Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Very bad day yesterday. Doing much better today. Still not the best, but better so I'll take it. I managed to force myself to exercise today so I think that helped.

I'm so scared that my mask is slipping. Got a text from my mom earlier saying I seemed "down" when we got together last weekend. I've been able to hide it for so long, but if she's starting to see it, who's next? With my luck, it'll be someone who I don't want to see.

Sorry to hear you struggle with a mask. I'm pretty open about my depression.

I fell in love, it was a very bad thing to do.

I'd like to be open about it, but I have to be put-together at work, so I've had to hide there.

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I see

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Not a good day today. Erratic emotions, a sudden crash back down to the real world and how much I'm failing in life in the past month, guilt, fear, frustration...and loss. I've been reading about loss lately and I can only get through a chapter of the book at a time because it just hurts.

I'm not going to say I don't know what to do. I do. I don't see any point in talking about it more because I know from experience that it doesn't help and just leads to more shame and worry. It's evening here, so here's hoping tomorrow is better.

"I don't want to live on this planet anymore" Prof. Farnsworth from Futurama

This quote describes my feelings right now. Supposedly people are working on terraforming Mars, but I feel that most people who end up living there wouldn't be good there either. Granted, I didn't have much faith in humanity to begin with, but whatever was left is definitely gone now. Some people are just too...stupid for me.

It wasn't that great of a day for me. It sounds like there's something going around or in the air. The previous posters just before me are feeling exactly the way I do.

It was not that great at work as some things broke down and I was not able to fix them. So I had to call on someone. People seem pretty testy today at work.

My left leg and foot is swelling up. I had that problem happen to me about 20 years ago. I've had this problem for that long. It got to the point that the swelling went down over the years and I got used to it. Doctors just can't do anything about it. It's called lymphedema. But in the last week or so, I feel that the swelling is increasing and my foot is hurting a little bit. I'm going to have to call a doctor. Why does this happen to me?

My friend went out tonight. He didn't tell me that he was going out tonight when I was with him last night. So we might not talk tonight and I really needed someone to talk to. Also I was in the pool area and some jerks showed up. They seem to come my way for some reason and I don't know why they do. At where I live I'm either all alone or just meet up with jerks. I have not met anybody really nice at my place.

So much to put down tonight and a lot not so good. Is it possible I have depression?

Yes, sounds like maybe an agitated depression.

Have you ever tried calling Samaritans? If you don't have them locally, call their NYC number, it's OK. You can see if you feel better after talking to someone there.

Seriously, it's not good to have only one friend. It leaves you in such a vulnerable position if anything bad should happen to your friend.

I have the same issue - I have only one real life friend. And it's so hard to have just one friend.

i can say from experience that samaratans are really good.

actually really friendly people, and they do want to listen.. they don't judge or interupt you- just let you talk

re: friendships, i don't have any real life friends (so support for me is doubly difficult) and when i think i've finally fcound someone to be a friend to me, they come out with.. your issues are too much to handle.

it is always the way- it is hard

I agree that just having one friend is not that great. I have tried very hard to make more friends. And I feel that I have had better friends in the past than him. But it's very hard to make friends being a man at my age who is single. So many are married and/or very well established with what they have, that they don't have room for me. Also I find that lots of guys around my age are weird, really weird. Well, maybe I am, too.

I hope that today will be a better day. It's early yet - we'll see!

Really disappointed in myself because I didn't get off my *** and work out once while I was on my vacation, not did I work out yesterday being back home. I'm finally getting well enough mentally and stable enough to get back to some normal activities and I keep planning to do something but then I get home from work and just want to stuff my face and vegetate. I'm really disappointed in myself. I'm going to try really hard to get this workout in tonight though. I know it will make me feel better.

Also, I have major anxiety about checking the mail so I haven't done so in weeks and my apartment complex just called me to let me know my mailbox is full and I need to clean it out. So embarrassing. I just don't know what to do with all the mail either. Ug.

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Don't feel quite so horrible this morning. No headache. That's nice. Not quite as groggy. The melancholia always seems to be with me now, life just isn't the same. It's forever changed.
But let's see how the day goes.

I feel like I've lost myself. Ever since the weekend, I feel like a completely different person. Nothing has changed in my thinking, feelings, or behavior, but I don't feel like me anymore. Every place I go is familiar, but unfamiliar at the same time. It's almost like deja vu. I almost got lost this morning, on a drive I take twice a month. I don't know where this is going, but it's scaring me.

be careful with everything you are putting in your mouth...you may need to ask for help now...

I'm working on getting help. Right now I'm in between therapists, trying to get a better schedule going with the new one. Until I get there, though, I'm just stuck.

Yes, I have definitely heard that in my life, "you're so much to handle". :/

ETA you have me, anyway.

It's very difficult being a woman with no friends because people think of women as social creatures. If you're a "lone wolf" woman with only one or no friends, people steer clear. :/ Even my mother can't wrap her head around my diagnoses or the reality of my situation. Well, she never was anything resembling a mother, so she's not a good measure. But she is very social and could never imagine this situation I'm in. It's a mess all around. :/

But I wish you good luck in making more friends!

I've been going through this too, ever since the hospital stay I had in 2013. Everyone looked very familiar and I could have sworn I knew them all somehow.

ETA also, I find myself getting lost inside my head, familiar things being alienated, too.

I guess saying I've been feeling this way since the weekend is a bit off, it's been going on for longer. It's just such a strong feeling now. All I can do is assume it's from stress, but I don't know for sure. I had to research to make sure I didn't cause it from things I did over the weekend, so at least I can't really blame myself now. I just wish I had someone to talk to.

If you are worried, please get checked out by a doctor. What I found out about the situation I was in, in 2013, is that there's a name for what happened to me, but I forgot what it is. Please don't get scared, it's a neurological condition which maybe characterized by having either very small strokes, or seizures, I forget which. Anyway, you might want to get it checked out. (right now on google, I'm seeing articles on face blindness, not facial familiarity.)

I very strongly believe that it's dissociative symptoms, some depersonalization/derealization stuff. Probably associated with stress, I haven't had a lot of relief from it lately. Were you able to get help from a general doctor, or did you have to see a specialist? I'm not sure how much help my primary doctor would be, he doesn't know anything about mental health stuff.

I never told anyone about it, I don't think. I was in acute withdrawal from benzos, and at the time I just thought it must be part of that experience.

The clinic I go to doesn't do much for recommending people go further with their care, to specialists. It's basically a triage type of place, without much actually happening there.

Anyway, I found the name for what I had been through, back then, searching google, so it can be found, just not today by me lol.

Even if you are experiencing mostly psych symptoms, I think you should still get it checked out by a neurologist. Just to be sure.

I'll have to look into it. I'm sure my primary doctor will refer me to whoever I need to see. Let me know if you find or remember the name of what you went through.