Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

it is day 4 of my really bad episode.

still can't leave my room- really bad mixture of depression and severe anxiety

Sending hugs.

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I'm so sorry. I have agoraphobia and phobias in addition to everything else and I hear you about the anxiety.

Maybe you can work on the anxiety by walking to the door, and then do it again, trying to open the door. Just keep trying.

My friend is here today and it's only because he is here to help me that I think I have a shot at going downstairs. I'm really scared though.

The best thing to do about anxiety is to beat it as soon as you can (general "you") before it gets turned into a phobia. I wish I had been able to do that about the stairs. If I don't get out of here today, and over there, they're going to ban me from the clinic.

Feeling generally crappy about myself & anxious about today &, as usual, about my future. Also, woke up too many times during the night so I feel tired already.

I feel tired and not ready too. I didn't have a long enough sleep time to sleep off the tizanidine so I feel weak and horrible. I'm scared.

I feel like I'm ready to break again today. I'm so tired, the week has been so long (even though it was only 3 work days), and I'm so worn down from trying to hide my feelings. I have to wear the mask most of today again, but I don't want to. It's going to be such a long day, and I just want to skip it all and go home and sleep.

Thinking of you.

thanks.... for the advice..

suicidal again this afternoon.

i posted why in dissociative disorders, but i'll post here... relived a horrible memory from 2 years ago- and now we're suicidal

and today we are very switchy. god

going to try and call samaratans later.

if i can find the courage to call them

Ugh! Suddenly started feeling sick. Funky headache & nausea. Thanks to the onset in my 30s of various anxiety afflictions, it always scares me a little now when I feel sick.

I'm so sorry to hear that. i hope it gets better very soon.

I'm just not in good spirits today. Has to do with my crappy sleep schedule.

Please call them. I didn't really notice before, you said you feel sui because I was in crisis mode. If you still feel sui now, please make the call. If the first person isn't helpful, please continue calling until you get someone who is helpful.

So tired but unable to sleep. Everytime I try I just can't switch off. I somehow just got massively distracted and wound up on a friends fb page who committed suicide about 4 and a half years ago... Now I feel sad. As well as frustrated at not sleeping. And so fidgety. Can't stay still. Can't get comfy. It's gone 2am. I hardly slept last night. Why can't I be tired enough to sleep??? Beginning to think my body just doesn't need sleep anymore...

I was feeling pretty good today until I got home. As soon as I got home I noticed that I got a flat tire on the back wheel of my bike. It seemed like that happened so long ago before. I thought that the tire looked alright this morning. It must have just gotten flat while I was at work. Probably a pinch flat. It's happened before.

I was really looking forward to a bike ride this afternoon. So I ended up fixing the flat tire. But I'll wait until Saturday to put the wheel back on. Putting the wheel back on is the harder part. I didn't feel like wrestling with it today. I was planning to workout tomorrow. So I'll go on Saturday.

On Saturday morning there will be a men's breakfast from the church that I started going to recently. I guess I'll go. I hope that I will like it. It seems like so many times I've gone to those kind of things and ended up feeling disappointed.

@will19, if you keep your expectations kind of low, you'll have nothing to lose by going to the breakfast on Saturday.

Maybe you can find and make new, additional friends. I hope so.

Got the house I was hoping for. And I assumed those negative thoughts that I mentioned the other day would not show up. And while those particular thoughts did not, others did.
I just feel like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes, I don't understand. This is good, I got good news today. I would think it would be enough to push me up. But my imbalanced and wonky-wired brain has decided that it doesn't want to work that way.

Help! You understand the pain! Just take a portion away!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too much happening and my mind is spinning out of control!

Kind of depressed. Feeling used (I'm an abuse survivor). I think I'm spending too much time thinking, I'm going to try to do something constructive and see if that helps. Depression, please don't hold me back.

Thank you!

I'm submitting this earlier in the day than usual. Pretty slow at work today, but I guess it's alright by me. I met a guy at work this morning who told me that he's married. I couldn't believe it! That guy seems so weird and not good looking. I don't know what a woman could see in him. It made me feel bad about myself in comparison.

I plan to workout after work. And also I plan on going to the Men's Breakfast from the church tomorrow morning. Normally I hate to go out for breakfast because I feel like the wait is too long. I always want to eat right after I get out of bed. After that I'll have to work on my bike and I dread doing it. I hope those things will turn out OK.

Got really depressed on the ride home tonight to the point of a few tears. I finally had to turn the radio on because I kept writing in my mind to PsyCentral. I wondered if I would get away with starting a thread that started out with, "What is so wrong with suicide? There are only 4 people in the whole world who would miss me, & even then they would get on. I'm not married, have no kids, no one depends on me. What if I just don't have what it takes to make it in this world, the courage, the self-esteem? I've already lived through probably the happiest times I'm ever going to. It has only gotten worse. It's obvious I'm not one of the lucky ones. Why should I live some miserable, pathetic life? The only reason I'm still here is because I can't figure out a way & I'm too damn afraid I'd mess it up. Give me one good reason why I should want to live. I'll let you know if I agree." It was so much better when I wrote it in my head.

I think there is no reason but life in us wants to live