[adashofhope]

I'm in my early 30s and I have some physical health issues and I have dealt with depression since I was a preteen/teen. I've been to different therapists, done group therapy, and tried different medications. I've never led a "normal" life. I have very little family and no close friends.
I got married last year (I never ever thought this would happen) and me and my husband have been having a lot of problems which is adding to my depressed state. I have a lot of guilt because I know that dealing with me and all of my issues has become extremely burdensome.
I've also dealt with regular suicidal ideation throughout my life and I have made a few attempts (but not recently). I know I have much to be grateful for in my life, but I do have a lot of problems. My health issues, marital issues, low self-esteem/insecurity issues, financial problems, and social issues (lack of friends, support) all feed into me feeling hopeless and that I want to just escape.
I feel like this world would be better off without me because I am not adding any value to it. I don't have a career, I barely made it through college and I have a terrible work history. My social anxiety, lack of social skills, perfectionism, anger issues, depression and low energy have caused me to not be able to stay at jobs long and have gotten in the way of me getting jobs in the first place. I work part-time right now from home doing work that does not fulfill me, but it helps pay the bills and I am grateful for that. But I see no future for me. I don't have any children or pets and I don't plan to have any because of all of my problems.
I feel regret because I think I should have left this earth a long time ago, but instead because of fear or small traces of hope I had, I think this is why I am still here. Honestly, I have also been fearful of making failed attempts and having to deal with things afterwards (being in a hospital, possibly being homeless, etc.).
Now I am married and I know my husband cares about me, I do think that he would be much better off without me. Acknowledging this to myself is very painful to bear because it confirms everything I have believed about myself. I have never felt good enough, let alone good enough to be someone's wife. I don't want to hurt him anymore though by taking my life. We have brought up possibly separating either temporarily or permanently, which is not an option right now because I cannot support myself on my own. I honestly don't think I can go on living if we separate and I also feel like I cannot go on living if we are together because I am making him so unhappy. I hate myself even more for involving him in all of my problems. I feel like a terrible person and I don't know how to live with myself.
I don't want to hurt the few people that care about me and who have done so much for me (mainly my husband and my sister), but I feel that I have no place here in this world. I have nothing to offer (no skills, talents, passions). I don't want to waste any more money on doctors, and therapy, especially because my husband works really hard and we don't have a lot. I just feel like me not being here would be the easiest thing.
My husband is Christian and feels strongly that suicide is wrong and believes that we are all valuable and have a place in this world. I admire his view, but at the same time I don't agree and I don't totally understand it. I wish I could be more like him, but I don't think I can..I don't know how. For awhile now, I have felt that people should be able to take their own lives if they choose to, especially when they are dealing with chronic long-term illness. I know this is a very controversial position to take and I do not push my view on anyone. I just have been through a lot (emotionally) in my life and I feel like there have been little progress.
Some/most people would probably say the reason for that is my fault and maybe that is true. But no one other than me has been in my shoes (not saying I had a terrible life, but emotionally it has been very difficult). I constantly think about suicide.
I probably sound pretty pathetic. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want things to get better, but I just don't see how they can. There is lots more I'm sure I could say, but I will just stop here. Thanks for reading.

[basicgoodness]

Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum, adashofhope. I'm sorry to hear of your marital problems, which I know add to your stress and depression. I know what it feels like to have no hope for the future. I do wish you the best and would encourage you to continue posting on here and let us know how things are going for you.

[Skeezyks]

Hello adashofhope: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here on PC to be of benefit. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. It can help. (By the way although I'm an old man, otherwise, we actually have quite a bit in common...)

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by basicgoodness

Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum, adashofhope. I'm sorry to hear of your marital problems, which I know add to your stress and depression. I know what it feels like to have no hope for the future. I do wish you the best and would encourage you to continue posting on here and let us know how things are going for you.

Thank you for reading it, as I know it was long. I appreciate your reply and your kind words. It was good to get out those thoughts and I am glad I found a place where I can share these types of things, although I hope they don't bring anyone down too much. Thank you for the encouragement and I wish you the same.

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello adashofhope: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here on PC to be of benefit. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. It can help. (By the way although I'm an old man, otherwise, we actually have quite a bit in common...)

Thank you! I find it beneficial already to be able to share these things which are difficult to deal with on my own. I'm glad to hear there are knowledgeable and caring people here. Having good support is so important to mental health.

[with or without you]

Thank you for your honesty. You sound a lot like me save for the married part (same age, same age of onset, social anxiety, depression, thinking everyone would be better off without me etc.)

Are you currently in therapy?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by with or without you

Thank you for your honesty. You sound a lot like me save for the married part (same age, same age of onset, social anxiety, depression, thinking everyone would be better off without me etc.)

Are you currently in therapy?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi, thanks for reading my post. Yes, I'm currently in therapy, but my health insurance situation has not been stable and I recently decided with my husband to do once a month sessions because we have been paying out of pocket for me to go weekly. I have been to several therapists since I was a teenager, and I think my current therapist has been one of the best I've worked with. She does a mixture of different therapies including schema therapy which I never did and DBT which I have done. I find it helpful, but I definitely feel I need a lot more support.

[elevatedsoul]

[DayAtATime1]

ADashOfHope - I like your username �� I hope you really do have some hope about your future? I think there are plenty of people here in these forums that can relate to your story, myself included. You are not causing any of us to feel down by sharing your story!

I don't have any easy answers for you. I've been in a severe state of depression for over 3 yrs, and finally decided to get a new pdoc. I'm hoping he'll be able to find better med(s) for me. My old pdoc had told me we'd tried almost all the available psych meds, so I was feeling hopeless. But new pdoc says there are plenty other meds to try. Sometimes you need a fresh look at things... How long have you been seeing your pdoc? As far as your therapist, I'd recommend trying to maintain the weekly visits. It's so important to have someone to confide in when feeling depressed.

Hope things improve for you!!

[Marvin Android]

If every week is too much, then perhaps every other week?

I have been depressed for many years, and didn't realize it. I have seen three different counselors in the past several years, and for whatever reason, they all devolved into sitting and chatting with an understanding person and not much else.

I am now waiting for an appointment to try a different therapist who uses CBT and other techniques that I think would be useful for me.

You mentioned DBT, which I read is similar to CBT. Since I am 6 weeks from my initial appointment, I have decided to start a CBT workbook on my own. Perhaps you could get some of the benefit of more frequent visits by doing something like I am doing, and report to the counselor whenever you do get to see them.

Keep taking advantage of whatever help you can afford!

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by adashofhope

Hi, thanks for reading my post. Yes, I'm currently in therapy, but my health insurance situation has not been stable and I recently decided with my husband to do once a month sessions because we have been paying out of pocket for me to go weekly. I have been to several therapists since I was a teenager, and I think my current therapist has been one of the best I've worked with. She does a mixture of different therapies including schema therapy which I never did and DBT which I have done. I find it helpful, but I definitely feel I need a lot more support.

I think I've seen about 6 T's since age 10. That's tough when you can't afford it. I told my therapist over a year ago that I wanted to come every other week and she actually got harsh with me (she's usually not like that). I think she did it to drive home how critical it was. I pay out of pocket but my insurance company gives me some of it back after I submit my statements. Did you ever try a university? They accept whatever amount you are able to pay. But I can see how that setup might be difficult because an intern or resident is only there for 1-2 years before they move on. It took over a year for me to trust my therapist. Good luck, I'm not doing so well right now either but I think the local weather for the last 2 weeks is driving some of it.

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by DayAtATime1

ADashOfHope - I like your username �� I hope you really do have some hope about your future? I think there are plenty of people here in these forums that can relate to your story, myself included. You are not causing any of us to feel down by sharing your story!

I don't have any easy answers for you. I've been in a severe state of depression for over 3 yrs, and finally decided to get a new pdoc. I'm hoping he'll be able to find better med(s) for me. My old pdoc had told me we'd tried almost all the available psych meds, so I was feeling hopeless. But new pdoc says there are plenty other meds to try. Sometimes you need a fresh look at things... How long have you been seeing your pdoc? As far as your therapist, I'd recommend trying to maintain the weekly visits. It's so important to have someone to confide in when feeling depressed.

Hope things improve for you!!

Thank you for reading and replying. I think I have a little/some hope at times, and other times it feels that I have none. It depends on what I am dealing with and how my relationships are going. I'm highly sensitive.
I don't see a pdoc anymore because I didn't have good experiences with meds, I have tried a lot. I have unfavorable opinions about psychiatry, although I know there are some (few) good ones out there. I try to take care of my body the best that I can. I'm considering trying out a lithium supplement recommended by a naturopathic doctor I used to see who said there is research that shows taking a small amount of lithium has been shown to benefit psychological well-being. I also think having good gut health is really important for good physical and emotional health, and I have been having issues with my gut for a long time and I am trying to correct them but it takes a long time. I don't know if you are familiar with any of this type of stuff, so sorry if it sounds weird or something.
I do think I need a fresh look and I am also considering visiting family outside of the country for a little while which I think could be beneficial. I know a lot of my problems have to do with my belief system, persistent, rigid negative thinking, and of course old trauma/triggers that cause issues in relationships and other situations. I wish I could do therapy more than once a week and find a good support group but I don't have the resources for that right now. Hopefully, things will change soon.
I hope you improve soon too!

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by with or without you

I think I've seen about 6 T's since age 10. That's tough when you can't afford it. I told my therapist over a year ago that I wanted to come every other week and she actually got harsh with me (she's usually not like that). I think she did it to drive home how critical it was. I pay out of pocket but my insurance company gives me some of it back after I submit my statements. Did you ever try a university? They accept whatever amount you are able to pay. But I can see how that setup might be difficult because an intern or resident is only there for 1-2 years before they move on. It took over a year for me to trust my therapist. Good luck, I'm not doing so well right now either but I think the local weather for the last 2 weeks is driving some of it.

That is a shame that your therapist got harsh with you because of that. If you can't afford it, what can you do? Of course its important to get treatment, but the healthcare system is so terrible and not everyone can get good insurance that will pay for what you need.
I haven't tried a university, I didn't know there were universities that offered therapy. I will keep that in mind if I need to look for a new therapist and finances are still an issue. I might be moving within the next year and will have to if I do, but right now I like working with my current therapist.
The weather affects me too, and its hasn't been very good here either lately. It will get better though, it always does. Good luck to you too.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by adashofhope

That is a shame that your therapist got harsh with you because of that. If you can't afford it, what can you do? Of course its important to get treatment, but the healthcare system is so terrible and not everyone can get good insurance that will pay for what you need.

I haven't tried a university, I didn't know there were universities that offered therapy. I will keep that in mind if I need to look for a new therapist and finances are still an issue. I might be moving within the next year and will have to if I do, but right now I like working with my current therapist.

The weather affects me too, and its hasn't been very good here either lately. It will get better though, it always does. Good luck to you too.

I wasn't upset by her reaction.

Any university that has a graduate program in psychology will have services available to the public. The drawbacks are you don't have the benefit of seeing the same person for several years, and the sessions are videotaped because that person is in training and still in supervision.

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by Marvin Android

If every week is too much, then perhaps every other week?

I have been depressed for many years, and didn't realize it. I have seen three different counselors in the past several years, and for whatever reason, they all devolved into sitting and chatting with an understanding person and not much else.

I am now waiting for an appointment to try a different therapist who uses CBT and other techniques that I think would be useful for me.

You mentioned DBT, which I read is similar to CBT. Since I am 6 weeks from my initial appointment, I have decided to start a CBT workbook on my own. Perhaps you could get some of the benefit of more frequent visits by doing something like I am doing, and report to the counselor whenever you do get to see them.

Keep taking advantage of whatever help you can afford!

Thanks for reading and replying! I will take your suggestions into consideration. I used to have a DBT skills workbook but I am not sure where it is now. I want to get this book called Reinvent Your Life by Jeffrey Young which is about schema therapy. I find it interesting and helpful, but I think it should be probably be used in conjunction with other types of therapy for a more balanced approach.
I just find it hard to stay motivated when it seems like everything in my life in crumbling (relationships, finances, etc.) and it seems like I have permanently ruined or continue to ruin things in my life and relationships, its like what am I still going on for? Do you know what I mean?

[basicgoodness]

Originally Posted by adashofhope

Thanks for reading and replying! I will take your suggestions into consideration. I used to have a DBT skills workbook but I am not sure where it is now. I want to get this book called Reinvent Your Life by Jeffrey Young which is about schema therapy. I find it interesting and helpful, but I think it should be probably be used in conjunction with other types of therapy for a more balanced approach.
I just find it hard to stay motivated when it seems like everything in my life in crumbling (relationships, finances, etc.) and it seems like I have permanently ruined or continue to ruin things in my life and relationships, its like what am I still going on for? Do you know what I mean?

Please don't beat yourself up with such harsh judgments. You are doing the best you can.

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by basicgoodness

Please don't beat yourself up with such harsh judgments. You are doing the best you can.

Thank you, I think I needed to hear that.