Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I feel listless, out of it, completely disconnected from myself and my life. I have no idea if this is temporary because of stress I am experiencing or if this is just the way the rest of my life will be, but for these past few months I have completely stopped feeling like myself. It's almost like some other tired, sad, numb, gray girl has entered my body and taken it over, and I have to watch helplessly as all my color is drained out and replaced with the same monochrome.

Been strangely tired all day. Keep just falling asleep. Now I feel kind of ill. Which could be due to a number of reasons and I'm hoping I'm not actually coming down with something. My mood is low. As is the norm lately. I think I feel a little bit safer than last week though...that was a bad week. We shall see..

everyone's outside lighting firecrackers and my mom is on the porch with the neighbor lady and my dad is asleep and i'm just in here feeling very alone and having anxiety wishing all this noise would stop and contemplating plucking my eyebrows just as an 'acceptable' form of self-inflicted pain to hopefully ground myself.

It's better to use a rubber band around your wrist. Eyebrows are notorious for not coming back. And aging reduces your eyebrows even more. So does hypothyroid. Then you find one day that you are middle aged and your eyebrows are long gone and you're now the lady without eyebrows and it's very hard to draw them on anymore. It sucks.

thanks... i'll see if i can find a rubber band instead. i'm pretty scared of losing my eyebrows silly as that sounds... they're the only part of my face i like.

It's late and I should be going to bed soon, but there's been all this guilt, shame, self-hatred, and anxiety growing inside me. I don't even have a right to it. I don't feel like elaborating, but even meds aren't helping right now. I want to cry but can't. I want to talk but am at last too ashamed; it's not worth it. So I'm just here, listening to fireworks and waiting for some downloads and hoping I can feel motivated to live tomorrow.

As it turned out I went to see my friend today. So it was not a brush off. He had constipation pretty bad. This may sound weird for me saying this, but when I was close to him, he smelled poopy. Inside his house really smelled and I was lucky that I didn't have to spend any time inside. I don't know how his wife could stand it.

We went out for a little snack and did a little talking. I did get it off my chest to tell him why I wanted to leave that church. This time he seemed more understanding. He had been implying before that it's my fault that I'm not hitting it off with the others there. But I felt like I had tried to make efforts to talk to other people and they never seemed responsive. It's like I was being ostracized for no known reason. Plus I just couldn't stand the cliques that were there; and the people were all much older than me.

I spoke with my sister tonight. I had called for her at 10:30 AM and her husband told me that she would be home from work in an hour. She didn't call until 8:00 PM! She told me that her husband just told her that I had called earlier. Hmmm! Weird. I was wondering why for hours that she wasn't calling me back. She told me that she and her husband are getting old. No kidding! Our talk went alright.

I feel overwhelmed and frightened to not make it. I will sit down and look at my daily planner, try get into routine again, slow, but hopefully steady!

Depressed today. Sick of nightmares and paranoia. I can't live like this.

TRIGGER WARNING---I am furious....my wifes dog was physically abused in the kennel...
it reminds me of abuse that a male teacher tried out on my daughter...
he is lucky that we only talked...

That's terrible! for you and your dog

thanks so much 88butterfly88...the dog couldn't talk but his behavior was very abnormal...he wouldn't eat or drink...somebody was trying to teach him a lesson...but the dog is well behaved...how many people here have been physically abused...I was...we couldn't speak up then...but we can now...there is a lot of abuse in the world of many kinds...so I am saying now---I have a mental illness now maybe because of my past...come and hit me now...I may not run away now...I cant stand to see someone abused by a stronger person...

I don't know what the point is anymore. I just don't feel like bothering with anything. I don't want to go to therapy, I don't want to take these meds, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to go home and hide in bed. There's no fixing me anyway.

feeling a bit more down this afternoon. a lot of reminders of what i want but can't have, simply because i'm me. i have a headache. not planning on eating today, because i know it will make me feel gross to eat greasy sausage gravy and buttery biscuits, which is today's dinner. not showering either. will try to brush my teeth in a bit, once i finish my green tea.

Thanks for sympathy! I have used hours after my last input today to try to figure a way out. I have looked at my vulnerability and have chosen cooping tools. Tomorrow I have set the alarm at 7:00 AM. I will do my usual morning ritual + an hour with self-help (writing down in my journal) before I take a shower and go out doing some shopping afterward.

Hope for me!

I send my hopes to all of you in the hope that you all will be able to cope!

I didn't sleep last night and my thoughts were racing for at least half the day but now I'm feeling okay.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

Ups.... I don't know, my coffee was good this morning. I slept ok the last few nights but that's thanks to reverting back to quetiapine for a few nights.... tonight I won't take it, I don't want to depend on that. Got an appt. done.

Downs..... Same, depressed, not enjoying anything and feeling like I have no purpose. Feeling fat as I just binged on things that shouldn't go in my mouth as i have diabetes and I'm screwing up my health .... but hell I don't care today.

Depressed. I really don't want to go to therapy. My therapist is a terrible listener. I'm stuck feeling traumatized from abuse. Therapists have been trying to help me out of it but it's not working. I hate my life.

seriously floundering

Something good might be happening, but my mind keeps trying to put that negative spin on it. It's going to fail, it'll fall through like the others, I don't deserve it, yada yada.

I try to beat those suckers off with a stick, but they are persistent.

Still no word on what's going on with getting my a/c fixed. The stress and anxiety of work is making me partially dissociate, when I can stop thinking about what else is wrong in my life. Just got a call that my new T has an opening tomorrow afternoon, at the start of what will be almost 3 1/2 hours straight of things scheduled at work, none of which I can change at this point. I've been getting up to drive bf to work in the morning and can't sleep after, and I'm exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can keep this going, but I can't afford to stop. I just want to give up now, living like this is too hard.

I'm feeling grounded today. I had so much anxiety about going back to work, but things are going well.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

I don't care much about sports...but my story is connected to a sports event. It's a big event where I live and this year competition has some similarities with the one twelve years ago... For me it's kind of a anniversary. I can't tell for sure the time when my symptoms began, but twelve years ago was the time I could say for sure they were there. It was the time I started to go to the doctor and the emergency room frequently with symptoms doctors wouldn't care. And inside I was very scared thinking I was dying... The evidence and the time run me down and I eventually quitted on the thoughts I had a severe physical illness.
But stupidly, I that don't care much about the games, was so nervous about them, felt my heart beating, my chest hurting, imagining I was having an heart attack or had a heart problem. The days went by, the pain didn't go away, just went from place to place and time by time other symptoms started to appear... It was some years, many medical exams... But 2004 was the year of it.

Was fairly busy at work today. I felt like people at work were irritable today, or maybe it was just me. It seems like they are kind of bossy.

Went bike riding after work and the pool area was nice tonight, so that was good.

In early April I broke up with my girlfriend of two years, she was everything to me but one day I was freaking out about a lot of stuff and she was the one that I let it out on and I told her I was done, ever since then I have regretted it. However this is not what has caused my depression, I have been depressed for about 3 years. But, breaking up with my girlfriend has made it a lot worse, not to mention 3 days prior to the break up my grandma who I was very close with passed away. So far everyday since May I have had suicidal thoughts and have attemped to kill myself twice. It's not that I want to die, it's just that I can't take this feeling of having no one in my life that truly cares about me. I should have no reason to feel like this, I have a full ride scholarship lined up to a great university for track and field but it doesn't make me feel better. If I could get any advice it would be much appreciated. Thanks