I don't know how I got to this point in my life. But I've come to the conclusion that just about every stupid decision I've made, every wrong turn down a blind alley, was a result of untreated depression.

And I feel so stupid that it's taken me this long to even realize that!

Here I am, 55 years old, no kids, no friends, no job, no achievements in life, nothing to show for my time on this earth.

For years I've spent my days alone, and now I sit in front of this computer for hours every day. I am so lonely. I'm looking into a volunteer job and a class, but I know it won't make me feel any less alone. In fact, being around other people who have friends and families just makes me feel more alienated.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't been able to take care of myself, to make good decisions, to grow and move forward in life, to build anything or even maintain any relationships other than my marriage.

For years I used alcohol and drugs to cope with extreme shyness and depression but the decisions I made under the influence only hurt me more. I've since quit drinking, etc. ... but the damage is done.

Now I have two major life-threatening illnesses, a life expectancy of 63, and nothing but regrets.

[Leed]

Dear Laura ~ You should be very proud of yourself for quitting drinking! That's a major accomplishment -- I know cause I had to do it myself, after a drinking career of 20 years. I now have alot of sober years under my belt, but still it wasn't easy to quit and I know it wasnt for you either. So KUDOS to you for stopping!

We all have regrets, but if all we do is think about what we DON'T have we lose sight of what we DO have. We all have been blessed with many things, one of which is life.

Yes, many of us deal with serious illnesses. But does that mean we should stop living? NO. WE need to embrace what we have and the time we have. None of us knows what tomorrow brings, or even if there WILL be a tomorrow because it's not promised to any of us. All we have is today, and we need to live like today is all any of us has.

We can start over at any time, Laura - and it's not too late to begin again. Start a life of joy and gratitude and believe me, you'll see the rewards. I wish you the very best Laura, God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks, Leed, I know I should be grateful, I should be happy I'm alive, etc. I feel guilty that I don't, along with everything else I feel guilty about. But that's part of depression. Depression makes it hard to see that life is a blessing, and frankly, it has also made it impossible for me to just jump up and "start a life of joy". I wish I could. I guess if I could suddenly turn my thoughts around to joy, gratitude and blessings, I wouldn't be depressed. But I've tried and it's just not that easy.

I am not complaining about having serious illnesses. I'm just sad that so much of my life has been wasted and there isn't a lot of time left.

[CgRgSm]

LauraCarroll,

I will just start by saying that I am a 22 year old male, so what I have to say is probably not really anything much at all. Life is complicated, and one thing leads to another, which leads to another, and so on, until you have a very tangled web of things. I wouldn't call any decision a "stupid decision", ever. I would say that you acted based upon the most knowledge that you had at each of those specific points in your life. And that nothing you did was wrong, or your fault at all. We may not know the exact cause of the choices that you made, but everything happens for a reason. I know that for myself, a lot of the things I do are because of my shy personality.

55 years old, I'd consider that an accomplishment. No kids, well, it may seem strange but to me that is also an accomplishment. I'm sorry that you have no friends. I don't have any friends either. I'm sorry that you don't have a job and feel like you haven't accomplished anything. To me, all these things to show for being on earth are just that, all show. That doesn't mean you are a bad person.

I know what you mean when you say you feel more alienated. I feel the same way whenever I am around other people. I am very lonely too.

You got married, that is a major relationship to maintain. I have a feeling I will never have any relationship with anyone. I haven't ever abused drugs or alcohol, and don't plan to, so I don't really understand what you went through there.

I disagree with Leed, I used to have feelings of regret about my life, mostly my high school years, wishing that I would have just gone out with a girl when I had the chance. But now, I don't have any guilt or regret whatsoever. I have accepted that everything I "chose" to do in my past resulted directly from a specific cause. It is believing in pure cause and effect, its called the infinite regression. There is no need for you to feel guilty anymore, you made choices based on your experiences beforehand, and it was the best you could do.

[junkDNA]

i am not going to sit here and type like i pretend i know u and what u are going through.

the only thing i can offer is what most people forget to do first:

i'm listening.

[Leed]

Dearheart, I'm not pretending that I don't know what depressiion is, cause I do. I don't necessarily feel grateful either, but I hate to admit it. LOL I don't particularly feel any joy either. I can't get elated about anything. I hate Chriatmas. I wish they'd ban it. I get SO depressed around that time of year that i could jump off a cliff very easily. And I'm on medication!

I don't think your life has been wasted. I venture to say that you've made an impression on a person or two. Even if it's just one, that's wonderful! That's one person who will remember you.

You've maintained a marriage for what I assume is quite a few years, which nowadays is no easy task! You are to be applauded for that! That's not easy to do when it's so easy to get OUT of a marriage these days!

Depression sucks, I know. Even tho we may have a list of accomplishments a mile long, we can still feel depressed. For me, the only way out of it was therapy and medication. If I hadn't done that, I would have been dead by now. I had to talk to a therapist and get the garbage out from years ago, plus get on medication so that I didn't stuff things anymore like I was used to doing.

Why not try therapy? And/or medication? You need to do something before this depression eats you alive. It will. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks very much, everybody.

CgRgSm, you are very wise. I really appreciate your words. I try to remember exactly what you said, that I did the best I could with the resources (emotional/mental) that I had at the time. But sometimes it's hard to believe or remember that, so it really helps a lot to hear it from somebody else; thank you for that.

junkDNA, listening is so valuable. Thank you. :-)

Lee, thanks for sharing your personal experience and thoughts. I guess I was really reaching out for empathy, so I appreciate your posting again. I do know depression strikes the successful as well as the unsuccessful; I just wish I were the former. I need to learn to accept my life. That's a big one. If I can do that, then I can work on gratitude.

I'm entering my 4th week of Remeron (15mg) and 3rd week of Zoloft (25 mg). So far it's helped the anxiety but ... I just hope it'll work for the depression after a few more weeks. I've never had a lot of luck with therapy, but I did just call a low-cost therapy clinic so hopefully I'll have an appointment by the end of the week.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by LauraCarroll

Thanks, Leed, I know I should be grateful, I should be happy I'm alive, etc. I feel guilty that I don't, along with everything else I feel guilty about. But that's part of depression. Depression makes it hard to see that life is a blessing, and frankly, it has also made it impossible for me to just jump up and "start a life of joy". I wish I could. I guess if I could suddenly turn my thoughts around to joy, gratitude and blessings, I wouldn't be depressed. But I've tried and it's just not that easy.

I am not complaining about having serious illnesses. I'm just sad that so much of my life has been wasted and there isn't a lot of time left.

[arcticwolf]

Cheer up!

I'm also 55, and in a very similar situation. Of course I could tell you that only you have the power to change your situation, but that would be inconsiderate of me. But hang in there, okay? Life isn't all that bad. I'm living at home still with an 80 year-old mother with alzheimer's.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Anonymous32506

I don't know how I got to this point in my life. But I've come to the conclusion that just about every stupid decision I've made, every wrong turn down a blind alley, was a result of untreated depression.

And I feel so stupid that it's taken me this long to even realize that!

Here I am, 55 years old, no kids, no friends, no job, no achievements in life, nothing to show for my time on this earth.

For years I've spent my days alone, and now I sit in front of this computer for hours every day. I am so lonely. I'm looking into a volunteer job and a class, but I know it won't make me feel any less alone. In fact, being around other people who have friends and families just makes me feel more alienated.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't been able to take care of myself, to make good decisions, to grow and move forward in life, to build anything or even maintain any relationships other than my marriage.

For years I used alcohol and drugs to cope with extreme shyness and depression but the decisions I made under the influence only hurt me more. I've since quit drinking, etc. ... but the damage is done.

Now I have two major life-threatening illnesses, a life expectancy of 63, and nothing but regrets.

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Hi, I can relate to most of what you wrote. Sorry to hear that. Depression is really hard to deal with. Although I'm on meds, I get depressed still, especially when I'm stressed out. I have anxiety issues too. Like you, I'm also married w/o any kids, and I also don't work. I haven't for years.

I do regret some of the bad choices that I made in life as well. At least you managed to quit drinking which is NOT easy to do! I still binge drink at home once in awhile, but I'm trying to drink less these days. Also, excessive drinking has contributed to problems with former friends and family members. Not to mention that I got a DUI years ago. That almost destroyed my already fragile marriage.

At least you have your spouse. Sorry to hear about your illnesses- You still have time left to enjoy life, so don't waste what time you have left. There is nothing that you can do to change the past obviously, so try to just learn from your mistakes and move on with your life.

You can still make friends on here, and in real life. You can attend support groups on meetup.com. It's free to join. Talking to others who are lonely and going through the same issues can help you tremendously probably. I only have a few friends, but part of me is always worried that they'll eventually leave me as I can't seem to keep friends around for long.

I'm not exactly sure why that is as I'm a nice person and I'm a good friend to the people that I care about. Maybe I tend to complain a bit to much at times, and be a little to needy for them, idk. I try not to be that way anymore. I'm doing a bit better now. I'm still a work in progress though.

Not having kids is no big deal. Three of my married friends don't have any kids either, and they're doing just fine. They're a lot of work! If you like animals, you should maybe consider getting a cat or a dog. They make the best therapists IMHO- They don't judge you, and they're so cute and nice to cuddle with-

At least you're getting the help that you need by taking meds and going to therapy. Good for you! Maybe taking a mini vacation or going out to dinner and a movie with your spouse might help cheer you up a little. It helps me most of the time. Also, maybe you need to get on different meds or up the dosage? That can help at times. Taking vitamins helps too. Vitamin D, zinc, magnesium, calcium, and B vitamins and fish oil can help with depression I heard.

Don't stop living. Like I said, you still have time left. When you're 63, do you want to look back on the time that you spent doing nothing with regret, or the time that you spent doing something with your spouse? Also, maybe you'll end up living longer than that. Who knows?