Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

feeling down and ungreatful and un apreciative of life

despite this week going reasonably well (only 2 days with flashbacks, 1 afternoon of lost time) and stable mood, i'm still not satisfied with it

never am

i also just read about 2 more people planning to leave the site, and i hate that.


ugg

Been feeling pretty up today, but that's because I have led Zeppelin playing in my head

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Hey hey mama the way you move is gonna make me shake is gonna make me groove

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very frustrated w/ my mom right now. okay, so she is very clingy and manipulative. she's been smothering me emotionally ever since oct '14. so about two years. for the first several months i could understand it somewhat, as what happened then was terrible. so i just put up and shut up, let her cry on my shoulder and complain to me whenever she needed, although it was hard for me, because what happened hurt me too, but i had no one to lean on but myself.

however, it's been nearly two years now, and she refuses to move on or help herself in any way. she refused to leave the man who did this to her and who abused her emotionally and physically many months following the initial incident - now she can't, because she no longer has thousands in ssi money. she takes antidepressants but won't go to therapy. meanwhile i've watched the meds make her a different person, more forgetful, less attentive to the needs of others, more demanding of me... i've watched her health deteriorate, i've watched her worsen in her alcoholism. all while she continues to lean on me only way too much.

anymore i feel like she only wants me around to piss and moan. i could be anyone, as long as i'm patient enough to listen to her great tale of woe for the hundred thousandth time.

on the flipside - is she there for me when i have problems? not exactly. she'll let me whine, but she will make it abundantly clear through subtle ways how little attention is being paid to what i'm saying.

the reason i'm even typing this all out right now is because just an hour ago i was in the kitchen with her and my dad. she was already well on her way to being sloppy drunk by then. i had gotten a water bottle out of the fridge and was about to head back to my room when i saw her suddenly go quiet, lean on the stove and put her head in her hands. i asked her if she was okay, to which she replied "so... you're just going to leave me here all alone?" wtf?? my dad was sitting right there...

that was it. that's all it takes anymore to bring this out in me. this... reservoir of built-up resentment. (yes, i do resent my mother sometimes. call the cops.)

i'm not sure how much longer i can deal with this... she wants me to spend time with her so often, and if i don't want to do what she wants me to do it sets her off... the littlest damn thing sets her off anymore. she takes everything as a sign that people are against her. she's also taken some personal things out on me this past month or so. i remember sunday a couple weeks ago she was quite mean to me and hurt my feelings.

everyone keeps telling me to be patient with her, but what they don't understand is how long i've already been dealing with this and how much worse it's gotten over time, even though the situation itself has improved (she's no longer being abused daily, for one thing). i remember my sister telling me a year or so ago that my mom just wants an excuse to feel bad for herself.... i got offended at the time, because what happened was still pretty fresh, and i was having a difficult time and feeling rather bad for myself as well. i guess i took her criticism of our mom and convinced myself it was a criticism of me also. now i'm beginning to see things from her point of view. i've come to realize that my mother sees herself primarily as a victim, with a capital V.

what do you do when your mother is not the same woman who raised you?

i just need a mommy...

It was good to read your posting. Somehow, it made me remember my own mom. I think your sister was right

i am mourning the loss of another summer.

the last week in august all ready (almost autumn), i can't help feel like it's all been wasted

what have i done during the summer months.. let myself get too hot, sometimes use my fan, and play music to drown out the sounds of summer (birds and laughing and everything else)

ugg and i rreally thought this year would be diffrent

agoraphobia is the worst

I feel like screaming today. Nothing is prepared for anything, most of my coworkers are out on vacation, and I can't do it all on my own. I just want to sit here and cry all day, but there is too much that needs to get done. Too much that I can't do on my own. I'm tired, I'm sick of trying all these different stupid meds that are supposed to do something to help, I'm sick of dealing with people. I just want to go home and curl up in bed and cry. Why does all this burden have to be put on me? I don't want any of it, just because I've been here longer than everyone else. It's not been that long, and my self-esteem is nowhere near where someone would expect it to be. It's too much for one person, especially one person who's as ****ed up as I am.