Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I feel a little badly because I hurt some people's feelings yesterday, and didn't mean to. Sometimes, I can push too hard without meaning to. But I have learned from my mistake, which I feel good about.

Hang in there today, everyone!

--Ceara1010

Stopped taking my meds a few weeks ago..tomorrow I'm due to start taking lithium. So I'm making the most of my last med free 24 hours and drinking...while I can. Apparently drinking and lithium are not a good mix so gotta get this feeling of wanting to be drunk out of my system before I start...

Hi Will, that sounds like a complicated situation. Did you ever try a Universal Unitarians church? Just trying to think of something you could feel part of, but I haven't tried that myself except for when I was in Debtor's Anonymous.

So, you don't need to comment on this but I'm amazed by a couple of things. One, he's in his 80s, and two he makes passes at you. I mean, wow. I can't even think of what to say except he sounds like a social butterfly, almost like my mother. (And then my mother is critical of everything I do, whether I call or not.)

But I know what it's like to have only one friend left on earth. I love my friend so much and I shudder at the thought of losing him, or him losing me. In fact I'm petrified of losing anyone except for those toxic neighbors I have. Even with poor relationships, I'm just so afraid.

I hope you'll find a good way to resolve the church situation. I can understand wanting to stay in that one for your friend.

One time I was telling someone about my difficulty making friends, and she said, do you smile? And I realized no I don't. I hardly ever smile. So maybe you could practice smiling, if that's difficult for you too. Smiling is still a huge issue for me. I can't do it, because I am constantly triggered. Back in my binge drinking days, I found that alcohol made me very relaxed and I could smile and laugh. But without alcohol I can't do those things. Still, I can't go back to drinking now.

Anyway, sorry to make this post so long. :/

I hope you'll find a way to be more sociable, and hopefully make more friends. Easier said than done. Wishing you excellent luck with these issues.

Feeling bad again today. I went to a really dark place yesterday, so I had my bf stay over again so I wouldn't do anything. Now I'm just anxiously waiting for my appointment with t, even though I still don't want to go.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

i am such a mess today i couldn't even get myself together enough to make it in time for storytime for the kids, so we didn't go. i was beating myself up about it but i am trying to stop. i tell myself live and learn but i don't feel like i ever learn. it is a vicious cycle.

This is my first time in this thread. Hi to everyone. My problem is I have very little motivation to get anything done around the apt. My laundry is piled up and there is a good layer of dust on everything and at this point I just don't care but I guess I should. I take prozac and geodon for depression but still don't feel like doing much. I need exercise but don't do it. Every once in awhile I will do something around here.

Hi, LucyD. It's great to see you here, sorry about your depression though.

I wrote three posts last night and erased them. The fourth post I wrote made me cry and it felt good, however when I tried to post it, the sight had logged me out for taking too much time. This is my fifth post. I am a victim of abuse. I can't and could never, stop it or fix or change myself to end it. I was convinced if I was a worthwhile enough person, I could find a way. The abuse is not about me. I am worthwhile, I don't have to earn that right. And there is not a reason or excuse in the world, that someone hurts me. My mom is an alcoholic, I get that and I am sorry for her pain. I don't want her to hurt me any more. Do I take her actions too personally? No I still love her. However her actions impact my life, like shrapnel.

My mood has been continually a bit better since I joined this site a couple of weeks ago. Fingers-crossed, it stays that way. Only my sister knows about my participation here as I don't bother talking with my parents about much because they won't remember what I say to them. My sister doesn't remember much either, so I don't go into depth with her about what I'm working on here. (With my family, for the most part, if something not happening to them, it's not happening.)

--Ceara1010

Took half the day off work again. I feel like a terrible person, but I've spent the last few days crying. I went to my therapy appointment, and spent most of that time crying too. My t has shortened her appointments to 45 minutes, which she didn't tell me until the end of our session. I don't know what I feel about that.

Now I'm just waiting to hear back from the clinic. I asked to reschedule my next pdoc appointment with someone else, but they have to get approval from the doc first. I don't really understand the process, I just want to meet with someone who will try to help me.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

back to repressing everything

You know, I don't smile either, not unless I'm actually interacting with someone. If I'm walking along, as soon as I say "Hi" to someone, I will smile, or if they say "Hi" to me. But the rest of the time, I'm sure I look sad--in the past, people have told me that I do. Or if I'm concentrating, I look angry (I'm told).

I think that's one thing I love about online forums, I don't have to worry that my sad face or scowl will turn people off.

I think the younger you are, the easier it is to make new friends because people get set in their ways as they get older, and they get used to the friends they have and have a rhythm with them, so to speak, and are not usually looking for more friends.

--Ceara1010

I would say "same here" for me on that one. I feel like I have a wry sense of humor and can make people laugh. I can smile quite a bit. In fact, some years ago at work, a woman who was a sketch artist drew a picture of me with a big smile. She said that I smiled a lot and that's why she drew it. I smiled a lot because I was happy to be there.

I guess there are certain settings where I feel like the best of me cannot come out. Being in a group (clique) setting is very off putting for me; so it's difficult to fake being happy. The church I go to is very much like that. And so at times the pool area at where I live can be like that also. There had been times when I'd sit in the hot tub, trying to relax, that the other people being there would get on my nerves. They are either in groups or in pairs; and they would totally ignore me. In situations like that I would feel like I'm ready to cry.

Yes. I smile when there is specifically something to smile about and have no trouble with this. It isn't forced at all. And it isn't fake. But sometimes I wonder if my difficulty making friends has to do with my looking so sad or angy when I'm not smiling; maybe people think my smiles are fake because of this.

I live in Texas, and most people here are very friendly towards strangers and would never ignore someone like you describe above at the pool. It would be considered very rude.

But it's not easy for me to connect beyond that first, small-talky stage with people, and I think a lot of people also find this difficult.

--Ceara1010

@PsychNitrous, it sounds so painful. I hope you'll soon find someone who can help.

Wow. I feel like crying just reading that. I'm really sorry, Will.
Anyway, I get extremely intimidated by couples, and groups, and everyone who isn't me. At work I used to function much better than how I feel now. All those years, I was so lucky that I could somehow survive. I'm still not sure whether I managed to smile even at work. I must have. I don't think I could have been successful if I didn't.

I agree, Ceara. I like that concept of having a rhythm with certain relationships/people. When my oldest best friend died, I realized that all of our happy memories were nowhere but in my mind and heart anymore. That I lost a universe with him. All the bad puns, all the made-up language, etc.

Yes, I agree with everything you said.

will someone talk to me?

Why are you repressing?

it's kinda personal... with that i was referring more to sexual urges, because those needs will never be met.

my ex and i are trying to be friends but he is pushing me away and i have no one else to talk to.

I'm sorry. It seems that the more we need them, the less they are there for us. Pc has been having a rash of members abandoning the site lately.

I'm sorry you're having bad times angelique and ennui. My day has been pretty bad as well. I'd stick around to talk, but I've been self-medicating tonight and I know I'll get distracted before long

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

I hope you'll have a good time.

it is sad. thank you.

So the freak was trying my door as they often do. I got scared and called the police. The police don't believe me. And that is that.

ETA the social workers will be by here if not tonight, some time tomorrow I guess. I will lie and say I was mistaken. I'm sick to death of this.