Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I'm preparing to scream!

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A pretty slow day today at work. A better day for me emotionally than yesterday. Went to the pool area. At first there were a little family there with one little girl screaming her head off. That drove me crazy. But they left after five minutes. Nothing much else to report about today.

Feeling very settled after therapy session today

He doesn't hate me. I still think he should.

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To follow up, and to thank, once again, everyone here, i did get the drain much better. I plan on doing the steps once again to see if I can blast away some drain blockage, and also give it more time to work.

The management hates to have the plumber in because it's so expensive. So they probably told the janitor to check it out, and that's not going to happen. ((((hugs)))) to all.

Feeling so empty and sad

I'm so sick of everything and everyone. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, most of it on the couch because I couldn't get comfortable in bed. Everything hurts, my skin even hurts. I don't know why I agreed to go out with some of bf's friends tonight for a birthday party for one friend's son. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I just want to be left the hell alone.

Do I even feel like fighting the fight any longer?

Can't really deal with anything anymore. I'm shutting down. Disabled my Facebook this morning, and I don't even feel like browsing the forums here today. I'm just going to take advantage of my open schedule today and isolate in my office.

Speak of the devil, the janitor just was here. I didn't know what to do so I just let him see the faucet drip, and he said it was fine. I feel sick to my stomach.

He knocked at least three times before I said who is it. I told him it was ok now but he insisted on seeing it. I am so afraid of everything here. He was wearing his scary clothes. I think he's dangerously psychotic.

I feel scared and dysphoric. Worse than yesterday because he was actually here today.

Mood is ok...something I'm not really used to but seems to be occurring more in the last couple of weeks. It scares me a bit.

I just need a decent nights sleep. It's been to hot the past few days so I've hardly slept. Room feels a bit cooler tonight so hoping tonight is the night...

Work was OK today. I worked out and it went well. At where I live someone had broken into a lockbox for the pool people; so the lock and keys are going to have to be replaced. Which means that us owners will have to pay for this.

Lately I feel fed up with my place again, just like the way I felt last year. When I talk about how I feel about my place to others, they remind me that rents are going up. So that makes me feel very stuck at where I am.

It's so hard to see him watching me with that look in his eyes, like I'm the most amazing thing in the world. It's especially hard after a day like yesterday, when I almost started crying at an 8-year-old's birthday party because one of our friends wanted to take a picture of me. I keep telling him that he could find someone who looks way better, but he still looks at me like I'm worth something.

I have no motivation to make all the changes I need to make to make a better life for myself. I just don't care. I can't find any desire or inspiration. I'm the only one who can do it and it just isn't there. I don't know what to do.

I'm grateful to all the wonderful people who post on this forum.
I'm grateful for some of the insights I have gained about myself because of my attempt.
I'm grateful I'm still alive so I can be a better wife and mother than I was before.

My interim boss exclaimed my name in the hallway today and I totally started to have a panic attack but it was just because we were wearing the same shade of like turquoise blue. Totally freaked me out though.

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Everything is becoming so frustrating. I have requirements at work, there are things I need to do, usually weekly, at specific times. If all I had to deal with was that, I would be fine. But I'm trying to give times that I can schedule all these requirements at work while trying to leave openings to schedule appointments with my therapist and (when I get one) psychiatrist. I have no idea when those appointments will or can be. It's been 3 weeks since I last saw my therapist, and I still have 2 more before my next appointment. After that, what? I have appointments at work scheduled out through at least the middle of August. And of course my therapist doesn't work Fridays, and neither do I. I thought that would make my life easier, but it just keeps getting complicated. Right now I want to just give up on going to therapy and just get my primary doc to prescribe me meds. Forget the fact that neither of us knows enough about psychiatric medications to completely avoid doing harm. At least I can make appointments with him on Fridays.

Just wanna give up already.

Just a thought, and you probably already considered it, but you could rent your condo, while you find a rental for yourself, to get a sense of what you feel like you're missing while living in your condo.

It was a fairly busy day at work today. Other than that, nothing too exciting. I didn't exercise today because I did my laundry after work. Went to the pool area. There was a father and son there. I've met them before. They were alright, but I felt uncomfortable because I felt like a third wheel. The son didn't talk much, so the father and I talked for a little bit. It was just small talk, nothing much. Except it seemed like the both of us are complaining about the condo complex.

I still feel like I'd like to move but I don't seem to have the courage to do it. There are people who are talking me out of it and hardly anyone thinks that it's a great idea. I feel like it would be a great idea for me to do it since others do not know everything about me. Maybe in due time I'll do it.

I've been in this quiet, calm, and somber mood lately, just wanting to do nothing but reflect, get lost in my emotions, and drink this liter of nonalcoholic sangria (which is basically a fruity soda and is delicious if you can handle the kick the carbonated water brings to the drink)

Today was a fairly good day-i almost woke up late for work,but went on time and did a lot of work there~ But i felt that my co workers were judging me,because another co worker made a mistake yesterday and i was cashier so i think they think i made it...i don`t care..i shouldn`t..i kinda feel like i can`t handle anything tho..maybe i should go to my doctor soon

Today was a pretty good day for me. Perhaps it may have been one of the best Saturdays in a while. Did my usual things for a Saturday. In the afternoon the temperature cooled down a lot. It had been very hot and uncomfortable. But suddenly, the winds picked up and the temperature went down.

I got talking to someone from another discussion board I go on. We had a pretty good talk. We may get together next week.

And then I went to the pool area tonight and it was great. No one there. Last night it was just awful with wall to wall screaming kids in the pool. At least they were away from me a little bit, but still it was not comfortable. And then a woman and I had a little argument about politics. She started the whole thing. So a much better day and night for me than yesterday.