig it's claws into you (??)............sounds like A LOT going on for you (!!!)........so maybe all the resources you can get could help??
Like trying your doctor about the depression...........
The grieving/loss...........I don't know whether this will help, but I've found quite a few links/forums/support links for grieving/loss looking for you............inc:
Bereavement and Grief Chat Room - Bereavement and Grief Forums - Bereavement and Grief Community - Social Networking - Online Bereavement and Grief Support Group - HealthfulChat
Grief Chat Rooms ? Chat Rooms For Grief Support on Loss of a Loved One | Grief Hope Network
Online Grief Support - A Social Community - Don't grieve alone
Like I said I really don't know if they may help but...........
Addiction..............maybe the groups you've found or AA could help you through this really difficult time.............
And of course I'd hope you've got us/PC way up there on your support list!!
Like I said just a thought though...........

And maybe try focusing on just getting through one day at a time............one day, then the next day, then the next, then the next.............things can get easier, in time, with the right support, and we're with you in this

Alison

[dexter]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

Thanks Dexter,
There is just too much pain and loss right now. I can't figure out how to get through it. I just hurt too much.

Sometimes for me just acknowleging it helps me get through one more day or one more night. Posting it here is a form of acknowledgement of the pain and that you have some hope for recovery.

Temporary I know but take whatever steps toward the goal of feeling better.

[guiltier65]

It feels like God is just shovelling more crap down on me. I am under siege. My dad is having surgery tomorrow for a bowel obstruction and my mom is leaning on me so hard. I am expected to be so strong, but things just keep happening. no time to grieve/process before the next load hits. I feel so overwhelmed and alone.

[elevatedsoul]

i completely understand how you feel...
just dont know what to do...
it is not easy... its actually the most difficult thing i have ever tried to deal with...
i can say a couple things...
you are not alone ...
and you are very strong... to live with this pain... you have to be stronger than anyone...
stronger than you feel... stronger than you ever thought you could or would be...
but its not because we are weak that we feel these things...
its because we've been strong for so long...
doesnt have to be the end... just have to keep fighting with every last ounce of energy... even though we feel like there is no more energy to spend... have to kick up some tinder and throw a spark on it... have to make the energy sometimes... sometimes from nothing at all... but we can do it.... just have to keep fighting....

some people find talking to god helps...
for me talking to god has just been making things worse...
so you just have to remember that you are a human being... and being human means that we didn't ask for these things... and we dont deserve these feelings... it just happened to us... we have to live life differently from others...
and we have to be stronger than anyone else...

you are not alone... maybe we can find strength in each other... to see our own strength...
stay strong... i know how weak you feel... we are here for you...

[guiltier65]

Thanks Elevated,
It is so easy for me to get lost in the pain... that I forget all the strength that is within me. I do find that communicating here is helpful and reminds me that I'm not alone. But I just get so tired of the constant battle. Fortunately, i'm feeling philosophical today and can say that it's all part of being a human on this planet.
But let's be honest. I don't always understand why my mind works this way. Other people seem to be able to keep going.... keep muscling through the pain.... appreciate their lives the way they are. Why can't I ? Why is every day a new battle, a new struggle without hope of peace let alone joy? What is wrong with me?

[elevatedsoul]

i feel the same

dunno how others seem to manage... dunno how i managed this long...
but i just tell mysef - stop - you have to stop... because my mind will race with bad thoughts, and im sure you can imagine the things that goes through my mind...
so i end up just drinking or drugging to make the thoughts slow down...

i say to myself countless times everyday "what is wrong with me..."
but i have no clue... im just a little broken, well... i guess more like shattered to pieces... but i know i am still human and i am alive... and i feel like i have to keep on... for all of the people that want to live and cant live because of physical issues - complications during birth - or whatever... the babies that didnt make it a day on this planet and stuff...
i try to tell myself its not fair if i just give up.... does that make sense to you..?

its really hard... i feel alot of pain and everything... i do have way too many bad habits... but i just try to numb the pain without making it stop all together...
so that maybe tomorrow i'll have an answer to "what is wrong with me.."

it sucks feeling so empty, broken, lost, alone, weak, pathetic, condemned or tortured, all of those things...
but some how we have survived this long... and i know there are people who would trade places with me just to be able to stay alive... ( i mean if they knew how bad i was maybe not but maybe so, i dunno..)
so i just try to find strength in that stuff... in others that are going through the same thing...
i know it seems impossible ... and seems like cant understand how anyone can have strength through these things... and its completely understandable to lose all faith and hope when experiencing these things... i wouldnt think someone to be human if they experienced all of this and was still joyful and happi.. at peace? i dunno... im sorry if none of my posts make much sense, my mind has been going haywire for a while...

i guess what i mean is, i dunno how im still alive... i dont feel like i have ANY strength left at all to keep fighting... very very weak... disappointed... scared.... i have been telling myself for weeks / months (not sure how long..) to just give up, why wont you just give up stupid *****?
dunno why i dont.... i guess i just want to be strong for everyone else... its not so much for me.... but because i know how it feels and hope if i can survive... maybe i can help someone else be stronger and maybe help them get well too....

i dont have any strength, besides all of you who know what i am going through are my strength... know what i mean...?
hope that makes sense...

i wish i had more solid advice to give you - step by step what to do...
just try to be good to yourself, take care of yourself best you can.. try to limit the bad habits if you can... and replace them with good habits .... but i know how it is...

you are definitely not alone...