[guiltier65]

so, I'm reading a book given to me by my therapist about emotional maturity.... and realizing a few things i already kind of knew. Like the fact that my emotional maturity has been stunted by neglect from my parents and the traumas i experienced as a young adult. no big deal i can muscle through that stuff. what is torturing me is the fact that my own lack of emotional maturity caused me to neglect and abuse my own children. it hurts so badly to realize what i did them emotionally and some physically. I am just sick at heart thinking about it. I love my kids dearly and the pain i have brought into their lives is more than i can bear. How do i work through this? I hurt so badly that i want to cut, but i know that will just lead to more guilt and shame.... drinking is out for the same reason. I have no one i can reach out to IRL because i have done a great job of isolating myself. I am alone to deal with an agony i cannot bear. I want to close the door to my office and have a good cry but what good would that do?

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Hey

It's okay to cry, there's no shame in letting your feelings out and accepting them as feelings

As for emotional maturity, I think it's all there and you don't know it I want to take it word by word. If we were to talk about maturity, you are clearly mature and aware of the fact that something has to be done in order to solve a problem, and talking about emotions, you clearly have emotions toward the situation and toward your kids Putting those two words together, you do understand feelings, and you do manage your emotions by for example holding your cry. The only thing you need, since all the element are absolutely there, is to simply gain a little more focus. For example, start doing little things for your kids, take them somewhere and have a nice dinner, and allow them to talk about their days, and then be curious about it all, and then, they will start noticing that you do care, because you really love them and you really care about them Then do other things, be connected with their interests maybe, and after taking all the necessary steps, once you see that you're making your kids smile, then you're the happiest person ever

I hope I was helpful in some way shape or form You can tell me that I'm misunderstanding something, it's okay!

Many hugs!

[guiltier65]

you didn't misunderstand. The only problem is that my children are grown now. My daughter is almost 30, son is 26 and another son is 24. My daughter is very good at manipulating me with the guilt and reminders of the past. My middle son is an alcoholic with relationship issues, and the youngest is a perfectionist. It is so painful to realize that the issues they struggle with are directly my fault.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

you didn't misunderstand. The only problem is that my children are grown now. My daughter is almost 30, son is 26 and another son is 24. My daughter is very good at manipulating me with the guilt and reminders of the past. My middle son is an alcoholic with relationship issues, and the youngest is a perfectionist. It is so painful to realize that the issues they struggle with are directly my fault.

The fact that you feel guilt for past mistakes shows how much you love your children and that you are a good person . I few years ago with a combination of mental health problems and drug and alcahol abuse , I made many mistakes and was emotionally neglectful . as a result my children live with their father and I see them during holidays like now . I love my children so much like you love yours. We are better parents now , that matters. Forgive yourself . please don't beat yourself up. I know its easier said than done . pm me any time 😊💕

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[elevatedsoul]

we have to move forward from the past... everyone makes mistakes...
we cant change the past... but we can change the future by changing the right now...
maybe reconciliation is in order?
try not to be too hard on yourself... we all have made mistakes... im haunted with some too...

[Fuzzybear]

Oh bummer
I haven't read the whole post yet for which I apologise

"Lack of emotional maturity"
"Stunted"?
Such pejorative, blame laden terms
These people who write this stuff aren't wise. They aren't even smart IMHO


I have not had Cubs, partly thanks to the abuse of a therapist.

So I can only sympathise with some of the pain you're feeling

[DesigningWoman]

I came from an abusive past with parents and peers. It does make me feel both guilt and shame. It very much impedes my social and familial relationships.
I held my niece probably three times her entire babyhood. I didn't want to those times. I rarely even touched her. I was terrified of doing something wrong. I couldn't bond with her even though I love her.
All I can say is that we did the best we could in those given circumstances.
Also it's never too late to work on gaining these skills. It's never too late to tell your kids you love them and try to move forward and interact as a healthier you.

[Ladycakes]

As a child of emotionally and physically abusive parents I can attest to the importance of you owning up to your behaviour in order to try and heal your relationship with your children. Just taking steps to be in their lives isn't going to heal any damage nor is it going to clear your conscience.

If my parents apologised for the things they did to me and my siblings it would open up a whole new world. It is only recently in my 34 years that I have realised just how much our own upbringing and experiences form who we are as people and as parents. I understand now that the way my parents were raised and things they experienced are very much to blame for the things I experienced as a child and subsequently, the person I am as an adult and the things I allowed in my life that have been damaging. I understand how my parents are victims of their own traumas, and it had given me a great deal of sympathy for them. But it doesn't negate their behaviours and it would still mean so much of they could admit and apologise for their actions.

But that is also a really big thing for you to do, because you'll need to come to terms with the specifics of what you yourself did. You could discuss with your therapist the possibility of addressing your parenting errors with your kids. You'll need to really figure out how to do it so that they understand that you have been a victim of your own experiences too and how sorry you are for what you have done, without making it seem like youre making an excuse or passing the buck. You truly sound like you want to make amends with your kids and help them with their own issues, perhaps you can channel this sincerity to forgive yourself and open communications with your kids. Good luck xx

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[guiltier65]

I actually spoke with my daughter on Friday pm and asked her forgiveness for the pain of the past. She explained that she understood that I was not physically well ( depression, anger, and PTSD) or getting the medication and support i needed. I felt that a huge burden was lifted from my chest. I need to have the same conversation with her brothers, but I'm thankful that I opened the door and took the first step.

[Ladycakes]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I actually spoke with my daughter on Friday pm and asked her forgiveness for the pain of the past. She explained that she understood that I was not physically well ( depression, anger, and PTSD) or getting the medication and support i needed. I felt that a huge burden was lifted from my chest. I need to have the same conversation with her brothers, but I'm thankful that I opened the door and took the first step.

That is amazing! Well done. You should feel pretty proud of yourself. Even though you have a history you're not proud of, you can definitely make the future something happy and meaningful.

[little turtle]

dear guiltier----good post...I am also guilt ridden...I am guilty of a lot....im not sure it has to do with emotional maturity.....this is a tough topic...I let my family down when I broke down...I have a mental illness....I feel guilty...can you help me

[elevatedsoul]

that really is wonderful, making reconciliations may really help you to feel better, releasing some of the load you carry (depression wise)

keep fighting
we have to get rid of this stigma somehow and educate people that we dont choose these things but that it just happens and we feel horrible about it where alot of people think we are just being lazy or whatever...
but i can guarantee if they felt half of the symptoms we feel, they would go crazy

[guiltier65]

You're exactly right El! I wish people could understand our illness.... I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone but if feeling a fraction of the darkness we feel would remove the stigma I would say go for it! I've encountered more lack of understanding from people who should be more understanding than I care to admit. On the other hand, I can say I've had others lately who have simply loved me through some of the darkest times.... That means a lot to me!

[little turtle]

mental illness is in the dark....we all need to bring it to light without the anger...
it is hard to understand....I don't really know what is causing all this mental stuff..
it is scary...I am afraid...I am angry

[little turtle]

guilt and shame....you are right...awash in all the GUILT possible...I am my worst enemy...the enemy within....it doesn't stop...what causes this

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by little turtle

guilt and shame....you are right...awash in all the GUILT possible...I am my worst enemy...the enemy within....it doesn't stop...what causes this

I think I need to start being my best friend....that is someone that may support me...not my mother....she is dead....not my father...he never wanted me...I think my father was a very big problem for me....I hated him...I hated him...how could he treat me that way...I am tired of making excuses for him...

[little turtle]

I don't think it is the stigma outside...with others...what is killing me is the stigma that I have about myself...I was a failure in some ways...but I was measuring myself with people who were more successful....like people who didn't have a mental illness...I have to get even more comfortable with me having a mental illness....I have a mental illness...big deal...I am making it too big a deal...

[guiltier65]

little turtle,
It is easy to compare ourselves with others and find ourselves lacking. I don't know if I agree with the concept of getting comfortable with mental illness. I think accepting the diagnosis is good, but I don't ever want to give in and use my illness as an excuse to not be the best person I can be or play the victim. I've caught myself doing that many times over the years and I know that I can become lazy or complacent when I do that. Mental illness is a big deal, but it doesn't have to define us.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

little turtle,
It is easy to compare ourselves with others and find ourselves lacking. I don't know if I agree with the concept of getting comfortable with mental illness. I think accepting the diagnosis is good, but I don't ever want to give in and use my illness as an excuse to not be the best person I can be or play the victim. I've caught myself doing that many times over the years and I know that I can become lazy or complacent when I do that. Mental illness is a big deal, but it doesn't have to define us.

thanks guiltier---I am embarrassed still about a panic attack that I had in front of all the other doctors at my hospital...I was presenting and I had my first attack ever...it was like having a seizure...it was unreal and terrifying...somehow I still feel guilty about that happening..and I am a retired so called successful psychiatrist...

[guiltier65]

Originally Posted by little turtle

thanks guiltier---I am embarrassed still about a panic attack that I had in front of all the other doctors at my hospital...I was presenting and I had my first attack ever...it was like having a seizure...it was unreal and terrifying...somehow I still feel guilty about that happening..and I am a retired so called successful psychiatrist...

I'm sorry little turtle... Why be embarassed about something you could not control? I can only imagine how frightening that must have been for you...

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I'm sorry little turtle... Why be embarassed about something you could not control? I can only imagine how frightening that must have been for you...

thanks guiltier65.....I couldn't help it...it just happened....it really caused me eventually to breakdown....7 years after that attack I could no longer practice...I was a half broken down doctor trying to help others with their breakdowns..i used to cry a lot alone...