I don't know...

I dont know where to post... I am losing my mind...
I feel like I am losing my mind atleast...
what is happening to me...
I'm scared that my mind is going to break...
and that i will not be myself anymore...
I am going insane...
I am scared but i feel so out of touch...
Its like i am not afraid but i am afraid...
I don't want to lose my mind completely...
I am trying so hard... I don't know what to do...
who am I... what am i.... what is happening....
oh my god I am deteriorating...
I can feel the thing we call psyche (psychological state) being changed...
Its like it is fluid... I feel like the balloon is going to burst and the fluid that makes up the psyche is going to disperse...
Feel like I am losing myself... but where am i going...
I have been trying so hard lately it is just making it so much worse...
Thinking back over all of this time...
i just... i wasn't there for any of it...
I have no clue what has transpired over the... well... i don't know anything...
All i can recall are vague memories of moments... for my entire life... not complete memories at all... maybe just a memory of stepping outside the door and then its blank... i dont know anything from today either...

I have been trying to read about dissociation if that is what is happening...
but i don't know If it can be dissociation... because it is so constant...
I am losing my mind... all i want is to have a life...
I am so scared I am going to break... or maybe i have already broken...

I don't know what to do... i cant express what im feeling...
its confusing the hell out of me....
a split second nothing feels real... the next second is like im rejistering that this has to be real... then the next second i feel like this is just something i am watching and it doesnt really matter what i do because its going to happen anyway, or i dont really have the control to make things happen...
its so constant... sometimes i can distract myself and i just space out and then its time to lay down and wake up and go through it all again a different day... I don't know what is happening to me...

I don't know what to say... please stop ... i just want it to stop...
i need to know i am going to be ok... but I feel like I am really not ok and its so bad and its getting worse...

like me losing control the other day... I can remember that... I dont remember what set it off but i just remember coming to and being really mad and cursing and confused... I'm just so afraid but part of me is giving up i feel it... part of me is dissipating... and that part of me doesn't care anymore...

I'm becoming a monster...

maybe im just a fraud.... afff...

i mean.. is it possible all of this is fake...
what if i am making all of this up... is that even possible...

my body is shaking like i am cold.. i am going to sit in the shower....

You have been so supportive of me in the past I just wanted to stop by and leave a hug here

Try to calm your mind. Find something to focus on. Read something simple, like a dictionary or kid's book. This will focus your mind and then you can figure out how you feel or what is happening. My thoughts get scattered when I am under stress or anxious. Instead of going with my feelings and panicking, I try to focus like above. Some panic symptoms can last for hours or days. You don't have to be having a full blown panic attack.

Hugs!!

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im ok.. confused but im ok..
just dont know who i am anymore i guess...
slept for 15½ hours... just have to go 1 day at a time i guess...
its just that i dont feel alive anymore... sometimes nothing really feels real or like anything matters...
i don't know if i will ever get better... or if i can get better even...

i used to think it was just anxiety and depression... simple enough i thought...
but it seems to be alot more... something is really really wrong with my mind...
im losing myself... who i am... or i have already lost...
im stuck on áutopilot... or something like that...

most of the time i just sit at my computer and just stare off into the distance...
try to occupy my mind sometimes by playing a video game or listening to music but it doesnt work much like it used to..
when talking to other people its not things i want to say... because usually i just want to scream and run away... words just come out...

the rest of the time i just try to numb everything with substances...

im just tired... so tired.. i want to be "normal"...
im afraid of myself... afraid my mind is going to cut "me" out of the loop completely...
what if i blackout and wake up 3-10 years later and not know anything...
i mean i cant remember the last year already but what if i just lose the last grip of "control" i have left..?

my life is not no where near as stressful as it used to be... but it seems everything triggers me... im just so tired... but im ok... there isn't anything i can do...
nothing anyone can do...
i just hope i can last long enough to try to get help...
if i develop psychotic features im going to lose it... i feel psychotic enough ... to start hearing more things than my own rants and ramblings... to see things.. i couldn't handle it...

i still have my left over antipsychotics though.. so if that happens hopefully they will help...
i just hate being afraid... hate this... these feelings..
but its like i said last night... seems like part of me feels completely indifferent... and feels like that part is getting stronger... what if that part takes over my mental control... snapping into a completely different persona...
that part of me does not feel good... seems like that part of me doesnt care about anything or anyone... i dunno i just feel like there is someone else living inside of me that is taunting and calling me out and blaming me for everything...
and as im getting weaker that part grows... i just have never heard anything about something like that before... always thought everyone has this 1 person inside that feels everything - the good and the bad and thats the part that they are connected with and talk to..

for example this part of me that im talking about is so vulgar... i mean i feel like it has to be "me" but it is not my personality at all... i don't curse EVER... im gentle caring kind and loving blablabla... but this part of me is so full of hate... so dark... almost evil it seems... it hates me... it hates everyone... the only thing it seems to like is drugs and sex... but i don't have a relationship so no sex - just drugs... and hate...
i dont know.. it just doesnt feel right... its not who i am... not me... '

is that normal...?

i dunno what to think or do so im just going to sit here for a while and try to contemplate.. things...
im just going to drink some coffee and try not to cry...

be strong everyone...

oh elevatedsoul, my heart cries and breaks with you and for you as I read your words. I understand some of what you say,and identify so well with what you describe. I wish I had words of wisdom and comfort, but all i can do is say what you have often told me. "hang on, and look for the light" take care of yourself my friend and keep reaching up!

HUGS!!

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((((((((elevatedsoul))))))))

If you ever need someone to talk to or anything, I'll listen. You're such a caring person, it sucks to hear what you're going through. I don't know your whole story, but I hope help comes soon for you too!

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thanks for the support... i dont talk about any of whats going on in my mind with anyone so its something thats really hard to talk about or explain or express or whatever...

basically i've gone through just about every trauma i can imagine...
psychotic step brother torture... tried to kill me a few times... ect...
physical, mental, sexual abuse...
foster care...
domestic violence... parental...
car accident..
fell out of a tall tree and scarrd me up blacked out..
probably things i cant remember... i just remember very little and short bursts of memories..
all before i was 9 years old...
and now its like my memory is totally screwed up and cant remember anything from back then or from this morning

its a pathetic story and i dunno how to express any of it really...
i dont like pity or whatever because it makes me feel weak...
but im trying to learn that its ok ... some people just really do care...
im better today in some aspects, but other aspects have gotten worse..
like im alot better at bottling everything up and hiding things, but everything bothers me more...

but i try really hard, i really do... dunno why i cant just get better
im ok... i keep telling myself im ok... ill be fine...
please dont feel bad for me

Have you ever been checked for a traumatic brain injury? I've heard of tbi's causing memory problems.

I can understand that it's hard to talk about. There are lots of things I feel the same way about. I just want to offer my support

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i haven't had any kind of tbi examinations or whatever.. how do you check for that?
i know in the car accident (with my psychotic step brother) he was going atleast 90mph on the 60mph highway and ran off the straight stretch what felt like on purpose and we crashed over the bank on the train tracks... 2 of my younger brothers were with us too and we were supposed to just be riding to the dump.. but i hit my head on the front windshield hard enough to crack the windshield.. and all i remember after that is someone pulling up and saying "you need to get out of here the cops are coming" and i think we walked through the woods to home but i cant really remember... its really hard for me to remember how old i was when these things happened but i know i couldn't of been more than 6...?
something like that could of caused some kind of damage i suppose - im going to read about TbI a little and see if it adds up any

i've been hurt alot i guess
but what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger... eventually

oh dear, can i die from an undiagnosed/untreated traumatic brain injury?

from what i've read mild tbi should recover within a year?
was so long ago i dunno if that could be it?

ES, the chances of your dying from a childhood injury are slim now. You may have life-long issues as a result of it though. I had a head injury when I was about 3 and have realized it has affected me all my life. Also like you, I've had other injuries along the way, so who knows what caused what? If you haven't told your doc about all of these, do so. Then you can be evaluated as to what you can fix and what you can't.

thanks... i've never really thought about any kind of damage like that being done so im going to definitely talk about it as soon as i can with a profesional and see what i should do.. i guess even if there wasnt any real physical damage there still psychological damage

just gotta wait until april 4th to see if they will award me the benifits so i can get the insurance and get proper treatment once and for all - really nervous about that because they seem to have just brushed off most of the things i've told them so far...

in the first denial they even had the reason i was requesting help wrong!
they said something like "we see no reason to believe that your heart problems will keep you from working"
i was like, heart problems? all i told them is went to the ER a few times thinking i was having a heart attack... told them i was diagnosed with panic disorder / bipolar(at that time) gad, ptsd and stuff and they just ignored all of that it seem.. then the second denial it was like they thought i was not a severe case or was malingering or something

the "system" is so annoying :/

since i have a disability lawyer now and have alot more medical records im hoping that the judge will see that im in dire need.. i might even breakdown crying in the court because im going to be so nervous without any type of benzo to calm me down...
maybe i can get a klonopin from my aunt for when i go - she might do that... or xanax from my cousin, hate taking away from their med though because they need them too and also its illegal to take others meds!! but its an emergency

Oh no, I didn't mean to scare you!! A former professor had a tbi, so I learned a lot about it from her, and all the ways it can affect people. She specializes now in counselling people with tbi's. I kind of just butted in with my opinions, but I thought it could be worth something.

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its ok
it didnt really scare me, just something that i hadn't thought about before!
appreciate it because it may be important thing to look into

after so many years i feel pretty certain it cant kill me... just worried about maybe a tumor or something ... but i dont have frequent headaches so i dunno... but when i do have a headache its terrriibblee...
a throbbing pain through the whole head but that could just be from stress i guess.. its not very often, maybe 1 a month or less even

when i went to the psychologist for the last evaluation i told him i wanted to figure out what was going on because ididnt believe i had bipolar and believed it to be mdd and adhd looking like bipolar and also told him that im worried that if its not adhd then maybe its a tumor!
but im thinking its not... since i dont have seizures or faint or have frequent headaches and other things..
but i guess you never know until you see a professional about it...
hoping i get the insurance because i have a pdoc i really want to go to because he seems to be really understanding and interested in whats going on instead of just prescribing meds .. its just too expensive for me to pay out of pocket to go to him or any other pdoc really..
and GP wont give me any more meds besides the wellbutrin because "im a complex case" she wants me to go to pdoc.. i understand that but she could atleast put me back on the klonopin since she can see on the records that i was taking them and she even gave me refills for klonopin once or twice - oh well

im doing ok today though... strangely... because i dont have any cigs or any other things to chemically "distract" my mind..

i think its because the "judgement day" is coming close and im hopeful that i can convince the judge to help... if i was a judge and looked at my case i would be like GIVE HIM WHATEVER HE WANTS!!! THIS GUY NEEDS OUR HELP STAT

but i guess we all know how those people can be :/

i dont really care about the money they would give me with the benifits... even though that would help tremendously.. i just really need the insurance ya know ?
crossing everything on/in my body that i can for luck (even though i dont believe in luck)

Yuck! I get those headaches, I think they are stress related, for me anyway. They always start when I wanna cry, and get worse if I do.

I hope you get insurance too. It's too hard to do anything without it. I went 6 years with my arthritis undiagnosed because I didn't have insurance. And thank god I didn't try going then! The clinic I go to charges $50 to put a needle in your arm so they can draw blood. Plus my medication is like $4,000 a month, so I'm thankful for good insurance.

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