Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

And this was another golden basket won by the lowlifes downstairs. They can use this to further cast aspersions on my continued existence. Life is looking like a big sack of shyte.

I have driven through Texas quite a few times when I was going from one coast to the other. I liked driving through there. It sounds like the people there really have it together more than the places I've lived at. I feel like I never lived in a place where people were really friendly. I guess I feel like it's the norm all over.

It's been very slow lately at work. It's incredible that two and three weeks ago, I was slammed with having to handle a lot of heavy stuff coming in and going out.

The days seem to drag so much when being at work and it goes so slow. I did the laundry tonight. Lately, much to my surprise, being at home is going better than usual. I've had a struggle for a long time. It's still not the greatest place, but it is improving a little bit. I'll take it; and hope that it stays that way or gets better. Who knows?

I'm sorry y'all are struggling so. I feel very alone tonight and often do. I feel I'm worthless in terms of a relationship with a significant other; I am so big and have all these mental problems and no job or career also have an STD. Who the heck would want me?

I'm sorry you feel alone. your chances are still good. There's about 3 billion guys for you to choose one. I know it seems impossible. You just need to have faith and to polish up your intro. :

I guess I've worked myself into numbness by today. If I dwell on things, the tears still come pretty quickly, but otherwise I just feel empty. I'm so exhausted and I just want the week to be over.

doing better today than yesterday but still feeling off. trying to stay above water.

feeling better, i talked with my mom longer than usual and brought up some personal things that i was scared to but now i'm glad i did. she was very supportive and understanding and now i feel a little less alone.

I'm so exhausted by my emotions. I feel so alone and unsupported. No one sees how completely broken I am except my bf, and there's only so much he can do to comfort me. I don't know how to go on, but I don't have the guts to do anything about it.

How am I supposed to keep going with my life when depression keeps dragging me back down? There isn't room for both anymore, and I just don't know how to handle it.

Keep posting, I think it might help to get your feelings out.

I posted a couple of lengthy posts yesterday about various topics. The main point is, my depression has continued to worsen, and I'm dealing with people who don't even seem to care. My T's offer of help for how badly I said I felt yesterday was to offer me an extra session in 3 weeks. My pdoc has taken forever to make any changes to my medication, and the last time I talked to him (on the phone) he basically gave the message that he's fine with me feeling like this for another 3 months, instead of trying to meet again sooner. I thought I might be able to get an appointment with a different pdoc, but the one I see now has to approve the transfer before I can schedule anything. Why am I paying these people if they are going to dictate my treatment, especially when they don't even understand what I'm feeling.

I've said before in posts that I'm a counselor as well. All through school my instructors constantly repeated how important it is to have good self-care, and how we need to be in therapy too so we can help ourselves to help our clients. That we all need support to be successful. So where is the support? I've done so many online searches, and there are no forums or support groups for counselors. Everything I find is for anyone, not specifically people working in this field. I feel like the implication is that you find support where you work, but that's not easy. I have a great supervisor who I've talked to about my depression and anxiety, at least enough so that she understands my medical leave and why I leave early when I need to. But I can't talk to anyone else here. I tried once, and felt so judged by my coworker I just can't do it again.

It's like a black hole, and I'm just stuck in this place where there is nothing for me. On the outside I look too well put together and functional, so no one sees me when I'm falling apart at home. No one sees how even the slightest noise wakes me up at night, afraid that it's coming from inside my apartment. No one gets how it feels to be so afraid that I can't do certain things like normal people. If I'm home alone, the door has to be barred, in addition to the locks. I can't run the fan and the shower at the same time, it's too much noise and I wouldn't be able to hear someone come in. People in my life don't see any of this, so my word isn't enough. I don't see the point anymore.

I'm so sorry your depression has gotten so bad. Since yesterday my life has taken a dive, with that idiot policeman last night, and now the pcp forcing me to come in when I can't without help. My life is a ship wreck. Funny how it only takes one or two things to go wrong and suddenly I'm in hell again.

I hope you'll feel better soon!

And I don't mean to sound flippant about your situation. I really can relate to the anxiety and being afraid people are trying to get in here.

That's why I called the police last night. Usually when I've heard someone trying to get in my door I just ignore it. But last night, even hearing me on the phone with the police, the freak kept trying my locks. That scared me badly. And then the cop saying no one had been outside my door. Just completely denying what happened.

I don't blame you for not wanting to tell people how much you struggle. All they do is deny what's going on, except for even one person you can trust to tell. I'm so grateful for my friend. He doesn't always believe me about things either though.

Thanks Angelique I didn't mean for my post to become such a rant, I just don't really have anyone to talk to outside of PC. I've been looking up phone numbers for other clinics in the area, though, and I'm working myself up to start calling around to see a new T.

Did you have a T before? I hope something good happens. Rant on! Whenever you need to.

What a struggle and I'm sorry you are amidst it. I'm also saddened that your mental healthcare team seems to be failing you.

This time of year is usually very depressing for me. Reminders of my old life trigger it and spring summer are full of them.

I had a really down week last month which only got worse the next. I actually feared I would again fall into the hole that usually leads to hospitalization every year or two.

But, I challenged it and I have been increasingly feeling better. Physical activity has helped but the biggest thing in my feeling better was when I took a look at what my summer was going to look like.

Until I pulled out my calendar and started filling in all the commitments and plans already made I was feeling pretty glib. Much of what fills it is humdrum but I actually have things to do. I filled in some blanks - like "coffee with son" - Until I now have a calendar with at least one thing to do each week until labour day. The goals are simple (and measurable) and most cost me little or no money.

Does this sound like something you could do. I believe it would uplift your spirits.

I've been seeing my current T for about a year, but before her I hadn't seen anyone for a long time.

Thanks. I've been intending to start exercising again for a long time, but my energy has been on a continual decrease. I work a full-time job, so I have things filling my schedule during the week, and at this point I have very little energy to do anything else.

I hope it will work out well. I have been supposed to see the T at the clinic but it doesn't do me much good. I've only seen her twice since last September or something. (My fault.) I'm supposed to see her in order to be able to keep seeing the pdoc there. :/

I'm just so sick of that clinic. And now I can't deal with the stairs yet again. I don't know what is going to happen but I'm pretty sure it won't be good.

I hope so too. I just hope someone I call is taking new clients, and is better than my current T.

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble again too

Thanks and I wish you excellent luck.

Feeling kinda down today. I was just sent a subpoena in the mail for a wage garnishment due to an unpaid credit card from years and years ago. My blood pressure is boiling and I am feeling jittery.

Sorry about my lousy introduction. lol. I guess I am pretty pathetic, huh? lol. I am an older lady, have a dog and birds. I have depression, ptsd, ocd, binge eating disorder. Just trying to get better day by day like everyone else.

No need for apologies

I'm kind of in the same place as I was yesterday. Still feeling a bit better than I did before I joined. My first few days here, I think I was here all day, lapping up all the information and setting up my profile. The last couple of days, I've paced myself better so I spare time to do other things like read the paper. (I have to know what's going on in the world).

But I also see how things I'm doing here are loosening me up. I appear to be starting to slowly get back in touch with parts of me that I cut myself off from the last few years. Not long ago, I was in such a state of constant panic, all I did for almost 2 years was sit in a chair and try to hang on. I was also in a state of shock because of some recent traumatic events. (I was heavily medicated then, but nothing helped, and neither did therapy.) Even if I could even think about things I used to care about, doing so was too painful because I'd lost so much.

The MI support forums and chats at PC have helped, as I hoped they would. But I'm surprised at how the light Coffee House threads and chats have also helped me relax more and start to think about things that, in the past, I'd always cared about, or been interested in, but got disconnected from. If this keeps up, I may be on the road to finding myself again.

I attended DrJohn's Q and A chat last night--I'm trying to attend all the chats that pertain to my Dx, and it's helped a lot. I've been to Depression Chat, and Anxiety Chat each week since I've joined. Unfortunately, PTSD Chat is on Saturday evenings, and I am busy then.

I recommend the chats, if any of you haven't tried them. Chatting with others in real time can also help draw you out.

--Ceara1010