Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Thanks it is perfect what you said to me.

At work today I called my manager about ordering coffee (I posted about that yesterday). I have not heard anything back. But a couple of important people I spoke to though it was weird that the cleaning lady told me that I was to order the coffee. If I was supposed to, then the upper management should have told me. Not her. I understood that it was her that was assigned to do the coffee. She has a reputation for trying to welsh out of some of her responsibilities. Plus, she's a real pain in the neck to work with.

Last night I got talking to my friend. I felt like it didn't go well because he was pointing out things that I do wrong. He tries to be like an overly involved critical Dad to me. That's not what I want in a friend. It's like he's trying to change me.

No idea why I gt hit with such a sad feeling today - that same ominous, sinking, pervasive sadness that comes out of nowhere. I mean really: last week has probably been the happiest and calmest of my life: I have my first, real, full-time job, I've been exploring the spiritual life as well as planning for a future - then suddenly I want to cry for no reason.

I seem to have bounced back though, but it's unnerving when depression doesn't even cross your mind for a week.

How is your job?

An ordinary kind of day today. I have been feeling pretty good. Not much down feelings going on. With me that's the way it is. I get feeling pretty good and then suddenly feel bad. I'm hoping the next several days, at least, will go the way it is now for me.

I seem to be more sad at night now, again. During the hours I usually enjoy the most on the days I normally get really happy to be home; those hours before bed I don't feel content. When I keep struggling to do something I normally enjoy I feel repetitious when I go back to just being like BLAH. )= Having trouble relying on myself until i find a new T. Maybe things will get better when I don't work as much and I have more control over what I get to do. Thanks to readers for listening to my vent

I think I'm having more anxiety than depression.

In a weird mood today. Started off ok and then just bleugh. Hoping it's just a blip and I'll bounce back. I'm also aware though that these blips have been quite frequent in the last week. And thats a bit concerning.

Fantastic, albeit a bit boring.

I've been much better today.

Microfiber towels and cold showers are my friends now. I like how I'm just willing to change little things here and there and find out how good those changes are. I just love having alternative choices! Those cotton towels I had were annoying me anyway.

Today has been not great. I had a lot of anxiety earlier, still do, but finding out this morning that I lost the necklace my bf gave me just dropped me. I spent most of the morning crying over it. I had an appointment with my new T this afternoon, and I felt a little better after that, but now I'm starting to think about things we talked about and feel bad again. My bf has been looking at hotels for a trip we're taking in a few weeks, and that's got me feeling crappy too. Our initial plan was to try to stay with the friends we're visiting, but then bf started thinking about how that will go for me, since my anxiety makes it really hard to sleep in strange places. Now I feel like such a burden because I don't know if I'll be able to sleep there or not. I'm feeling really unsure of myself and it hurts. I think by this point in my life I should be over a lot of the things that bother me, should be able to act like an adult and be independent and all that stuff. But I still feel like a kid trying to get through life without any help, even though the things I'm doing are way over my head. It shouldn't be this hard for a 29 year old.

I hope it gets better sooner than later. But it definitely will get better. Patience is one of the Seven Virtues.

I don't mean to sound that patronizing! Sorry about that. Impatience one of my issues too.

You didn't sound patronizing! I also focus in on bad moments and make them huge. I found my necklace tonight, so already a step forward.

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I try to keep my head above water then the heaviness comes dragging me down...
Exhausted.

Much better. Much much better. Got off celexa, after a rough withdrawal, now on Wellbutrin. More energy, no black cloud. Celexa was driving up weight, which in turn affected blood sugar.

i feel the same way often. i don't want to burden anyone but i am in a bad condition like you're describing right now. i will pray for everyone. it usually helps.the only bad thing about praying is that i can't concentrate enough to do it.

Oh, that's a huge relief! I could only imagine not finding the necklace, so glad you found it! And thank you!

I hope you'll feel better soon. After I have my morning coffee my mood sort of plummets. Lately I've been taking all day naps. :/

Not depressed today so that's a good thing. I have a pdoc appt. this afternoon. She's not going to be happy that I messed round with my meds, but I think they were increasing the anxiety. I feel better with this low dose. Hopefully she won't bump them back up again.

I was a little shocked and panic attack today when I went to check my pay and found I had been garnished.. and below for my bills.. called my HR hyperventilating about.. and got it situated thankfully... but super depressing.. I'm thankful to have had my coaching session yesterday!! it helped bring back his voice of reason, grace, compassion..

It was a pretty slow day at work, but that was OK for me. It had been so busy and hectic lately. So I didn't feel bored that much.

I worked out after work and it went OK, except I had some pain while working out. It would have been better if I didn't have that pain. I went to the pool area tonight and it was so nice. No one was there. It seemed like it was the first time in a while that no one was there. It was nice and quiet and I didn't have to make small talk.

I plan on going to a Men's breakfast tomorrow. My friend, who told me last Sunday that he might want to come, has not expressed any interest in going. So I probably will not see him there. It's just as well because I would prefer him not to be there anyways. Though I would hope to see him sometime after that. He will be going away for a couple of weeks on Wednesday. If we don't get together tomorrow or Sunday, then it's going to be a good while before we'll see each other again.

Also I'm feeling very depressed that I don't have much cash on hand now. This is the first time it's like that for me in a good while.

I'm very worried. I'm pretty sure I can't get down the stairs on Tuesday, and if he prescribes a benzo I don't think it's legal for the pharmacy to let it out of the store by giving it to anyone but the patient.

My friend is going to help me get to my retina appointment the week after this coming one. I absolutely need his help for the eye appointments because I can't see anything after they give me drops and blind me with the light. And I must get to the other opthalmologists no later than in September.

So I don't know when or if I will ever get back to the pdoc again.

I also must go to a dentist to see if I have oral cancer,and a dermatologist to see if I have skin cancer.

I don't know what to do. Even if he does prescribe a benzo, I'm not sure if that would help me get down the stairs without falling. Oh, and I'm running out of my ap meds.

Oh, now I just found a message from the hospital that I have another appointment on Tuesday with a neurologist. All these things have to be done! And I can't get out of my building.

Wish I lived nearby and I'd come with you and take you in my car.