Ideation

i've been trying to channel everything i have into my talents... even though the depression is kicking my butt - am trying to do my music stuff...
creativity can help if you can get yourself to try do it...

its hard though because when you are like this you lose interest in absolutely everything...
but have to try i love making music... cry sometimes that i dont enjoy it as much as i could (and as much as i used to) if i was not ill...

Pfrog, it seems I can't message you privately, so I'll just put the thought here. Regarding the article I posted about victim mentality - I think this is the first time I've ever detected an accusatory tone in a discussion of self-sabotage. Because that's what affected me the most: how things like negative self-talk, self-blame, etc are totally the fault of the individual and contribute to victim mentality (also new - I typically hear that as a separate issue).

In some way, I know that that's the entire cause of why I feel so bad: it's all internal things. That I don't believe I have much control over, at the very least because they're true. It always has been. But cutting to the chase - surely a person who causes their own pain, who is entirely at fault for feeling terrible, does not deserve to get better. Their weakness, stupidity, manipulation, and failure of character surely outweigh that, if such can even be fixed. No wonder they point out a child can't "consciously accept" it. An adult even can't.

At the same time - and god this sounds pathetic - who wants to live with no internal life? No psychodrama, no feeling at the hands of unseen forces like the unconscious? Control is its own kind of death. I mean, if total control over all emotions and psychological forces is what's necessary to be an adult with character... is it worth it? To go through life mechanically, with all feelings managed and every action and thought regulated... what's that? Because that's how I see emotional control and control of thoughts.

Still in no danger, and this post is too long. Tomorrow I'll just be trying again, starting again. It's all I can really do.

It's not a scene, it's what happens here. Share as much as you want.

Okay: just spent the last 20 min or so paranoid and researching internet security. Reading about what can be done to a person with innocuous info scared the hell out of me, as did talk about NOT giving out personal info - a problem as I tend to be pretty free with that, and there's nothing about what, if anything can be done about it. This all stemmed from one person's comment about being paranoid about their security, which reminded me of another older comment from someone in tech who says she never shares pictures of herself because all someone needs is one pic to get all your information... I rarely post pictures because I don't have a camera, but I'd post more if I was better looking and had a camera....

The point of this post is how my mind works - how easy it seems to be for me to worry about the most random things from the most random comments. And I don't even mean to or try to. No wonder certain topics can hit me hard enough to wonder if I can't live anymore. Hell, these concerns scare me into wondering what might be done to me - but I don't really have the means for this right now. Stupid, stupid anxiety. no wonder I'm a mess.

I'm ultimately fine...just touchy, I guess. Death isn't really on my radar, just tickling the back of my mind.

^ Thanks for that.

my last couple of posts should have gone in the daily comments thread...I seem to wMrry about everything out of nowhere. Yes, this is an apology for using this thread as a journal for everything yesterday, however irrelevant. Though, it's quite easy to feel like you're doing all of life wrong after you wonder if you deserve to die so early in the morning.

And something relevant I had wanted to say: I should have seen it coming. In the days leading up to yesterday I was constantly tired, bored and frustrated by everything, Sad for me reason and alternatingly calm and hysterical. Should have known something was going on in my head.

Think I'm just moving on today... thanks guys.

Thanks Pfrog!

What annoys me about the "victim mentality" blame game is this: if someone really has one, if the concept is valid, it can't possibly be pleasant to put oneself in a victim role all the time. For every victim, there has to be a victimizer, therefore to me the "victim mentality" is like a form of induced masochism that just repeats itself. So, is berating or criticizing a person roleplaying (reliving, in a sense) a victim role likely to make them less masochistic or less self-blaming? I doubt it! That's like yelling at a person with a broken leg for not moving any faster. It's not going to heal the leg!!

(Major rant edited out. Too much caffeine, lol.)

I guess what I'm saying is, if someone really is repeatedly putting themselves in a subordinate position and attacking themselves, it makes sense to break the news gently and actually help.

Both of y'all are welcome ... We may not can help how it came about or how or when it comes on, but once we're aware we're engaging in the behavior again, we can certainly put the brakes on, shift gears and ponder ways to be kinder to ourselves ... That's always a good thing!