Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Slipping back into an agitated depression, ugh hate theses kinds of depressions. Too much energy, yet no energy to do anything other than shower (showering is a compulsion for me, the only reason I bother to shower) and eat a little but. Just stare.blankly.at the walls in my room, barely getting out of bed. Up all night and sleep all day, I hate it...Ugh I really wish the depression would go away, but it's only going To get worse due to my Grandpa death last Sunday, it's been one week and I can't adjust to him being gone... Right now just listening to music to hopefully make me tired enough to fall asleep.

Agitated today, not for me, but for someone else. I can't explain why, it feels almost regressive...

My mom and I were talking today. She's been in a severe depressive state for the last few weeks, and today explained that she isn't bothering to get help or try to talk to a psychiatrist because she feels there's nothing to live for, and no doctor can fix that. I don't know why it hurt me so much to hear that. Maybe it's guilt. And knowing I've slipped back into a lot of my own abusive behavior doesn't, hasn't helped. It ran through my mind a few times that I could be an orphan fairly soon - if she really feels there's no other reason to push on for years more.

Yeah, it's guilt. Guilt and something else.

Still agitated, I think I'm in an agitated depression or.a.mixed episode at the moment, idk what to do.other than ride it out and hope.it doesn't get worse...

TRIGGER

Today was a bad day. I got an attack which I hadn't have for a long time. I got furious about I don't know and fought the dearest to me person for a few hours. I even threaten to kill him or injure seriously if he wouldn't stick to my commands. I have never said that before. I couldn't stop myself. All the time he tried to cool me down. I wanted him to do something painful to me, of course he didn't instead he tried to hug me. I wanted to harm myself but I saw the previous scars and besides I was afraid of someone noticing it. So I just did some very gentle wounds on my hip and breasts. It didn't give me a relief.
After all he invited me to the cinema. Why such a good person must stand someone like me

I also thought about my pdoc and regret I have never told him even a half of the truth about me

Sounds like you have a very caring friend, thanks for sharing the story.

I've been losing myself in my music again, except lately, this has a different vibe to it. It's more emotional, but in a good way.

Still agitated and restless and depressed, don't wan to.do anything, but I still have a lot of energy, racing thoughts, my brain won't shut off, still a high urge to SH, ugh...

Woke up second guessing my decision to start taking gabapentin. I started after seeing the worry in my spouses eyes about my anxiety. I had also listened to him a long while about how my attempt had affected him. Feel like I have to stay strong/not show my family any signs of anxiety or depression. The gabapentin makes me less anxious/sleep better but I worry about becoming numb like I was when I made my attempt. Maybe it's just my anxiety speaking to me...

mood is good.

now, if only i can find my door decorations and actually get off here and make myself useful..

It's 8:30am and I managed to make myself want to curl up and cuddle the sadness away....

Another day of being so tired with the ups and downs with weight gain/loss because of med side effects. I hate this, and I hate what it does to my body.

Wanting to cry for no particular reason all day was back yesterday. When I finally realized it was going on again it scared the **** out of me. Oh no, not again. What does this mean? I've just started feeling for the last few weeks like the meds are finally working and now this! I can't start a med marry-go-round like so many discuss on here. I just can't. I can't take it. I'd rather be dead than have my life be this vicious cycle. ****!

Down, not really depressed that my spouse seems to think the 2 jobs I work amount to nothing. She thinks I don't do enough.

Still agitated and restless, took a couple of sleeping pills to calm me.down and hopefully knock me out. Listening to music to help.calm.me.down as well, especially to distract me.from SH...See now I can.kind of use the DBT skills that I know to.help me not.hurt myself, last week I wasn't able.to.do that due to overwhelming grief...

Starting OITNB because everyone tells me its a good show, and I can't sleep.

I feel nothing anymore, just pain and sadness. I don't know how to function through this.

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No you dont.

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I can't take it anymore. Nothing goes right, I feel so horrible today, I just want to give up. Why can't I just go away and never come back? I don't even get why I ever had to be alive to begin with.

I had a meltdown yesterday when I made my last post here. Went home feeling terrible still, and just sat on the couch crying into my bf's chest for a while. Then one of his friends stopped by, couldn't complain too much about that since he was only dropping some stuff off. Then another one of his friends stopped by, and stayed for almost an hour. I should've gone in another room, or done something else, but I stayed on the couch listening to them talk and laugh and make jokes. It didn't feel good. I felt so disconnected from everything, it was almost like there was a physical barrier between me and the rest of reality. I knew I was sitting on the couch but I couldn't feel it, even when I ran my hand along the side of the cushion to try to ground myself.

i'm so fugging depressed right now. i'm cloudy-headed and not feeling 'like myself', whatever that means... i want it to stop. i'm nearly dissociating, just teetering on that edge. had the overwhelming urge to cry a bit ago but stuffed it down... i really don't need this.

I got up very early after only about 2 to 3 hours of sleep. Took my meds and went back to sleep, and slept all day again. :/

Not depressed much today, I think partially because I had more to do as some of my depression is situational.

my life is filled with people who claim they care about me, yet none that actually do.