[ubicaritasetamor]

Hi all,

I'm going to be completely honest because I don't have much to lose anymore. Honestly, I've been depressed since I was a freshman in college. I think it started with the death of my dad just a couple weeks after classes started. On and off for about 3 years after that, it was minor most of the time, but there were many times when I would say I reached the level of major depression and was mildly suicidal (enough to contemplate, but not enough to plan/implement). Starting probably last summer, I entered another major depressive episode (again, this is my best guess; I've never seen a doctor so I can't be sure--psychology is one of the things I'm studying in college so I'm familiar with the signs but definitely not a doctor by any means), but this time it was different. I don't care to go into much detail about what happened but I had an interaction with another person and from then on started experiencing severe anxiety like I had never experienced before. I had been nervous before, anxious before a big test, all the normal things, but this was different. At first, I was just avoiding the situation where I came into contact with this person--even having a few panic attacks when approaching it after (this is probably a place I should go semi-often so I kept trying to go back but never made it). Then I started having anxiety whenever I would think of this situation...and then it shifted to where I was on edge nearly all the time--regarding school, regarding social situations, my friends, my job, the future, everything. I don't know how or why this happened but it did and the past 6 months have been hell for me. Anxiety has taken over my life and every day for me is spent in fear of everything around me. I can't sleep and that's all I want to do, either I'm not hungry at all or all I want to do is eat just to distract myself from the thoughts I'm having, I can't concentrate, I cry uncontrollably nearly every night. I’ve managed to kick about everyone out of my life who cared by secluding myself. I have one friend who is still sticking around sometimes, but I can’t know how much longer that’ll last. I think he cares, but I know discussing any of this with him would just make him really uncomfortable and I don’t want to take that risk and lose him. & I've started having serious thoughts of suicide. I've had fleeting thoughts like I said for years, but the past 6 months I see no way out anymore. It seems like the only option and I'm so scared. I graduate college next weekend and I have no plans after that. All of this feels like it has stolen my life from me. I've had good and bad semesters and I'm a pretty good student, but this semester has taken its toll and I'm now afraid my dreams of professional school are just that--dreams--and not attainable. For a lot of the time, I worked very, very hard. I can honestly say I tried my hardest given the different circumstances each time, but ultimately I failed. I have an on campus job until the end of the summer and after that I don’t know how I will make a living. The only thing that has stopped me from committing suicide is that I’m afraid of going to hell and disappointing God. I’ve disappointed everyone else and most days I wonder if it’s inevitable that I will disappoint Him as well…

So I don’t really know what I’m asking for here. Advice if you have any would be nice. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. But other than that, I’m sorry for the long message. I just really needed to get this off my chest for once… Peace and best wishes to you all.

[Fizzyo]

Praying like mad.

[basicgoodness]

I will also pray for you. Graduating from college is extremely stressful for just about everybody. I was a Philosophy major and had no job, but I stuck around campus for awhile and worked in the computer lab or something. I had a friend who worked at a residential treatment center for adolescents in upstate New York and I ended up getting a job there. You'll find your way. You will probably hit a few dead ends, but that's OK. You are young. Please do not throw your life away. Your life is worthwhile. Do whatever you can to save it.

[DayAtATime1]

Don't give up! You are still very young, so time is on your side. I am 57 and have struggled with depression since college too. Looking back on it, I wish I had gone to a pdoc in my youth. Between meds and therapy, you will get better! As far as a job, you'll eventually find something. Have you considered going to a pdoc or therapist?

[Marylin]

Hello Ubicaritasetamor
Whatever the incident was with the person that you don't want to talk about that set off the severe anxiety,I think you do need to look at that and get help to emotionally resolve it.
It is that caused your severe depression I think and feelings of suicide.Also finishing college and not having a job can send you into a spiral of despair.Please do not hurt yourself, you sound like a lovely man with everything going for him and all to live for.Your dream of making it to professional school isn't over and is still obtainable.God loves you and you'd never be a disappointment to him but it is true he wants you to live not to destroy yourself.Try not to worry about the future,just take every day as it comes.Consider sharing with your one friend that you are feeling this way,he may be uncomfortable but he may also be able to understand and want to and be able to help.Or consider speaking to a doctor,this may be clinical depression or it may be something a counselor can help you with.Don't give up,it sounds to me too that you never got over the grief from losing your father so I suggest bereavement counselling too!
You are in my thoughts and prayers.I hope this clears up real soon.Marylinx

[ubicaritasetamor]

Hello again,

Thank you to everyone for the advice and prayers. I do really appreciate it. I have considered seeing a doctor before, but right now it just doesn't seem like financially I can take that hit and I am really scared about telling a doctor what I have been thinking about. I'm not sure that I could if I wanted to. I don't know if it's worth it anymore. I'm just so tired of trying to figure things out and so far nothing I have tried has helped so it just seems like nothing will... I do hope I can find a job soon. At least then, I would know I could make a living and not have to worry about finding somewhere to live in a couple of months.

[Marylin]

ubicaritasetamor,I am so sorry you can't afford to see the doctor.I hope you find work that helps you feel secure cos that seems to be one of your biggest worries at this time.If you can confide in your friend that may help ,he may be very supportive.Please reach ou to the telephone helplines if you ever come near to hurting yourself.Someimes we are not thinking rationally and we need to talk to someone to get our heads straight.You are a good young man and your life is valuable and you deserve to live so please take care and stay safe!I wish you all the best.Marylinx