I've been in hospital for about a week and a half. Didn't want to go so they had to section me. I can't say that I've noticed any improvement as yet...if anything I'm feeling worse. So agitated all the time and on the brink of doing something destructive. I've managed to control it so far by just punching walls and hitting me head. Really need to cut and I've desperately been hunting all this time for something sharp, trying different things. Wish I smoked so I had access to a lighter...

I managed to bring something back onto the ward today without initially realising. Now it is hidden for later. I'm hoping it will do the trick.

Really want to be asleep right now. But I just can't switch off. Had my normal meds, sleep meds and other PRN and yet I'm still wide awake at 2:30am.

I also managed to destroy my phone a couple of days ago feeling very out of touch with the world.

I'm getting angry so easily, and that just isn't me normally. Hope they can actually so something with my meds..so sick of feeling this way. Want to just go home but I can't want to do a runner...but I'm on escorted leave only right now.

Feel so trapped. And I still have such strong suicidal urges. Is this ever going to end?

[StillIntending]

I'm so sorry. [sadhug] I know this may seem paltry to you right now, but I was suicidal every day for most of 2015, and I've only just started noticing this week that I've started to get better. That's not to say I've recovered. I haven't. I still have suicidal days, I still sometimes cut, and I am still extremely, debilitatingly depressed. But. This used to be every day for me and I thought I would never be able to think of anything else. Now I'm slowly, oh so very slowly, starting to maybe find happiness again.
I wish you luck, friend. I'm praying for you right now as I type this message. You can do this. I know you can. I'm so sorry you have to go through this but please know that there are people who care and a place you can turn to. That's what PC is for. I hope we can be of service.

[TheOriginalMe]

It does get better but sometimes there are lots of false starts along the way. I got better and I believe that you can too.

I hope you find the strength and courage to get through this.

A good start would be to care about yourself enough to take whatever it is you've hidden to harm with and turn it in to the nurse's station ...

It's been 23 years for me, and looking back I'm so proud of how far I've come because back then I never thought it would get better ... It took about 7 years before things even began to look up a little ... The rest of it hasn't been a walk in the park, but even so, I'm glad I've held on and made different decisions that have made this very moment in time possible!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[elevatedsoul]

im sorry you are having such a hard time...
i know thats what everyone says and its cliche... and it doesnt help much... but i truly know how it feels to be at the end of the rope...
but i know how hard it is to want to release some of that pain... self harm seems to help momentarily but i know its not a solution... its not something that is going to make me feel better - it actually makes me feel worse about myself because the scars are reminders... having to cover up ...

i know you just want to feel a little better - release some of the hurt.. but its not a good thing to do... you are in the hospital to try to improve your situation... is there someone there you can talk to about it? can you try learning new way to release the pain without self harm...? i tried the rubber band thing for a while - it help a little but it just kind of seems like another way to inflict pain ... but atleast it not as dangerous as cutting right..?
please try not to do it... like pfrog says maybe you can give up the tool you found... please try to protect yourself... they want to protect you too ...
i hope someone there can try to help you learn new coping mechanism that can work for you and help you stop... i know how hard it is to stop though please be safe...

i have only been inpatient one time so im not completely familier with how it works but the place i went to they had 8 group meetings a day... i didnt want to do them of course but i made myself do it so they would let me out earlier... i was there for 8 days i think...
but talking about the problems does help... its been 2days since i have sh i think... please dont do it

we have to learn better ways...

i read somewhere that some people were taking a red magic marker and drawing lines instead of cutting and they said it helped a little but i never tried it...

you in my thoughts...

[waterknob1234]

I am so sorry you are struggling. Hang in there. You are a good person and we love you. Sending hugs your way.

[Fuzzybear]

[Humpty Dumpty]

Ugh I feel for ya. Having been in two mental hospitals myself I am very surprised they let you have access to the Internet. I hope things get better for you.

[waterknob1234]

Hi HalloweenSkye. I was thinking of you and praying for you. How are you doing? Hope things are getting better. I know last summer I hit rock bottom. That was the beginning of a journey upward for me.

You are a good person. I will keep praying that things get better for you.

Hey, how are you doing?

Thinking of you.

Thinking of you.

I am home! Sorry for not responding sooner... Undecided how I feel currently, but I am at least able to keep myself safe for now.

This admission seems to have caused my mental health team to consider alternatives for treatment. One of them being a long term inpatient setting with therapy.. Apparently they are having a professionals meeting about me next week to discuss options. I also managed to finally get a pdoc to listen and agree with my doubts on my diagnosis of BPD after nearly four years.

So things are pretty up in the air right now. Not sure what is next for me but hopefully I will know more next week..

[elevatedsoul]

so happy for you

its so frustrating to have doctors and therapists and everyone to be telling you that you have one thing when you are disputing it and researching it and trying to explain why you dont think you have that thing going on but they just dont listen... hope that they will look into this further with you - it took me 1600$ and a new psychologist to prove i didnt have bipolar...